The Importance of Empathy in Leadership.

“When I talk to managers, I get the feeling that they are important. When I talk to leaders, I get the feeling that I am important.” Alexander den Heijer

I know I don't post much on Linkedin, but in this Great Resignation era all you seem to hear is about people quitting jobs. A million and half vacant positions across a variety of industries. LinkedIn inboxes flooded with a never ending stream of recruiters fighting for the best talent. Many people in my personal network have left positions where they were burnt out and overlooked.

Amidst all of this, I wanted to share a human moment I had with my manager the other day. I value managers I can relate to (and I've been really very lucky at Twilio) but that involves vulnerability. It involves being honest about fears, hopes, dreams, mental health, personal struggles, and thats scary (usually). You have to be honest about your life outside of work.

Let me set the stage for you. I am prepping for the week on Sunday evening as I usually do. Glass of wine in hand, 17 billion tabs open as I research my accounts, Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" blaring in the background, and the soft pastel colors of an amazing San Francisco sunset lighting up my living room. *Side note: It just occurred to me that I have a terrible taste in music. I'm pretty sure most of my friends will confirm this.*

"Hmm, I don't see any easy wins here. This is probably gonna be a year where I have to grind a lot before seeing any progress." Suddenly, I'm feeling so scared that I can't breathe. My chest tightens. An entire host of negative thoughts and memories overwhelms me. What if I don't make my number and break my streak? What if I try to do everything right and still fail? What if none of my accounts wanna talk to us? What if I let down my team and my manager? I find myself in a state of panic and consumed by anxiety. Each thought is leading to a negative downward spiral. My P.H.D. in overthinking is proudly on display. Wine has lost all taste, and Donna Summer chanting "HOT HOT HOT" is definitely not helping.

Like many people today, I struggle with impostor syndrome, but I also have developed an ability over the years to work hard and try to trust where the chips will fall. I've found ways to transmute my anxiety into fuel to take on bigger challenges. It's been hard work, but it's been worth it. The aforementioned panic attacks are rare and this one certainly caught me off guard.

Monday rolls around, and I am still stuck. I realize this is coming from a terrible experience, I had in my first ever closing role (which led to me leaving sales for many years). *TLDR, I was behind my number, reached out for help, worked my ass off, closed the most business on the team that quarter. I was then told that the results didn't matter as my manager had helped me close most of the business.*

I know I am in a different situation both career wise and experience wise yet I am still stuck in the past. If I don't break this quickly, we are gonna board the H.M.S Self Fulfilling Prophecy and go down with the ship.

I reached out to my manager. "Can we talk about feelings during our 1:1 today?" I slacked her as soon I started work. I figure if I can just explain whats going on, she and I can come up with a plan."Of course!" came the instant response. I breathe a sigh of relief. The afternoon cannot come fast enough.

When I share my experience with her, I take great pains to explain I know this is an emotional issue, it's related to a past experience that makes NO sense in today's world but I just cant shake it. Reflexively, I try to minimize the emotional aspects and focus on solutions. Her response blows me away.

"That is awful! You reached out for help, were successful and then were shamed for your success retroactively. It makes total sense why you are worried. Let's set time aside to go over your whitespacing and work together on this."

Have you ever cancelled plans for something you didn't really wanna go to? Take the relief that sweeps over you and amplify it a 100 fold and you will understand how I felt. I wasn't in this alone, and someone actually understood why I was feeling anxious. I felt empowered again and I felt like I was on a team.

I spotlight this because I felt like I mattered. I felt like an actual human, where my life and experiences outside of work matter just as much as my performance. The best part of this story in my mind is not what happened, it's that I was able to be vulnerable. I was able to show up as myself fully and have that accepted. To me that is the essence of true leadership, the ability to connect with each other as humans in the pursuit of a common goal.