Impact of Forgiveness in Action

When my husband and I hang on to our past wounding, we suffer. We often find ourselves needing to repair because of blended family dynamics, a shared business, personality habits, trauma histories that make us sensitive, and different cultural upbringings. Sometimes our speech lacks thoughtfulness, and we only half listen to one another. Yet, in spite of our challenges, we love each other deeply and want to be better for one another.

In life, when we hold on to the past, we are robbed of a fresh start, loving connection, authentic joy, and the support we need to thrive. Without forgiveness tools, we are often disconnected and can have patterns of cutting people out when they hurt us, rather than going through a growth process of learning and repair.

Personally, my mate and I do well with practices that help us re-find each other, open our hearts and allow our nervous systems to release negative memory filters that color everything with a shade of gray.

Here is an example of practice you can try at home:

We create an environment that feels soft and nurturing. Sometimes we add music in the background, candles or soft lighting. Other-times, silence is better. We sit or stand face to face holding hands or simply with our own hands on our hearts. We take time to re-establish deep eye-contact; this can be hard sometimes as deep emotion (like sadness) begins to arise. Eye contact is often difficult when there is unhealed pain between two people. So we use our yoga training and breathe with ease. We take long exhales to help the body let the story go. We apologize for everything we have done to hurt each other, the new stuff, the old stuff, the re-occurring stuff, the big stuff, and even the little things.??Sometimes we cry and we say whatever pours out. We do this 5- 30 minutes depending on the need and capacity we have in the moment. We return to love by letting go the hurts, because we have learned burying them doesn't work for us. This is our most sacred practice, and it carries forward into our choices in the coming weeks.

In our professional work, we use these forgiveness experiences to help others do the same. Maslow teaches us that we cannot give what we don't have, and we can only take people as far as we have gone. To that end, we continue to practice so we can share it authentically with the world around us.

When we are working with a team, we often ask, "How comfortable are you apologizing when you hurt someone at work or home?" Surprisingly, only10-25% of people raise their hand. So as consultants, we dive in right in. We talk about the costs of not being able to apologize, and collectively we name it. Then we practice the words out-loud over and over again. We laugh, we sigh, and we restructure. At the end it, we wonder why those simple words "I'm sorry" were ever locked down so tight within.

At the end of a pre-covid session, an older gentleman asked me to help him repair with his son. We role-played and practiced together, which is really helpful to do sometimes. The next day, the man shared his success with me before breakfast. He had nervously called his adult son who lives in another state. He told him that he was sorry for working so much, for not playing catch in the yard, going to his baseball games, for his temper, and mostly for not being there when he needed him growing up. He went deeper and apologized for not saying encouraging words and saying I love you. He told his son that he was proud of him. He asked for his son's forgiveness. This man said his voice was trembling as he spoke but he was able to say, "I'm sorry son, and I love you" after 15 years of limited contact. He said his son seemed overwhelmed, quiet, shocked, and didn't say much in return... that night he didn't sleep well and the next morning he received a simple text, "I love you too, Dad."

We cried the most happy tears together, as he broke free of his prison and the hope for a fresh start with his son and his grandson.

We all can practice saying the words below to ourselves or out-loud when a hurt memory comes to mind. Then perhaps, we will be ready to say it in person when the time is right.

?“Please forgive me. I am sorry for all the ways I have hurt you knowingly and unknowingly. Please forgive me."

When we choose to repair, it requires a special kind of showing up. We have to be vulnerable, self-loving and brave. We have to face our worst fears that perhaps we have deeply hurt another human, acknowledge the impact and be rejected. This is especially challenging if our ego holds high expectations and has adopted "all or nothing" thinking. Many resort to substance use to bury the feelings of shame and disconnection inside. So a key part of any addiction recovery is shame recovery and giving and receiving forgiveness from the heart.

Regardless of whatever side of a repair you are on, it is healing to be present. If needed, take a coherence break and circle back later. Apologies can get off track when blame, intense emotion, "I did this because statements," and sarcasm surface.

My younger social-worker self falsely believed that if I forgave, it would mean what happened was okay! Now I know that my freedom is forgiveness.

Gratitude plays a wonderful uplifting role in the process of forgiveness. During a shamanic medicine journey, I was shown every single gift my mother had given me, and I was asked to forgive her for some areas of suffering between us. I was brought to tears seeing how my resentment had clouded my accurate seeing of her and all that she gave me from birth to now. I was also gifted with the visions of ways I had also hurt her.

As a therapist, I see this when working on adult child/parent relationships. Things like not attending sports games, a divorce, missing important events, or not saying I love you tend to overshadow the good. Unfortunately, our brains are wired that way, unless we work on it. On that same medicine journey, I was visited by every person that ever hurt me and that I also hurt. My soul cried and released a heavy bag of stones and pain held in my neck and shoulders. This journey lasted for six hours as I forgave it all, especially myself. Shamanic ceremonies are especially helpful in freeing the soul from heartache and soul-loss (from unprocessed trauma). We are lucky to live in a time where we can share in learning from these healing modalities.

