Why sincere apologies really matter
Rachel Botsman
Leading expert on trust in the modern world. Author of WHAT’S MINE IS YOURS, WHO CAN YOU TRUST? And HOW TO TRUST & BE TRUSTED, writer and curator of the popular newsletter RETHINK.
How good are you at giving genuine apologies??
“I was wrong; I messed up.” As a parent, friend, and a colleague, I’m pretty good at saying these words. When it comes to being a daughter, sister, and wife, I find unfettered apologies much harder to give. I tend to cite history.
The toughest kind of “I’m sorry” to say can be when the other person can’t see their?contribution to the problem.
When you don’t think you’re entirely to blame in a situation, it’s so easy to become obsessed with making other people?see things your way:
“I’m sorry,?but?you need to understand…”
A sneaky little?“but”?or an?“if”?added-on can turn an apology into an?excuse.
Blame-reversal apologies can do more harm than good when it comes to trust.
Common apology mistakes
Think of a bad apology you’ve heard recently from a celebrity, business leader, politician, or in a personal relationship. Did it contain one of the following?
Rethinking apologies
At the start of our marriage, my husband and I were terrible at apologizing. He is a barrister, hardwired to make a case. He’d focus on my?exaggerations?and I’d keep score of?past slights.?Luckily, I stumbled across a brilliant book by a psychologist named Harriet Lerner (listen to the fantastic?episodes?she did with Brené Brown on how to apologize) that made me completely rethink the way I see an apology.?
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The toughest apologies to give are the ones that in some way conflict with the picture we have of ourselves as a person.
I think I’m a generous person, but you’re pointing out I’m selfish (ouch).
I think I’m a supportive person, but you’re saying I wasn’t there for you.
The greater the?threat to our self-concept?the more we try to?protect ourselves?with self-justification.
Defensiveness and denial are the arch enemies of a sincere apology.
Most of us will say sorry every day without giving it much thought, using excuses disguised as apologies.
Sorry, I’m late, but my last Zoom call ran over.
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to say something.
Sorry for my slow response to your email, but I've been so busy.
It makes it harder to spot when an apology is thoughtful and sincere.
A tip for this week...
Try embracing the power of a sincere ‘I’m sorry’ and see how it positively impacts both the giver and the recipient.
Warmly,
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My hope is that this newsletter inspires you to?think?with more humility,?talk?more openly, or?act?more meaningfully.?Subscribe?to Rethink?to join our growing community and get?empowering ideas sent to your inbox every fortnight.
Head of Portfolio Management at Zalando SE
4 年Yay, looked for the reference to Harriet Lerner! She is so great on apologizing!
Sports Industry Investor, Entrepreneur and Strategist
4 年Sincerity in an apology is key as you say. The english have always been notorious for over apologising and have been satirised (mostly self-satirised) in numerous comic acts. I was born english and felt that apologetic streak in my being, but having lived in Israel for the last 21 years I believe that experience has balanced things out ?? . As with many things in life, balance is important.
Highly-rated Business Copywriter and Creative Storyteller - Supporting Small Business Owners and Entrepreneurs with a Passion Project
4 年What great advice to help us all learn how to do better! It reminds me of a boss I had once who told another manager that they just don't do apologies. The take away for me is to try to do less of the daily apologizing with the excuses built in you referenced. Thanks!
Founder and Director@Samvaad consultancy services .Your one stop solution for recruitment,integrated HRMS payroll solutions,contractual &temp staffing solutions and audit services.
4 年In true sense Apology should be an acceptance and introspection for the inconvenience caused to others because of me either knowingly or unknowingly and a true apology will be an opportunity for inward looking, accepting and correcting that mistakes.