I'm Triggered...But Let's Unpack That

I vividly recall the day when I first learned the weight of the term ‘trigger.’ It was just after I had auditioned to be in a well-known artist’s music video. Nineteen others and I attended a closed audition (meaning we were shortlisted and called specifically to come audition.) ?

Now usually, the audition requirement was to bring a bathing suit or bodycon club attire and high heels. Since I received the call at the last minute, I left my corporate job in a gray pinstripe button up blouse with gray slacks and pumps and hopped on a train to NYC. (My side hustle was ALL the way steeped in the entertainment industry.)

When I arrived, I danced for the first round of auditions, and based on experience, I did not expect to advance due to my wardrobe. Surprise, surprise!

- the artist came out of the room and asked for 'mami in the gray' to come back into the audition room. There were two of us wearing gray and I decided he couldn't possibly be talking about me. He made eye contact with me and waved me over, so off I went.

The second round was different from the first. The pressure to be picked as a lead was high and all five of us finalists understood the assignment. We danced our hearts out for our 15 minutes of fame and a paycheck. Sidebar: The decision makers in the room were unexpected sponsors - people I had been networking with for several months at various celebrity parties and events. I had no clue of the magnitude of access and pull they had until I walked into that room. This was a teachable moment for me: no matter the industry, networking is a major key to your success and sponsors can be intentional or a byproduct of your interactions. At the end of the day, people are more willing to hire those whom they are familiar with as opposed to those they are not.

But I digress. The audition was so traumatic, that each time I heard the song I had auditioned to, it triggered an involuntary scream and a rush to change the song. It has only been a couple of years since I have been able to hear the song and remain calm. It was a Beyonce song. Oh and there were a lot of males (10+) in the room with the artist which created quite a stir amongst all of us ladies dancing for the lead role. It was so uncomfortable that the agency representing us sent in a female representative to remain in the audition room.

On the flip side: In my corporate journey, I had applied for a couple of corporate roles where despite aligning with the qualifications on paper, I faced rejections and even received crazy-sounding feedback that still echoes in my mind to this day.

One of those interviews promised a future lower-level position rather than the higher-level role I had actually applied for, but it was still a promotion, right? This left me in a state of anticipation even though I was extremely disappointed. The VP of HR told me there would be stretch assignments to prepare me as she had no head count to bring me over immediately; she asked me to be patient as she set up plans to transition me over to her team in a year's time. She was nervous and she stuttered and stammered through most of this 30 minute, mostly one-sided conversation.

Later that day, I met with my sponsor to share this interesting turn of events and I found out that my sponsor had known of the rejection for the original role, and had negotiated the lower-level promotion with this VP, as the role still aligned with my experience, goals, and interests. They had agreed that the VP was going to promote me and transition me to the role immediately. My sponsor was visibly upset by my news and immediately began working to remedy the situation. (To my sponsor: Thank you!)

As the weeks turned into months, the anticipation morphed into disillusionment. The promise of a promotion and expanded role, instead of bringing enthusiasm, became a source of confusion and discontent. The glass ceiling had transformed into a glass cliff, an unexpected challenge I was ill-prepared to face.

The cumulative effect of enduring microaggressions and various other stressors, from the demands of work to family obligations, took a toll on me both emotionally and mentally.

One morning, I woke up feeling deeply depressed; I encountered more than enough small frustrations, like a pile on of Draw 2s and Draw 4s in a game of Uno. From struggling to prepare breakfast to searching for clean pants for a child getting ready for school, to an unfortunate encounter with cat poop, everything became a blur of overwhelming challenges. It all culminated in a breakdown that forced me to take a step back and rest in bed for a couple of days, seeking respite from the mounting pressures of the workplace.

During this period of rest, I found a temporary escape from the burdens and pains of logging on for work. I would wake up terrified I was late for work, remember I was on PTO, feel the heartache, cry and go back to sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. I eventually added a soundtrack to my sob story. A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke

When I stepped back into the realm of work, I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety. For the second time in my life, I consciously took note of new triggers that awaited me; they seemed to steal away my sense of psychological safety. Each time certain names were mentioned or specific interactions took place, I lost my breath, my heart skipped beats in response and nausea gripped me. There was a time when I was fully engaged and always taking the initiative to all the things, but for this period, I found myself feeling defeated. The thought of leaving a space that had become synonymous with stress and emotional strain weighed heavily on my mind, leaving me contemplating the possibility of seeking a new path. In the end, I found a way to cope, engage and get excited about work again, until the next traumatic event.

The next time I ended up experiencing a triggering event was the culmination of a year plus of demoralizing, demeaning, and toxic treatment, when the manager screamed at the top of her lungs in a meeting, "I'm the boss! You're supposed to do what I say!" I took an unpaid leave of absence to deal with the impact of the professional challenges on my well-being. I did a lot of reflecting. I focused on the importance of recognizing triggers, understanding their origins, navigating them with resilience. I allowed myself the grace to seek professional support, but most importantly, I surrendered. I spent time reconnecting with God through prayer, reading His word the bible and connecting with like-minded folks. #TGBTG.

These days, my continuing journey of selfcare and self love often involves confronting moments of vulnerability, seeking a balance that prioritizes both professional growth and personal well-being and re-setting the boundaries my therapist helped me create each time I feel triggered. So take my words - the ones that apply to your circumstances - and throw away the rest. Your selfcare journey awaits and so does your relationship with Him. Until next time. ???

? #KnowYourTriggers #RiseAbove #MoyasPlace

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About the Author: A connector, truth-teller, and bridge-builder, Moya Watts, blends dry humor, pop culture, and real talk to spark connection and meaningful conversations. Whether in corporate spaces or creative projects, they’re all about cutting through the noise and keeping it real.