I'm white and I'm racist

Shocking, I know.

If you are white and reading this, you are almost certainly racist

In order to tell you about my racism, I need to explain how I realized I was; it was a circuitous rout via breaking my proverbial mental shell, literal fireworks and as any good story has - a walk in the park.

1 - Breaking My Mental Shell

My journey began several years ago when I saw this video of a woman being catcalled over 100x in a 10hr period across NYC [please forgive the absurd irony of Matt Lauer opening the segment...]

What could a video about a woman getting catcalled have to do with racism? It's the first time I was able to see vividly how different someone else's experience of doing something as basic as walking through NYC in broad daylight could be.

Do you know how many times I've been catcalled in NYC? How about in any city? How about at all? That's right: ZERO.

As human beings (and dare I be so brave, as a male human being) it is demonstrably very difficult to understand that other people have experiences fundamentally different than we do. I can confess firsthand it was > 30 years of conscious life before it sunk in. As I personally had never been catcalled and only witnessed it myself a few times in my entire life, I had incorrectly assumed it was a non-issue.

Learning that other people had intrinsically different life experiences than me broke the 4th wall and I couldn't put the genie back in that bottle if I tried.

Enter Jordan Peele's groundbreaking film "Get Out" which if you haven't seen it is not only a horror masterpiece, but also a society-shifting commentary on white racism. I couldn't get this movie out of my head for weeks after I saw it. So many incredibly "cringe-worthy" micro-aggressions against the protagonist Chris (a black man dating a white woman from a rich family) that I could easily picture myself having said in either my teens or twenties. I won't spoil the film for you, but let's just say Chris isn't treated like royalty by the rich white folks he encounters...

BUT I'M NOT RACIST!!!

^ me, every day, for most of my life

So wait a second - how can I be both not racist and relating painfully with the monsters in this horror film who are, unquestionably, very racist?

For that answer, we need to call on the most impressive intellectual I've discovered to date - Daniel Kahneman. In his captivating body of work "Thinking Fast & Slow" Danny [I like to pretend we're on a first name basis] illuminates beyond the shadow of a doubt through dozens of scientific studies how easily human beings are manipulated via 'System 1' vs. 'System 2' thinking. The easiest way to understand the difference is that 1 is 'subconscious' and 2 is 'conscious'. Parents of young children will recognize System 1 at work when a toddler near you initiates one of their signature "I guess I'm going to try this flying thing" moves off a changing table, couch, etc. You don't consciously think "My goodness I spent a lot of time and resources creating and sustaining this life to date, it would sure be a shame if something happened to them; especially since they're kind of growing on me now that we have a relationship beyond just crying/feeding/changing. Let me just reach out real quick..." Your body has already begun moving before your conscious mind even acknowledges that a threat has been presented.

One of the core functions of System 1 is to create and systematically update bias. For millennia it was substantially more advantageous to have an averse reaction to probable threats than to be attracted to opportunities. Some of these aversions are not learned but actually programmed into our DNA (rotting food is universally repulsive to all but Oscar the Grouch), however most are programmed throughout our lives with many forming in childhood.

To see System 1 programming in action, let's rewind time a few decades...

2 - Literal Fireworks

When I was a young child (~ 6 y/o) I was with my extended family at the Ft. Devens 4th of July fireworks where thousands of Massachusettsans congregated to celebrate America's Independence day the only way they knew how - with large doses of alcohol and EXPLOSIONS. As we were leaving, I was separated from my aunt and quickly got lost in the crowd. Terrified, I sought out a police officer as my parents (grandparents? teachers?) had instilled that if I ever needed help that's what they were there for. I found an officer, told him I was lost [I think he inferred by the tears and snot that I was terrified] and asked if he could help. He let me sit in the front seat of his car, found my Mom and my subconscious bias for police was indelibly strengthened:

POLICE OFFICERS ARE HELPERS

Now imagine you grew up witnessing a police officer killing someone you care deeply about after you've been warned from birth that you need to be careful because police don't care about your life and will take it without mercy. What type of indelible impact would we see? Would there be a negative bias towards police officers that might influence the way you interact with them?

It wasn't until 3 years ago that my sub-conscious worldview of Police as universal agents of good fell into question. You read that correctly, despite hundreds of black men being murdered throughout my lifetime it wasn't until Daniel Shaver was executed, a 26 year old white guy (for reasons that should be obvious with our pictures side-by-side) that my perspective changed.

I strongly encourage white readers to follow this link and watch the video:

Why did I implore you to watch what has kept me up for multiple nights after I viewed it? Because if you don't, you will have a difficult time understanding the emotional impact seeing one of "us" summarily executed has because of irresponsible policing.

POLICE OFFICERS ARE MURDERERS

Ever since viewing that video, I have a new mental map of what Police officers are capable of. The thought of seeing blues/reds in the rear view gives me anxiety well beyond the hassle of paying a higher insurance premium...there is a piece of me that believes any encounter with the police can end in my death.

As the media has been inundated with examples of blacks being murdered at the hands of largely white police officers, it wasn't difficult for me to try on my newfound worldview and it was terrifying.

A Walk in the Park

Which brings me to the final chapter of my racism-discovery story. A couple of years ago I was walking from the far side of Chinatown in Boston to the Financial district after a late dinner with friends. It was around midnight and a weekday which meant that there were very few people around and the further into the Financial District I got, some blocks were fully empty.

I had parked my car in a garage underneath a quaint park in between skyscrapers and had just reached the park itself when I consciously acknowledged someone else walking across from the other side of the path - a tall, black, male.

By the time my System 2 brain had consciously acknowledged the presence of another human, my System 1 brain had already done the work of raising my heart rate and respiration - a fear response. I can't identify where that programming came from, but it's not a big stretch to assume a combination of local news and low-key racist comments from adults I trusted.

Being afraid of a person for no reason other than the color of their skin is, categorically, RACIST!

I don't want my heart rate to go up - I used my conscious mind to keep walking towards him and ignore the increasing impact the adrenaline had on me until I was in the stairwell and my rational mind had prevailed. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT RACIST IT JUST MEANS I'M WORKING ON IT

One of the painful downsides to a Social Justice Warrior (SJW) cancel-culture is it prevents people from risking any possible glimpse that they're not perfectly walking the cultural-normative line. Not only do we cancel people for making deemed 'egregious' errors, but there is very little appetite for remorse or reformation. Who in their right mind would ever take a risk like admitting they are low-key, subconsciously racist?

Apparently me. Hopefully you.

We cannot possibly start to solve the last-mile of this problem if we aren't willing to accept that the problem exists.

It's OK to be imperfect, we all are. We have to give people the space and grace to be imperfect so they can have the opportunity for growth. If we don't honor acknowledging imperfection and taking ownership over improving, where the hell does that leave us?

It's not your fault that you are racist, but just because it's not your fault doesn't mean it's not your responsibility.

I implore you: DO SOMETHING.

If you are interested, these books have helped me see further behind the curtain:

• Born a Crime, Trevor Noah
• To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
• Just Mercy, Bryan Stevenson
• You Can't Touch My Hair, Phoebe Robinson

PS - if my language in the title and opening offended you, please know I am sincerely sorry for that but it was necessary collateral damage to garner the level of attention addressing a root cause behind the murder of George Floyd and countless other black men deserves