I'm Sensitive and I'm Not Normal. How About You?

I have thought about writing this post for a long time, but wasn’t too sure if I was ready to explore something that has both defined and constrained me, for much of my adult life.?

It also explains why, to some, I may seem a little unusual. It revolves around one word – sensitivity.?

I’m a sensitive person.?

Technically that’s incorrect.??I’m a highly sensitive person or a HSP.??

Being vulnerable and sharing doesn’t come easily to me. Call me guarded, but the idea of sharing something so deeply personal as saying I’m a HSP is an antithesis to my pursuit of living life below the radar.

With that in mind - why share that I’m a HSP in such a public place as Linkedin??

Well for a start, because I’m not alone.?

15-20% of people fall into the definition of being highly sensitive. HSPs are a lot more common than you would think.

Secondly, being a HSP provides a distinct advantage for those working in customer centric and empathy driven roles, like me. But more about that later. In short, they are an awesome part of any creative, customer centric team.

Before you jump out of this article and reach for google to research HSP, let me save you the effort.

HSP is a personality type, not a disorder.??Disorders rely on much lower incidence rates. Disorders imply that there’s something wrong with you and create stigmatism. I dislike the term disorder.

HSP is defined through the work of Elaine and Arthur Aron in 1997.??

Drs Arthur and Elaine Aron (Source: Greater Good Magazine)

They determined that people that are considered to have Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) and who have certain inclinations, can be considered as HSP. So, no…it’s not a medical condition or something that needs to be cured. There’s nothing medically wrong with me.

SPS is not just the domain of human beings by the way.?

The Arons found SPS can be found in much of our natural world – whether it’s fruit flies, birds, fish, horses, dogs, cats and primates. The brains of these creatures, along with their homo sapien relatives, work differently compared to the majority of a species.

In short, HSP people have central nervous systems that are highly sensitive and responsive to physical, emotional and social stimuli. They process these stimuli on a far deeper level, which can translate to an acute awareness of their environment – both good and bad.

Given this hypersensitivity, HSPs experience emotions and thoughts with an intensity that can be overwhelming. It’s as if you are wearing a hearing aid, and the sound is amplified at 100x compared to what others are hearing.?

HSP is not something you develop – like the measles. You are born as a HSP.??

How do you know if you’re a HSP?

Well, based on the work of the Arons, there are a range of characteristics you are inclined towards that are indicative of this personality type, such as:

·??????An absolute aversion to violence, abuse, neglect and cruelty.

Whether it’s in real life, the news, or horror movies – when you see it, you deeply feel it. HSPs are deeply disturbed by anything that results in harm to others – irrespective of whether it’s human, animal or the environment.

·??????The need to recharge more often, and longer, compared to other people.?

This translates to peace and quiet, and for some solitude, or as I like to call it: aloneness. Having space provides time to understand and contemplate the stimuli that HSPs receive.?

·??????Minimisation of change.?

Being in familiar surroundings provides comfort and less stimulation. New surroundings can be, at least initially overwhelming.?

The best analogy is like when you’ve been sleeping in the dark and someone shines a bright light onto your face. It’s uncomfortable and overpowering.???Not that HSPs don’t want change! The excitement of change is enticing for HSPs, but this is offset by the anxiety that goes along with it.?

·??????A preference to take longer when making decisions.?

This means taking in a level of detail that most wouldn’t seek or care about in order to evaluate all angles of benefits and considerations. The end result is more time is spent making decisions given the amount of thinking that a HSP engages in.

This can frustrate those around them who are looking for quick answers.

·??????Depth of feeling and resonance towards life around them.?

This means HSPs notice things that others don’t notice.?

It could be when someone has a haircut that to the ordinary person is indistinguishable to how the person looked yesterday.

Or when they wear a new piece of jewellery or wear a ring on a different finger.??

(I am guilty of these kinds of observations).

But it’s more than just superficial things.??HSPs are highly aware of people’s emotions and their ‘vibe’.??But within this is a sensitivity to how people respond to a HSP - both positive and negative. This response sensitivity can then result in exhausting rumination.??

A HSP may have an awesome day – full of creativity and joy, but one event may trump this and become the focus of their thoughts.?

Endless questions that can drain the energy of a HSP, such as ‘why did that person say that?’or ‘why did that person look at me in that way?’ can manifest.

·??????Creative and imaginative.

Most HSPs are innately creative people, which is a manifestation of their very rich inner life. Take Vincent Van Gough as an example. A brilliant, and tortured artist. Van Gough is believed to be a HSP, who was misunderstood throughout much of his life

Vincent Van Gough - Self Portrait, 1887,?Art Institute of Chicago

You only have to look at his remarkable works like 'The Starry Night' and 'Irises' to see how he took the physical world that was visually overwhelming for him as a HSP, and transposed this to the canvas.

