I’m slightly guilty about not feeling guilty at all returning to work

I’ve just returned from 6 months of parental leave. It is a complete gift, and thanks to HubSpot’s fully paid leave, spending the time with the little one was an easy decision. Willow, our daughter, is our third child and a complete dream. I’m not sure if she is naturally chilled and happy, or does having two older brothers mean that she has just learned to live with it. My wife reckons that she will be a master of distraction when she’s older, while the two of us are busy with the boys she will be up to no good!

Although her actual birth was magical, and I mean MAGICAL, but it was not without complication, we had a very rough start post her birth. Shortly after she was born by C-section I was hospitalized alone because I had fluid on my lungs. In the days after the birth it became difficult to breathe, in fact, I felt like I was drowning. The reason was unknown for some time and so it meant staying in hospital. It was scary I have to admit, I am not used to hospitals. For a time they thought I was in heart failure. Safe to say it scared the hell out of me. It also gave me a lot of time to reflect on my life. As it turns out, reflecting on my life actually made me pretty happy, but it also made me think about the future and the things I hoped I’d be here to do. The first and most important thing was to be there for my kids as they grow up. The second was to celebrate pretty much everything with the love of my life. It was a strange and grounding experience.?

Hearing news like that at any time is hard but 6 days after having a baby it was very tough. Anyone that has experienced postpartum crying will know it's completely unavoidable. I had experienced it in my first pregnancy so I was prepared and knew it was completely natural but in a hospital situation post a c-section it was not easy. I cried for about 5 days behind a mask while separated from my daughter Willow and my sons Grayson and Lochlan. Not something I'm afraid to share but a completely natural and sometimes not talked about part of the experience. It was truly awful. No visitors or emotional support except for the very loving nurses.?(Strangely I was wearing my Hubspot jumper!)

One of the reasons I was completely devastated being separated from the baby, besides the obvious, was because I wanted to breastfeed this time. The last time it didn’t work out for me and I bottle-fed. It was absolutely the right call for me and my mental health at the time. My son, now 4, is healthy, happy and I believe above-average intelligence…..(of course I’d say that) So I don’t think I did a terrible job. Fed is best. This time I wanted to try again.?

Ironically the only thing that kept me going on those very lonely nights in hospital was pumping milk every three hours with the help of the care assistants sterilising everything for me. They took sterilisation to the next level. They would then deliver the covid safe milk to the door of the hospital so it could be taken home to Willow. My poor wife Ger was not only dealing with a newborn and two boys under 3 at the time but also the worry about what was happening with me. I have been left with the impression that she is actually quite fond of me!

Thankfully after a lot of tests and months of heart monitoring, they found I was not heart failure. It was a major relief and on the upside, my heart is pretty healthy and after a few terrifying days, I was released from hospital post-treatment and returned to the family. Of course, the boys barely noticed I was missing. Willow latched on with ease and I fed her for almost 6 months. I was relieved that my time away from her hadn’t impacted the feeding.? I was proud that I achieved it, but honestly, I was happy to wean her to regain myself a little after the 6 months and I think that’s ok.?

Pandemic parent leave in Ireland has been different this time. I mean you're not up to much anyway with three children under 4 but it was so limiting at times. I was far more willing to go out and meet people on my last mat leave and so were they. But times have changed. The boys like any children had runny noses and so I would be more cautious with their grandparents visiting just in case. Of course, myself and Willow spent a ton of time together but when I wasn’t working through the endless laundry that appeared to breed during the night and double, I worked through a list of odd jobs to keep myself busy. It meant at times I was quite lonely. Even in a virtual working environment, you are talking to real people every day and I missed people!

The most difficult part was the situation with childcare. At times the boys were home for 3 weeks out of 4 because of runny noses or coughs. Lochlan is asthmatic and so he did have some attacks. The covid testing has become such a trauma for them. I realize now that on the third child you're just looking after the first two! I love them to death but there were times when it was a lot. I still wonder how we will cope now that I’m back at work but I do know I have a super supportive team at HubSpot and that helps.

So here’s the thing….the truth is I’m not built to be a stay-at-home parent. I think those that do are heroes, complete heroes. I’m just not one of those people. In truth, I feel only slightly guilty about not feeling guilty at all wanting to go back to work. Does that make me a bad person or parent? I don’t think so, I think there are quite a few parents both men and women that don’t enjoy being stay-at-home parents.?

My focus is being present with my children when I’m with them and working my ass off to make sure that they are safe and provided for. Although like most parents I suffer 50 shades of guilt at times, wanting to go back to work is not one of them. The kids are happy, mostly healthy, and great fun and I believe it makes me the best version of myself for them doing something I love. I get energy from what I do at Hubspot and that isn’t something I’ve decided I’m not going to feel guilty about.?