Impactful Leaders Recognize The Value Of Receiving ‘No’
Andrea Clough
The Engineer Whisperer | Consultant, Coach & Podcast Host | Transitioning Engineers into Impactful Leaders
"How many ‘no’s do you get during your day?" I asked him.
"What?" He replied.?
I repeated the question again.?
"Hm... I don't know. I don't think I am getting any at work."
"How many ‘no’s are you getting at home?"
"None from my wife and a whole lot from my teenage daughter!"?
"And how do you feel when you hear those ‘no’s from your?daughter?"
"At first I get mad?..and then I realize she is just practicing her independence. She is a good kid, and we get along just fine. I respect her wanting to do things on her own. I was the same way. Yet, I could never say no to my father. He?was demanding?and overpowering. Plus, I didn't want to disappoint him. Yet, I wish I'd have stood up for myself and for what I wanted earlier in?my life."
"Hm... interesting. If you respect people who say no to you, how come nobody else is telling you ‘no’? Not even your wife?"?
"Maybe unconsciously I am doing what my father was doing to me. Wow, I have never looked at myself that way."
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This was the beginning of an interesting conversation with an engineering?leader.
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Sometimes you really find out what impact you have on people by counting the ‘no’s you receive.?
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Impactful leaders recognize the value of receiving ‘no’
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Today there is no shortage of articles written about how to say ‘no’, why it is hard to say ‘no’, why it's important to say ‘no’, 10 different ways to say ‘no’, helpful tips on how to say ‘no’, and how to decide when to say ‘no’. And if you have done the work and mastered saying ‘no’ I want to congratulate you for getting halfway there.?
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I mean halfway because the other half of the work that most people forget is about how to master receiving ‘no’s.?
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But why would you care about receiving no's?
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"When it comes to workplace interactions, research makes it clear that leaders can maximize engagement and drive lasting performance when they help their team members meet one another’s needs."?Over a decade ago, Neuroleadership Institute founders David and Lisa Rock identified five domains in humans’ social experience: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness. These domains make up The SCARF? Model, which assesses the differences in people’s social motivation. Some people are more sensitive to status threat and rewards, others to certainty and relatedness, and others to the perception of being fair.?
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Saying ‘no’ is our way to express our social need for autonomy?
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"Generally speaking, we all like to feel a sense of control over the work we do and the decisions we make. When leaders involve themselves with every little detail of their team members’ work, they risk creating threats to people’s autonomy. (This is why micromanaging feels so offensive.) However, when leaders give employees the time and space to do their work, or the option to choose the work location that allows them to be most productive, they send a much more rewarding signal that they trust and value the person’s ability to get things done."?[5 Ways to Spark (or Destroy) Your Employees’ Motivation, see article link below].
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We all want to be able to do good work and have some kind of autonomy over how and where we do the work. Thus, as a leader you will receive ‘no’s if you are leading a great team because your team will be asking for what they need in order to perform and execute at their highest level.?
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Receiving ‘no’ can mean someone is setting boundaries, claiming their capability to perform, and asking for your trust. It can also mean they are expressing their confidence, knowledge, values, and beliefs in order to meet their social needs at work while maintaining the expected level of efficiency.?
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Receiving 'no' sometimes is more valuable than receiving 'yes'.?
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Chris Voss writes in his book "... at the end of the day, "Yes" is often a meaningless answer that hides deeper objectives (and "Maybe" is even worse) ... We have it backwards. For good negotiators, "No" is pure gold. That negative provides a great opportunity for you and the other party to clarify what you really want by eliminating what you don't want. "No" is a safe choice that maintains the status quo; it provides a temporary oasis of control."?
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A quick 'yes' feels good but it's an empty commitment with a pleasing effect. A 'yes' can sound like an agreement but when it's based on guilt and obligation it is a deterrent mechanism to be left alone and to not be bothered anymore.?
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In a trusted and respected relationship receiving ‘no’ doesn't create resentment, anger, conflict or punishment.?
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It's simply a sign of:
In the workplace receiving 'no' could be a sign of:
Receiving 'no'?goes against the belief that 'no' will create conflict
Receiving ‘no’s is a skillset all impactful leaders have to master in order to create space for creativity and productivity within their organizations.?
