The importance of boundaries: Thoughts & actions of a coach!

First, I need to introduce myself. I am an entrepreneur in strategy consulting. An activity that I love and that is diversified because it can concern both the digital strategy of a company and the management of its growth phases as well as the conquest of new markets.

This activity is coupled with a volunteer mission within a non-profit organization created in Africa and radiating internationally. I occupy the roles of content manager and facilitator for new arrivals.

My activity has experienced great growth, offering me on the one hand great exposure but on the other, constant solicitation. So I said yes to all my desires but especially to all opportunities. A "yes" could also be found in many requests for help. I was afraid of missing out on a great business opportunity or an opportunity to create something new. I was afraid of being disappointed or not being able to save.

The result was an over-solicitation of my skills via social networks, emails, and the telephone.

On a personal level, I no longer had time for my loved ones and felt fatigue setting in. I therefore had to act quickly to preserve my health and avoid burnout. I was out of breath. The days passed at a crazy speed without any pleasure being present. I was in performance and execution. Instead of living, I carried out tasks and evacuated the present moment.

"My activity, synonymous with freedom, could not turn into a chore. If I spread my wings in 2006, it was not to find myself in a cage, a rope around my leg".

I must know why and especially for whom I do things.

The observation was clear: my limits were no longer clearly defined and therefore difficult to reinforce.

Challenges

By continuing on this path, my health was deteriorating. Burnout was looming.

On the other hand, by changing and in particular by implementing concrete actions, I could give myself time for myself and for my loved ones. For example, taking time to write this novel that has been waiting for its outcome for 3 years now. I could go see an exhibition, participate in a private viewing, me who is lucky to have a substantial cultural offer near my home.

Altruism and empathy are healthy values in my opinion, but how can we be healthy when we forget the first person to preserve, namely: ourselves

After this awareness, I asked myself these questions:

Who do you see in the mirror every morning?

What kind of life do you want to have?

How can I find the pleasure of "carpe diem" again?

Why don't some people respect my limits?

Which of my needs are not met?

Here are some of my answers: I am neither a firefighter, not a police officer, nor an emergency doctor, so there are no constraints inherent to my duties.

In the mirror, I saw the entrepreneur but no longer the human.

I wanted to remain free.

Respect was not present because my limits were not clearly defined for myself or for others.

So I set myself a goal: Clarify and reinforce my limits

The first thing I did: was remove my watch. An action that I only did on vacation. This action allowed me to reconnect with my biological rhythm and not with an artificial rhythm that I made myself that superimposed itself on existence. At the same time, I bought a small alarm clock (to keep my smartphone away) and set it to 10 p.m. for bedtime and 7 a.m. for waking up.

Regarding this problem of work overload, I set up a notification on all my professional devices: 6 p.m. end of the day. This alarm still exists when you read these lines. At 6:00 PM, I started by turning off and closing my laptop and then going for a nice walk to clear my mind. From 6:00 PM to 10:00 PM, it was time for me.

Subsequently, I stopped taking on new clients to preserve myself and maintain the quality that is my trademark.

At the same time, I stopped working on weekends. These had to be preserved at all costs.

Regarding over-solicitation, I automated the responses on my various communication channels to invite people to make an appointment and thus include everything in a working day.

Regarding the non-profit organization, people were hired for all content marketing. This was better for me and allowed me to stay focused on actions and no longer on support (which takes the most time).

Most important action: I started by saying no, very diplomatically, to requests from people I didn't know. By saying no, I followed myself s said yes. I gave myself permissions. Those to live, to stroll, to read, to write, to turn off my phone. I grew up without a cell phone just like previous generations. I said a little more yes to my volunteer activities, to sports, to life.

I thought about my late parents and wondered what life they would like me to lead and a word from my mother came back to me: rest my son.

I am above all focused on myself and have come out of my position as savior.

Since these actions were taken, I have led a much more peaceful existence. I am my first priority because rested, soothed, and in good health, I will always be more useful and better company than when I am in performance and the result at all costs.

I resumed writing my novel which has been waiting to be finished for 4 years. I am writing it first and foremost for myself because I have understood one thing: by saying yes too much, we dilute ourselves in the desires of others. (Abdelhamid NIATI)

I have had wonderful encounters both on a personal and professional level. Humanity and the present moment come first. I do not worry about my future because at the present moment, it does not yet exist.

Today, people see me differently. They still see me as a reference person, but not as a person to be solicited at any time. This is only done by appointment. By clarifying and reinforcing my limits, my life is much simpler.

I conclude these changes with this quote from Geoffrey Bruyère, co-founder of Bonne Gueule: "you should not base your identity solely on what you do, but on what you are"

Before being an entrepreneur, I am a human, a brother, an uncle, an artist, and a friend.

I maintain my ambitious nature, but I don't bring in too many clients at the risk of being overwhelmed and seeing my limits fade.

What contributions to coaching?

As a coach, I must set clear and precise limits. The ICF code of ethics helps me to do this in part because: I am not a psychologist and I do not wear my consultant hat when I coach.

A limit is neither good nor bad in itself because every being has its limits. However, there are the limits that we set for ourselves and those that other people set for us. We are thinking in particular of the brakes and beliefs that limit the coachee and can cause them to feel lost or even very sad. Drivers can also constitute limits.

Limits can also constitute obstacles to our needs. It is up to me to support the coachee in determining and satisfying their needs and respecting their values. The goal for the coachee is to become aware of what they really want.

During the sessions, I find it necessary to question the client's needs, beliefs, and values.

What does the client want to feed?

What are his needs?

What are his values?

Questioning is very important to know what the coachee wants. In this way, I stay on the coachee's agenda.

Abdelhamid NIATI All rights reserved