I'm Sorry. You Forgive Me. What's Next?

A friend posted the meme above today, and it really got me to thinking about apologies, forgiveness and what happens after you've said you are sorry, and the other person has said that they forgive you. How can you move on?

I recently made a mistake. Actually, to be more accurate, I wasn't feeling very well and as a result of my lack of clarity, I hurt someone that I actually loved very much and very deeply. That person was kind enough to reach out to me directly and let me know how my behavior affected them.

Not to get into all the nooks and crannies and details of what took place - but suffice it to say, I realized the error in my ways and offered a sincere apology, which was heard and truthfully accepted as far as I am aware.

The offended party has made it clear that they have no beef with me, but as a result of my behavior, the other person instituted certain boundaries in our relationship going forward.

Though, if I had it my way things would be different, I can actually acknowledge, agree with and support that person's decisions in setting up the terms of our engagement(s) (if any) in the future.

Which brings us back to the message above: "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

In my case, I could actually agree with the other person that I hurt them. But we have all been in situations where we might completely disagree, and insist that our behavior was warranted or justified or ___________ [insert your own adjective here].

The point is this: I don't get to decide if the other person feels hurt. You don't get to decide if the other person feels hurt. We don't get to decide if other people are offended by us.

We just have to accept it.

In acknowledging and accepting the other person's reality, you are being fair to both yourself and the other person. If you are sincere in your apology, then you are being authentic to yourself. If you accept that the other person may or may not believe you or accept you or want to continue to engage you or need a break from you, then you are being genuine in accepting the other person's authentic self.

Win-win.

So, what happens next?

It depends on the individuals involved and can be anything from an abrupt end to the relationship to the offense feeling like a blip - you said you were sorry, the other person forgave you, and you both continued on like it never even happened. It's a continuum, and there is a wide spectrum of possible futures for the two of you.

I have personally been challenged in my intimate relationships, friendships, family ties, work environments and professional affiliations to learn how to let go of any preconceived notion of what happens after I say sorry and the other person forgives me. I have found it useful to be vocal about what my wishes are, but also to be respectful and accepting of the other person's choices.

What's next? I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.