I’m Tired, but I Continue to Stand

“We who believe in freedom cannot rest. We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes.”

May 1992, in College, as I was excited to take my senior year final exams at Morehouse College. After four years in college, and one year at home during which my family was homeless, I on the precipice of fulfilling a dream. Time to move forward.

As I opened my door, and walked outside… I saw dozens of police officers in riot gear.

“Until the killing of Black men, Black mothers’ sons. Is as important as the killing of White men, White mothers’ sons.”

April 2015, in College, as I was the Chief Financial Officer at Baltimore City Community College. After various career moves, some good, some not, I was looking forward to the end of the semester. My phone rang.

As I picked up the phone, and talked with my campus Chief of Police, I heard of civil unrest a few blocks away… and I helped order an evacuation of the campus.

“To me young people come first, they have the courage where we fail.”

May 2020, in Brooklyn, I went for a long run in my neighborhood. I’m a slow runner, given some lung issues, but I’m a consistent one these days. As I run through the area, my mind is constantly thinking of how men just like me have been killed for just…jogging.

And I think about how so many people, despite a pandemic, are determined and willing to protest and fight to protect others. A person like me is considered high risk with COVID. When I run, I have to constantly cross the street to avoid getting too close to other. If I see any crowded area, I have to go the other way – doctors’ orders. Yet the idea of not being able to join the protesters, even if it would jeopardize my own health, hurts me deeply.

Perhaps “Ella’s Song,” says it best.

“The older I get the better I know that the secret of my going on. Is when the reins are in the hand of the young who dare to run against the storm.”

May 1992 was Rodney King, April 2015 was Freddie Gray, May 2020… well, take your pick. Is it George Floyd from Minneapolis? Is it Breanna Taylor from Louisville? Perhaps it’s fellow jogger Ahmaud Arbery in Georgia?

Say all of their names. Say other names. These may feel like milestones, yet they aren’t.

They are outrageous tragedies to be sure. They are unacceptable without question. They were all callous murders that must be dealt with strongly and immediately.

But they aren’t alone. And sadly, they aren’t unusual. Truth is, you could pick any year, any month, any day, and you’re bound to find a Black life killed needlessly and cruelly. And when there isn’t death, there are unresolved problems such as historic and institutionalized racism, weaponized privilege, health disparities, economic inequities, and unchecked white supremacy.

This is all too familiar to a 50-year old Black man like me. And to truly explain what is so commonplace for me, would take so much time.

But if I don’t try to explain, those who need to know or even want to know may not get it.

“And if I can shed some light as they carry us through the gale.”

I’m tired, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of fearing police officers who are sworn to protect, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of assumptions about my character simply based on my skin tone, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of women pulling back their purses when they see me (when I probably have more money than they have), even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of my non-Black friends being afraid of offending me with tough questions on race, when that is one of the best ways for us to grow together, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of having to explain that being a 6-foot, 4-inch, 235-pound black man means that you never really get to put your guard down, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of my white friends, who I KNOW to be good people, being so surprised when civil unrest happens after yet another murder, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of seeing yet another day of justified anger. Anger not just for yet another Black man killed, but anger for those everyday injustices that so many never see, if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of wondering when this great country can have true leadership that can help guide us through a problem that isn’t going away, even if I’m used to not seeing it.

I’m tired even writing all this, because I haven’t even touched the surface what is in my head and heart, even if I’m used to it.

I’m tired of not really having the answers to this, because I can’t change the heads and hearts of evil people and those evil people seem to be leading and winning, even if I’m used to it.

Because as Much as I Want to Tell You all that.

I’m tired.

“Not needing to clutch for power, not needing the light just to shine on me. I need to be just one in the number as we stand against tyranny. Struggling myself don’t mean a whole lot I come to realize that teaching others to stand up and fight is the only way my struggle survive.”

Like so many of us, I’m tired.

But I continue to stand right here, as our struggle survives.

Calvin Harris Jr., CPA is a results-driven C-Suite professional with over 25 years of management and leadership experience in business. He is proud to serve as the Senior Vice President and Chief Financial Officer at the National Urban League.