Immigration blows to your marriage

"Oh please, it's not going to impact us, we have been married for 10-20-30 years"

"It's not that hard, our marriage or partnership will survive it!"

My original post indicated that I will be writing about topics/things/factors that nothing and no one, can prepare you for, that comes with immigration. Some people will highlight it but they won't give detail and they try to soften the blow. This is something that affects most couples and the outcome is shocking as many people end up getting divorced after immigration.

One would think, "Nah, there must have been problems before they immigrated"

I am no expert on being married as I'm only married for a year, I'm only 8 months into my immigration journey so definitely no expert compared to others that has been married for years and immigrated years ago. I am however, surrounded by people that has been married for years, objective people, people that immigrated long ago and I LISTEN and see what is happening and I've seen enough in life to give my 5c on this. It can be a real shock for people immigrating and realizing and how it affects your marriage or relationship/partnership.

Why is it so hard for people that has been married especially so long, to struggle with this change? They know they partner like the back of their hand right? Yes, your partner knows you for so many years and how you deal with things. Do you know how you will adjust with immigration, you as a person? No you don't, so you also have no idea how your partner will adjust. You think you know, until it happens.

I've seen couples changing from introvert to extrovert and versa versa, both worked back home and now only one is working, a woman got the AEWV visa and the husband on partner visa but he can't find work so now the roles swapped around and for the time being he is the homemaker. In SA there was a domestic worker that cleaned the house and a gardener, they are not here and you have to do it yourself so all of a sudden you as a wife feels like all you have to do is cook and clean, and work, and no one helps you. You go from having weekends of fun to weekends of cleaning. Smokers having to quite which brings a whole other level of frustration on it's own. Meeting new people, making friends and doing that as an adult is much harder already, now it's couples and its not the same as with friends at home. The friends at home is also going on with life and you are not part anymore, so the friendship feels like it's not what it use to be, so your support structure changes. Everything in your life changes. Come the weekend, you knew your partner's routine and your routine. You had a routine, within your family, with friends say every Wednesday evening a barbeque, or meeting after work on a Friday at Doodles in Bloubergstrand to kick off the weekend. Now it's gone, your partner or you struggle to adapt, depression creeps up and now all of a sudden your once extrovert partner, is struggling with depression! You have no idea how to handle it cause this is SO not him/her! Your already introvert partner, struggles to find their feet and don't know how to get to feel part of something more than only her house and family (as it is crucial to get the sense of belonging) and now depression is there, both parties don't care anymore, life feels like a mess. It becomes a shitshow!

This is why it's hard. The dynamics you once knew and had as a couple, no longer exists, it changed. You have to adjust, you have to get to know each other in a different way, the life you knew, doesn't exists anymore. The blows are hard!

You will have fights about things you thought has been resolved years ago, you will have fights about things you never even thought will ever be an issue, you will have nights you go to bed, not talking to each other. You will feel alone and wonder how did this happen. As long as you remember that this is part of the journey and not a reflection on how strong your relationship is. How you manage to get through it is important.

The best advise I can give to any couple

• Be kind towards each other
• Have patience with each other and yourself
• Communication is key, no matter how hard it is to talk about, you have too.
• Pray together, pray on your own, keep on praying for yourself and your marriage (those who are religious)
• Start dating your partner again, make time for them and get to know them again.
• Listen to each other, appreciate each other and work on it every day.

Your marriage or partnership is not on the rocks because you are going through difficulties when you just immigrated or even during the first 3 years, it is really probably one of the most difficult things you will experience in your life. We are all human, we have feelings and emotions and all aspects of us as a person, gets affected by immigration and it's something new for us and you experience new feelings and emotions. It's complicated but don't overthink it. Just know that no matter how strong you think your marriage is or how long you have been together, you will get affected, some more than others and it's not a bad thing, in fact I think it's excellent, it's not nice at the moment but there will be growth as long as you grow together!

Feel it, accept or reject it, go through it.

It does get better :-)