The Impact Coming Out Had On My Family
Gina Battye
We empower leaders, eliminate negative behaviours and improve communication, creating a healthy workplace culture | CEO & Founder of the Psychological Safety Institute
What impact did coming out have on my family?
That is an interesting one because when I thought about coming out, I thought (at the time) it was all about me. I hadn’t even considered the impact on other people and what they might have to go through. I had years to process and come to terms with my sexuality and my family were hit with it between the eyes on Christmas Day! To find out how I came out, click here to read my previous article.
It was in the year or two that followed that I came to realise the impact coming out had on my family.
The Language Of Sexuality
After I came out, my family had to find a way to talk about my sexuality and partner to their friends and our wider family. They had the challenge of finding the ‘right’ words to use that felt comfortable to them, whilst having concerns about how people would react to the ‘news’.
I remember a chat with my mum where she asked me the best words to use when she was talking to other people about me and my partner. Is it acceptable to use the word lesbian? What about gay? And how about dyke? Is that a positive word to use? What ARE the positive words and what are offensive words? And do I say girlfriend or partner?
After that conversation, she became more confident about explaining my sexuality and relationship status to others. It was a turning point for her I think.
I came to realise that none of them (my mum, dad and 2 brothers) had any support through this process either and they had to figure it out as they went along, just as I did. And I'm sure my brothers were teased, maybe even bullied because of me.
The Grieving Process
I had time to make sense of being gay before I came out to them. In coming out, I think I expected them to be ok with it right from the start. But actually, just like me, they needed the time and space to make sense of it too.
It is like they went through a grieving process – where they let go of the person they thought I was and the future they had dreamed about for me. They had to break down the thoughts and ideas THEY had been conditioned to think would be in my future. Would that mean no big white wedding, kids and grand kids? They definitely went through a grieving phase around that. It was a time of uncertainty for everyone and involved lots of conversations, whilst we found our feet as a family unit.
What I Wish I Had Known Back Then
I wish I had known upfront they would have to go through all this. I would have been more present with them, more open (instead of defensive) in our conversations about it and I would have stepped up to support THEM more.
Advice For People That Have Come Out To Family
Talk to them often – not just about being LGBT, about anything. The more you talk, the more that communication channel is open. I found that was vital.
Be open and honest with them and let them know how they can support you, and ask what support they need from you.
Answer any questions they may have.
Explore the language and words that are comfortable for them to use when talking to others about you.
And listen, some people may have a negative response towards you. Don’t take it personally. It is something within them that is causing conflict or uncertainty. Give them space and time, and when you feel the time is right, talk to them again. Offer them love and support, not animosity and frustration.
Most importantly, keep talking.
I’d love to hear your experiences.
What did you notice about what your family went through when you came out to them?
And afterwards?
What do you wish you had known back then?
Stay Tuned - The Coming Out Series
I’m answering your questions on coming out over the next few months in this Coming Out Series as part of the My Queer Life journey on YouTube.
If you have any questions, if you want to know anything specific, leave me a comment and I will make sure I answer it over the coming weeks and months.
Watch The Video
Read More LGBT+ Focused Articles Here:
LGBT+ Articles
How I Knew I Was Gay
Why I Had To Come Out
How I Came Out
About Gina Battye
Gina Battye is a world renowned LGBT+ & Authenticity Consultant and Advisor for TV, Film, Theatre, Radio, Global Press, Fortune 500s + Leading Global Organisations.
Find out more about Gina and her work at www.ginabattye.com/media and chat with her on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.
LinkedIn: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/ginabattye
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I'm asexual by nature. My passion is collecting and sharing knowledge and learning. I'm not looking for someone to share my life. I'm not here to buy anything including bitcoin.
5 年My bro rejected me and we don't really speak. My sis texts me happy birthday once a year. With the exception of one cousin my mom's family has cut me off but they were never really part of my life so I fully plan on doing the same when my mom dies.
I'm asexual by nature. My passion is collecting and sharing knowledge and learning. I'm not looking for someone to share my life. I'm not here to buy anything including bitcoin.
5 年I used to shotgun approach. I tried to start one to one especially with my mom but that turned out badly. I definitely did one on one with my workplace but ended up getting let go anyway. What I did with my family was work with my psychiatrist to produce a letter. I then sent it to everyone I knew including family. My cousin on my father's side embraced me immediately and asked to read it to every member of my father's family. I now talk to cousins I hadn't spoken to in ages. My mom nearly drove me to suicide until I started fighting back. She wasn't happy with me fighting back but she wanted me in her life so she had to eventually submit. When my stepfather died I discovered that she had dementia and was helpless. I take care of her now. We still have our fights and my mom submits after a verbal battle but I'm not going to leave her. I'm the oldest and the only one who didn't move far, far away. It has always been my job to take care of her and I will do so until she dies. My stepfather was a gradual process of winning over.