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Yet receiving 'no' goes against the belief that 'no' will create conflict. And conflict will destroy the organization, the relationships within and the whole structure will collapse.?
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The truth is most conflict isn't created because we have received a ‘no’. Most conflict is rooted in one of society's biggest social dictums: being nice.?
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Again, Chriss Voss writes "We've instrumentalized niceness as a way of greasing the social wheels, yet it's a ruse. We're polite and we don't disagree to get through daily existence with the least degree of friction. But by turning niceness into a lubricant, we've leeched it of meaning. A smile and a nod might signify "Get me out of here!" as much as it means "Nice to meet you."
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Being nice sweeps all our need for social motivation (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness) under the rug and creates a work environment where everybody walks on eggshells while avoiding the elephant in the room. Until someone cannot take it anymore and?voilà - the conflict burst like a volcano that everybody had seen coming miles away.?
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Receiving 'no' is a sign of development
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As young children the second word we learn and will overuse with great joy (the first word being 'mom') is the word 'no'. Just ask any parent.
Every toddler begins to learn ‘no’ as a part of developing their own independence and personality around the age of 2. It's actually a good thing as they are learning to develop their own free will and beginning to realize that their desires aren't always the same as their parents.?Saying ‘no’ is a healthy, normal, and important part of a child's budding autonomy.
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“The way parents respond to limit-setting behaviors is how young children learn,” explains Cindy Huang, Assistant Professor of Counseling Psychology at Teachers College, Columbia University. “They learn rules about their own behaviors and how to navigate the complex social world around them.”
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In order to become a functional individual, we learn how to say 'no'.
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In order to continue to learn and grow in adulthood, we rely on feedback from those around us. Thus, how we respond when we receive 'no's will make or break the learning curve of an adult individual's growth pattern. If we want to become impactful leaders, we have to choose wisely and understand that our response to receiving 'no' matters. We can create a safe and trusted environment by learning how important it is to accept 'no's.?
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Receiving 'no' points to?psychological safety
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The fear of rejection is one of our deepest human fears. Biologically wired with a desire to belong, we fear being seen in a critical way.?We are anxious about the possibility of not being liked, being abandoned, being cut off, or isolated. We fear being alone and we spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what others think of us.
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Receiving 'no' means someone has pushed through their fear of rejection and is willing to express their honest thoughts, ideas and feelings with us. They took a risk and now it's up to us to honor their courage and bravery. We all can choose to strengthen their trust in us by acknowledging their effort and confidence. Thus, we give them "evidence" to feel safe to continue to share their desires and wants with us.?
Why does this matter?
We perform our best when we feel safe enough to say 'no'. As an impactful leader we want to create?a work environment where people feel safe emotionally and psychological,?so they spend less time looking over their shoulders and more time collaborating, exchanging meaningful information, feeling engaged and motivated, and feeling that their contributions matter.
“Anything hard to achieve requires being uncomfortable along the way” says?Amy Edmondson, Harvard Business School professor?and author of The Fearless Organization,?who coined the phrase “team psychological safety”. If you are feeling uncomfortable receiving 'no's I encourage you to give it a try. Because triggering a 'no' peels away the falsehood of 'yes' and gets you to what's really at stake, to what really matters.?
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And once you decide you will give receiving 'no' a chance, to take your learning to the next level try responding to a 'no' with this question: "What would need to change about this [ e.g. situation or opportunity] to make it a real and meaningful 'yes'?
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?References
How to say no to others (and why you shouldn’t feel guilty),?By Erin Eatough, PhD?
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How and When to Say No, By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
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Learn When to Say No, By Bruce Tulgan
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5 Ways to Spark (or Destroy) Your Employees’ Motivation?
?The SCARF? Assessment
"Never Split The Difference", chapter 4, Beware "Yes - Master "No", By Chriss Voss?
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Why your toddler’s “no!” phase is so important (and how to survive it), By Dawn Yanek
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Tips for Parenting Toddlers during the "No" Stage
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The Fearless Organization, By Amy Edmondson
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Deconstructing the Fear of Rejection: What Are We Really Afraid Of??By John Amodeo, PhD
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What Is Psychological Safety
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