After 10 years of partnership, my husband and I absolutely know that when we hurt each other, it is disruptive, it is felt by everyone around us, and limits our potential. We know what our children want most of all - are parents that get along and love each other well.??When we do not repair well, we fall into a pattern of approach/withdrawal and an avalanche of depleting emotions bury us. ??Learning to love well also means repairing well and forgiving each other fully for the missteps along the way.

Recently, my 12-year-old daughter and I had several months of distance and disconnection.??I felt it in my bones and saw it in her face when I walked in her room.? She didn’t light up and when I hugged her, it was as if she stopped breathing. ?Her ocean eyes avoided mine, and I felt the energy of sadness emanating out.

In my coherence practice, I asked my heart for guidance in a technique called “Heart-Cut through”. I asked what the root of this separation between us is and what really matters.??Instantly, I had a fleeting image of a bad argument we had in her bedroom 6 moons before.? I heard: "Love is what really matters."

I knew repair was needed to remove the burning ember hurting our connection. ??Although we moved forward, we weren’t’ the same after that fight; there was a residue... So, the next time I felt her contempt, I asked her what was unresolved for her that was blocking our heart connection.?Her eyes filled up, and she instantly was catapulted back to the conflict months before. ??She raised her voice that she doesn’t feel safe to talk about it.??I stayed with her practicing heart-focused breathing and encouraged her.?I brought up the fight and asked her what part of it was hurting her.?She started yelling and crying it out between sobbing breaths.??Initially, I went into defense when the personal attacks started coming my way.??She stormed upstairs, I hugged my husband, and practiced coherence with him.??After 20 minutes, I went upstairs, and I crawled in bed with her and held her.?

I simply started apologizing with a soft tone and vulnerable heart. I just let it flow. I apologized for my tone in our fight, my specific words said in anger, for my walking out of the room and not circling back with her like I usually do. I apologized for letting this conflict go unhealed for so long. I asked her for forgiveness and told her how much I loved her. I told her that I want to be in harmony and for our hearts to feel at ease with one another.

My daughter's body and soul softened, she opened her heart, she began breathing deeply, she cried, and the anger dissipated completely.???She responded, by meeting me with "I’m so sorry mommy," repeating over and over again between sobs.

"I forgive you darling; I completely forgive you," I whispered. Her cries were freeing the webs around her heart, her separation from me was hurting us both… I had an "aha" moment that her deepest pain came from feeling I hadn't forgiven her for the harsh words that she said months before.?And on some level, maybe I hadn’t really forgiven her until that moment either.

As a pre-teen, she couldn’t articulate what she was sorry for, but I knew.?My ego yielded to the wisdom of my heart and my deep love for my daughter and the desire to be in right relationship and harmony. It feels better and I hope to not let things simmer like this in the future.

I commit to bring a forgiveness practice to my kids for my entire life.??As a parent, I fall short more than I’d like to admit, and I’m certain that there are ways I will create unintentional harm like my parents and their parents before them did.?Yet, I will also work to track and soak in all the good I receive and work to counter-balance how our brains focus on the bad.

Now, let’s look at forgiveness through our professional lens.?At Moksha, we often coach teams who have unresolved historical conflicts. To help the team, we listen to the stories, pain points, and figure out what exactly happened that created the animosity and disconnection.???We help restore feelings of compassion and empathy that were cut off.?My favorite part is providing meaningful forgiveness moments that bring tears, sighs, and smiles.

When we ask teams who are really suffering what they need, we most often hear “forgiveness of past mistakes and willingness to move forward.”?They know what they need but aren’t sure how to get there.?

At Moksha, we have several meaningful practices and ceremonies that help teams let go of their painful imprints and start anew.?We facilitate a feeling of lightness, which allows a team to start over and repair quickly when they transgress in the future.?Some of our most powerful moments are when leaders publicly apologize and ask for another chance.??Tears flow and hearts open.???Many share they have never seen a leader with power acknoweldge their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. It feels good to be forgiven, and it feels good to forgive others.??It feels good to connect with folks we previously couldn’t - due to unresolved pain.?

I have found unequivocally when working with families and teams, there are specific instances where big wounds were established, which festered over time.?Most common wounds come from harsh criticism given in front of a group, questioning of ones’ character or values, and hearing third-party negative gossip.? Most costly, are the tempered reactions that left other people feeling flushed, belly- tight, and voice-less. Therefore, the healing often occurs when the victim is able to reclaim their voice in the presence of the person that hurt them. We facilitate these type of reconciliation circles in-person and in zoom sessions.

Many of us are taught that our professionalism blocks-out hurt feelings, and if we are mature, we could easily move past situations like these.??This is a flat out lie, which neuroscience disapproves.?When our pain is not resolved, we create out-groups, pretend, avoid, punish, undermine, withhold information, freeze, and appease.??We stop mentoring, investing, listening, hoping, and feeling good.?Living and working this way, long-term, costs real physical, emotional, and spiritual suffering.??

