I'm sorry!

It's not just Elton John?that seems to think that "Sorry!" can be the hardest word. We have probably all been in a place where it seems darned near impossible to make our feet to move us closer and have the lips form those healing sounds. This despite knowing full well what a difference it could make, right? We still sit there like a stubborn, sulky six year old refusing to neither apologise nor ask for forgiveness.

When we do finally get around to apologizing, we often struggle to simply just say we're sorry. Instead, we tend to let the apology flow into explanations and justifications of what we have done: I'm sorry I got angry and yelled at you... but you have to understand that it's really hard not to when you never listen to me/ leave your stuff everywhere/ disrespect me/ ___________________ (fill in whatever you think the other person did to upset you). Seems like we just can't help trying to protect our fragile egos and feel totally justified in giving?a little correctional feedback while apologizing.

The problem is, this ruins the apology and reignites the argument. Because, instead of having the wanted effect of inoculating for the same kind of future problems, it rekindles the "problem thinking" and invites continued arguing about the same "things". So, if there?is something that most people have gotten backwards it’s the idea that others will change their minds if we just explain how they’re wrong and we’re right—again and again ...

So, from my almost 30 years of experience coaching people, I’ve found that the only long-term solution to this is understanding that the only relationship we truly have is the one with our own thinking. Eight billion people on the planet and all we can feel is our thinking moment to moment. Not our circumstances, our past or our future. Which means that your partner doesn't irritate you. You have irritated thinking about your partner in that moment. Your disagreeing co-worker isn't upsetting you because he's an idiot; you're having idiotic thoughts about him in that moment. The tone of that inconsiderate email didn't make you angry, you have angry thinking in the moment about the tone you made up in that email. That's why you feel the way you feel. If you understand the depth of that insight it makes all the difference in the world.

Once you see it you can apologize for what is actually going on which doesn't invite further arguing. I'm sorry I got angry and yelled at you... I got caught up in my own thinking and then took it out on you. Please forgive me! Can you see how this creates a completely different dynamic? Is there anybody who doesn't recognize the truth in this? That when it gets a little too hectic between our ears we all have a tendency to say and do things that are less useful...

That's why it's so valuable?to understand that we only run into trouble?when we think that something other than our thinking in the moment is the reason for how we feel. Then we can come up with endless reasons for our upset, rather than seeing that we are only ever upset?by our own thinking. That's why it's such a turning point when we look to how we all function psychologically. We no longer see it as a personal attack on us, or that the world is out to get us, when we have "bad" feelings. Instead we see that we all do the best we can given the thinking that looks "real" to us. Suddenly, with this understanding, we can exchange our irritation for compassion.

This doesn't mean that we don't take on what needs to be changed. But, and this important, we now can do it from a clear state of mind where we have access to more of our innate potential. So that we can be more of a positive force in any situation. At the very least, I hope this points you in a better direction and helps you apologize in a genuine way, without ruining it with excuses or justifications. Can you see how all this will make "sorry" a lot less hard of a word and one of the most powerful things you can say?