Impending Expectations

Expectations are everywhere. I feel expected to fit inside a bubble, but everyone’s bubbles are quite unique. The fact is, I am a free spirit, and often don’t fit inside any bubble unless it's one I’ve created on my own. I’ll often poke it, figuring out what makes it pop so I can move on to another. Lately, I’ve discovered I can allow myself to feel like I fit in anywhere I go. All that matters is that I believe in myself. 

After recently taking the crystal personality quizzes I discovered that I am an encourager and a caregiver. This didn’t surprise me in the slightest. I’ve been a caregiver for as long as I can remember. I became a mother at the young age of 17 and had to figure out how to become the ultimate caregiver overnight. I remember long nights of staring into Gabriel’s bassinet watching him like a hawk, making sure his breathing was normal and the little noises he made didn’t indicate trouble. I didn’t know what I was doing but with my strong maternal instincts I was able to figure it out day by day, just as I do now. What has weighed heavily on me is the expectation of what it is to be a mother, and the role I have to play to keep other people happy. It's the people closest to us that usually have the most expectations.

When Gabriel was born I quickly learned that most of what I wanted to accomplish was going to be on my own. I also knew what was expected of me. I struggled. I struggled to meet any expectations that had been laid out for me. I couldn’t make enough money to pay the bills, and I was living below the poverty line. I didn’t know how I could make ends meet while working gigs that barely paid, go to school, and be a single mom. I became pretty manipulative. I had to live for SURVIVAL. If you’ve ever had to live for survival in a long term situation then you may get where I am coming from. I had a child that counted on me and that needed me to provide. It was very difficult for me to see beyond the scope of just living, and whoever stood in my way would be deemed the enemy. The bubble I’d created encompassing me and Gabriel refused to pop. It was strong and didn’t want to be touched by the outside world. 

The barriers I created were simultaneously the protector and the adversary. There were people that wanted to help I am sure, but I was too proud to ask for it and too proud to accept the help they wanted to give me. I felt as though a lot of the help that was offered was set with even more expectations than I could handle. These conditions, whether they were all in my head or real, forced me to continue down my lonely path. A lot of the decisions I made to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table were unhealthy. I bounced around relationships and stayed in abusive ones for far too long. As long as Gabe was young and wasn’t exposed to the bad, I thought it would be okay to stick around as long as I was still getting what I wanted. As he grew, and as I grew, I knew there was more to life than constantly fighting. It wasn’t until I found myself in a relationship with a man that said he would kill me that I knew it had to be over. He was smart, I knew what he was capable of doing and I knew he could if he wanted to. 

The threat on my life was a wake up call, but not a pretty one. It had put me on the defense. I thought that I was being followed everywhere I went, and stopped sleeping and eating. I felt like it was no longer my life, like I was watching a movie. I found my way into a women's abuse shelter that offered free counseling since I couldn't afford any other therapy even with my health insurance. I learned that the impending expectations of the life I felt had drawn me to chaos. The therapist made it very clear that I was a victim, but my behavior had led me to seek out chaos wherever I could. My default was to find chaos and hold on to it for dear life. 

Here I was sitting in this cozy and warm room speaking to a complete stranger, crying, telling her my life story. We focused on things I hadn’t normally thought about or had just tried to sweep under the rug. What she helped me realize was that the expectations I’d been trying so hard to meet weren’t allowing me to live my life for me. I’d accomplished everything I’d set out to do. I’d beat all teen mom statistics, yet I’d continued to put myself in a storm of disaster and despair. It was time for me to set one expectation and one expectation alone. Live for myself. It was the most fulfilling and free feeling decision I’d ever made.

Where living for yourself may sound selfish, let me add a little color to this. Living for yourself means loving yourself and allowing you to be yourself. If you are being anyone but your genuine self you can’t help yourself or others. When I started taking the steps to become my own authentic self I started becoming a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, and a better person. I live my life knowing that I cannot and will not meet everyone's expectations and that is more than OKAY. And being my own true self means I’m going to add a quote that I found on a meme page this morning after waking up. “Support yourself instead of finding ways to shit on yourself. It’s impossible to win if you’re not on your own team.” Now here is quote of my own….”Be your own MVP.” 

Afternote... Gabriel is now a strong and independent and very caring 14 year old young man. He is the light of my life.