The Gift of Forgiveness Meditation: Big Heart Work.

Make a list of 3 people that you want to forgive and or be forgiven by. Consider starting with an easier situation. Give yourself time to gain experience and success with easier situations.

• Sit, stand or lay on mother earth. Bring the intention of forgiveness into your heart. Consider placing your hands on your heart. If it is a big hurt, consider asking a friend, parter or loved one to be with you - even sit back-to-back with you. Prime your heart with feelings of ease and appreciation for someone or something in your life. Hold that as an anchor that you will revisit whenever you need to during the practice.
• Then breathe a feeling of forgiveness through your heart. On exhale, go out to nature or a place that feels nourishing and on the inhale, bring feelings of forgiveness within... on exhale, let it flow out. Repeat a few minutes.
• When you are ready, call the person into your heart space and imagine their highest soul.??Breathe out a feeling of forgiveness toward this person and back towards yourself.??Create a feeling of forgiveness flowing back and forth between both of you.?
• You can speak it out loud if it helps you. “Mom, please forgive me for the ways I have hurt you, knowingly or unknowingly”. ??“Mom, I forgive you for all the ways you have hurt me, knowingly or unknowingly."
• Hold it for a few rounds letting emotions surface and resolve.??Feel the heart getting lighter as the emotion releases.??Return to the practice when needed. If needed, you can add: "may we forgive each other for all that we can't fully forgive in this moment but are working towards." Then go onto the next person if you want to.

Consider checking out the Hawaiian H'oponopono Practice, which translates to a simple mantra, "I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you!". Jack Cornfield and Tara Brach provide meaningful guided mediations in this area as well. An alternative practice is called Naikan Practice, which claims that our suffering extends from only focusing on our hurts rather than on our hurting of others. It is a gentle way of looking at our transgressions and offering forgiveness to self and others. It is suggested to start with your mother, lol!

Forgiveness tips:

• Repair quickly if possible and know it is never too late to circle back on an old wound. They likely haven't forgot if you haven't..?
• When people are hurt they may receive your apology initially with anger.
• Forgiveness is a process and often requires time and effort in healing.
• Repeated hurtful behavior is harder to forgive. Get support in changing the hurtful patterns, yet use compassion to see the challenges of being human and the nature of change.
• Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean restoration of relationship or friendship. It's soul repair that leads to freedom and a more joyful lives for both parties.
• Be brave, lean in, make eye-contact, speak authentically and practice self-regulation (like heartmath) to get you through it.
• There will be occasions where folks aren't ready to forgive. That is okay. Give it time. Demanding forgiveness is not loving. Time heals and we can also offer ourselves forgiveness and find support to do so.
• Share an apology without defensiveness or wanting an apology right back.?This is one I keep working on.
• When asked for forgiveness, breathe through your heart. Don't give a "no big deal' reply. Take the apology in as medicine balm for the inner child within. If you feel resistant, notice that. Ask yourself what is the cost of not forgiving and how can you keep yourself safe and protected and still work towards forgiving for your own freedom. See what happens.?
• If you can forgive others, let them know it. Also ask for any reparations you need, like correcting the record or repairing with others. If you feel called to share any authentic apologies back, don't hesitate.
• ?Practice ahead of time to help yourself say what you really want to say. The basic components of a meaningful apology are below:
• ?“I’m sorry for _________?. I can see it hurt you by…. ??If I had a redo, I would have_________. Please forgive me.”?
• If you can fix or make it right, and then act if possible. ??Circle back and let the person know you acted.?Then, allow the person to come around in their time.?

I have found examples like this really helpful in the beginning:

"Sarah, I want to apologize for my behavior in our last team meeting.?I noticed I got triggered when you were speaking about your proposal.?I reacted by interrupting you, making passive aggressive comments, and challenging your ideas in a disrespectful way.??

I saw that it hurt you and hurt the team and shut down conversation.?I am sorry. I am working on improving my responses in these situations.?I hope you can forgive me.??If I had a redo, I would have taken some deep breaths, got a cup of tea, waited until you were finished talking and asked you some questions in a respectful tone.?I also would wait to talk with you one-on-one.?I plan to apologize to the group when we are all together again.??Is there anything I can do to repair or help rebuild our relationship moving forward?”

Tips for Teams:

1. The leader sets the tone.??
2. Create a culture that allows for repair and forgiveness.??Talk about past relationships that have healed and how you all did it.
3. Ask for and give each other Redo’s when needed.
4. Implement a quarterly gratitude and forgiveness practice.?? Each team member offers a white rose as they ask for forgiveness on a past mistake and a red rose for sharing gratitudes with one another.?? Symbols are helpful. The group can take the roses home, make a mandala, or offer the petals to the ocean.

Life gives us many things to experience, appreciate and forgive.??Helping each other love more fully also means helping us forgive more deeply.?For support or deepening on this topic reach out to themokshagroup.com.??

If this inspires you to forgive, we would appreciate hearing your stories. We love healing stories!

With Love, Sheila

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