I’m showing up as my F*cking Self!

If you have a problem with that, well then please let me get out of your way, and in fact, you might as well stop reading now too! Hey, our time is valuable — why spend it doing anything that’s not an ABSOLUTE YES!

And to that point, why not be ABSOLUTELY UNAPOLOGETICALLY AUTHENTICALLY YOU, ALWAYS — no matter what!!!

(Now, that is not an invitation to ever be mean, crude, cruel, or intentionally negative and hurtful!)

For far too long, I have operated from an inauthentic part of my being. I have cared about making people comfortable, catering to what I assumed their needs might be, walking on eggshells, and chained to the cortisol infused idea I was going to make them mad, which only meant I prevented myself from being freely and unapologetically me. For too long, I suffocated myself by catering to the world, while starving my own needs. Well, not anymore.

Here’s what I have learned…

Regardless of what I do or don’t do, someone will judge me, and people will make up their minds about me based on their own belief system, mind-chemistry, conscious bias, unconscious bias, and personality.That’s okay — the bottom line is you are going to like me or not,and frankly, I would prefer you want the real me.

Besides, when you stop to think about it the people who become your friends while you are operating as your false self (or the fa?ade), those relationships sooner than later fizzle out. Why waste the bandwidth?

You know whom you connect with and whom you don’t. Yet, it seems it is much more difficult to identify when you are or are not operating from your true self. And, in America where everything is saturated with instant-gratification and beautifully appealing aesthetics, is it that alarming to why we act so vain at times?

Have you ever had a friendship or romantic relationship where you felt you were wearing a mask? Where you had to filter every idea before you opened your mouth? Where you began to no longer recognize yourself? You know where you’d have the thoughts of, “ugh, why did I say that”or “why am I doing this?”

It’s exhausting!

It’s time-consuming. And, it causes you to walk on eggshells, which leads to resentment and ultimately the demise of the relationship. Not being able to be your most beautifully imperfect self also drives bitterness because no one wants to feel as if they do not have the freedom to be him or herself.

Yes, I want to be perceived well. I want people to like me, and I prefer if people like me. That’s human nature! However, I don’t care if you don’t like me.

Now, at the moment I will fight the internal conflict of my people pleasing ways to arise, but deep down, I don’t care if you like me or not. Honestly, I find spending the bandwidth on trying to figure out if you like me or not to be obnoxious, annoying, and incredibly infuriating. Have you ever tried reading the micro-expressions and body language of an individual whose dominant way of being is emotionless?

The fact is, we are not going to like everyone we meet. We are also not going to connect with everyone we meet, and that’s okay, that’s what is so beautiful about the world. There are so many options, and no two people are made the same.

In the conversations where I speak openly and passionately about my philosophy of life, my way of living, and my past I hope you will listen open-mindedly, but if you do disagree, that’s okay too. I understand, for I am not looking for your validation or your approval. I promise you it’s okay if you do not agree with my way of living. We need to stop craving external validation so much and start living for internal validation.

The only thing I do request is your respect. And, doesn’t everyone deserve that?

So, with all this “authentic” and “true” self, stuff how do you know if you are truthfully behaving as that being?

The first thing is this….START growing your self-awareness. As a performance and results coach I find the number one things lacking in most unsuccessful people are self-awareness, self-observation, self-discipline, and a healthy self-talk.

One way to start growing your self-observation skills is through incorporating body checks, which is where you take a moment to see what is feeling out of flow and what is feeling right, or inflow. If you start implementing this today and infuse self-reflection in the moments where you consciously know when you are responding as either your true-self or the fa?ade, you will begin to pick up clues to what is what. Clarity is what is going to be the most helpful!

Self-talk is huge! Whatever you are saying to yourself is what you believe and what is creating your future. If your self-talk is harsh, cruel, mean, and set around not being good enough — Well, I urge you to change this immediately.

Start improving your self-talk to be encouraging, intelligent, and drives you toward what you desire. When we put ourselves down, we also put ourselves in a poor state of mind.

It’s like what Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

For me, I have found when I am interacting with my true self it feels as if my heart, mind, and soul, and body are all connected. I feel full — full of life and energy. It is a sensation of liberation. I feel as if I am a proud gorilla with my chest out, spine erect, and head held high. However, when I am replying from my fa?ade, I feel small in one of two ways. The first way is where I feel as if I am a little schoolgirl sitting in the corner of a gray, damp basement floor with fluorescent lights and an annoying drip that fills the atmosphere. I’m curled up in a ball, holding my knees too afraid to look up. My soul begins to retreat and shrink away into the furthest corner of the wet, dark, cold room. The second sensation is where I feel like I am a little mouse, terrified, tip-toeing around looking for the cheese, frantic that the mouse trap might snap my spine.

While the perception of me responding from a place of inauthenticity is descriptive and is portrayed in a mental vision, it does not just stop there. Even my body language goes from being strong, and large taking up my space, to smaller and closed off. My tone will also change to a higher pitch, and my mouth does not articulate as widely with each word’s pronunciation.

Today, I invite you to begin discovering when you are and are not participating in your true-self. Take inventory of when you are freely you. What does that feel like? What do you like about it? And, then remember a time that you didn’t like that made you flustered because with hindsight you realized what you wish you had done or said. What did you not like about that situation? What caused you to respond the way you responded? What was the intention or memory of what controlled your behavior? For best results, map this out on paper.

The second step is to start guarding your heart. We see it way too often.

“Oh, Sally didn’t agree with what I said and thinks my opinion is stupid, so we aren’t friends anymore.”

Guess what buddy, Sally is entitled to her opinion and her perception of the world. It’s not your responsibility to change that. This also means it’s your choice not to be so offended by her disagreeing. The sixth word is the most powerful word in the previous sentence:

CHOICE.

I promise you it is COMPLETELY possible to remain friends with someone who disagrees with you and doesn’t see eye to eye.

It’s all about choices. Choosing to get angry, offended, and butt-hurt takes as much (and I would arguably say more) energy than choosing NOT to let it affect you.

The third thing and this is where the rubber hits the pavement. Start identifying your limiting beliefs that are allowing your emotions to control you. When we start to discover what triggers us through self-awareness and start choosing to guard our heart, it becomes much more efficient to adopt more positive self-talk, which leads to gaining control over your emotions.

No one can make you do anything! Everything you do is a choice you have made. Stop blaming others and take responsibility of you!