Again, true to the theme of sensitivity, HSPs are insightful and aware, which can mean they have grand ambitions and ideas for their lives and the World.?

As rich as this inner world is, sometimes translating that to hard realities of setbacks in life can challenging for HSPs.?

·??????Criticism cuts deeply.

Criticism can be painful.??This stems from an internal world which can be highly self-critical, so when they receive feedback, this is multiplied against their own negative views of themselves.?

·??????Conflict avoiders.

If they are exposed to conflict, it is amplified. This means for people who are used to conflict, and therefore have developed survival skills to navigate through and even thrive in conflict, seeing HSPs avoid conflict may seem uncourageous. But for HSPs conflict is multi-faceted.?

Avoiding what could cause harm to others, combined with the potential for being criticised results in most HSPs steering clear of conflict situations. This can be difficult, particularly in a corporate world where conflict is sometimes expected, even encouraged.?

This can translate to HSPs being seen as standoffish, aloof and shy.

Given these characteristics, it’s no wonder that HSPs can often be found retreating to the sanctuary of their home.??A place in which they can control the light, sound and environment in a way that dials down the intensity and lets HSPs breathe.?

A place where they can turn down the overwhelming world outside, and find peace within the space they call home.

It’s safe to say, HSPs are often misunderstood and people can label them as being in the ‘too hard basket’.

Despite our evolution towards greater inclusiveness as a society, personality types and learning to understand the intricacies of the human mind doesn’t seem to feature on the inclusiveness roadmap.?

It’s a shame, because those who have unique personality traits have so much to offer if only there was greater recognition along with more empathy in understanding why people behave the way they do.?

As with all inclusiveness, it opens up our potential to embrace a wider understanding of all humans that can help us be kinder to each other, and ultimately shines a mirror on ourselves, collectively and individually to love ourselves at a far deeper level.?It also translates to customer centric products too.

In my own world, as a HSP, I’ve learned to try and mask who I intrinsically am.?

It started in my childhood. Parents can confuse sensitivity with shyness, and perceive this to be a weakness that they should address to ensure social inclusion. This can ultimately do more harm than good to the formative minds of young people.

But like anyone trying to supress who they are, this has been extremely challenging for me.?

Living a lie is never easy, particularly in a society and job market where people are expected to be extroverted, able to take criticism (and give it too) without flinching and be a conformist.?

Inevitably, your self-esteem can suffer, because you feel you just don’t fit into the mainstream narrative.

In my case, it means I spend an inordinate amount of time alone (compared to my friends and colleagues), because I become exhausted rapidly when surrounded by people and the pressures of this world (both real and perceived).

I prefer dimly lit environments. Loud noise, whether it’s parties or even the banter of our post COVID 19 office environments, can be actually painful for me.??

Decisions for me are very hard at times. Ironically, as a product person in digital, I am able to make quick decisions and priority calls on product features.

But when it comes to my personal life – whether its choosing food on a menu, deciding where to travel, or contemplating a potential new job opportunity – making decisions can be agonising and no doubt frustrating for those around me waiting on responses. Sleep deprivation is normal during bigger decision-making phases in my life, but I’ve come to accept that.

And I hate conflict! No surprises there.

In a conversation recently with a colleague, I expressed my admiration for his ability for assertiveness. Or as he said about himself “I’m not afraid of conflict”.??My inability to adequately deal with conflict has embarrassed me throughout my life.?

I would honestly prefer to chew on cactus plants than engage in conflict. Which unfortunately has meant, many times in my life I’ve said yes to things, when I knew deep down I wanted to say no, but wanted to avoid the conflict that would follow.??

At times, I have honestly wished I was ‘normal’. Less so these days though.

But what is normal, anyway?

I’ve come to appreciate as someone working in creating digital experiences - there is no normal. There never has been, and never will be.

‘Normal’ is a construct that conveniently labels people in a way that makes it easier to ignore the outliers. The misfits on the margins are harder to respond to if they are normal.??If you forget about them, life is an easier experience.

But ‘normal’ ultimately dehumanises us.

It devalues all of our intrinsic diversity and wonderful perspectives. It seeks to supress our highly unique traits and qualities, and places a simple label on us.?

‘Normal’ reduces us down to a set of tired adjectives.

But our written or spoken language can never describe the amazing potential that every single human being has in this world. That potential to leave an indelible mark on those around us and in making our precious planet a better place, in our own immeasurable way.

More recently, I’ve come to embrace the blessing that being a HSP is for me. Perhaps I’m getting wiser as I get older.

For a start, it equips me with an empathy that’s so very essential when you work in crafting customer solutions. Deeply understanding and relating to those that you serve is priceless…and I’m given that for free as a HSP.?

I also notice things that others don’t notice. I can be in my car with a friend and see things around me that they completely ignore, and by doing so, I am able to enrich their life. Multiply this out across the people I interact with and the butterfly effect takes hold.?

I’m also sensitive to other’s moods. This can mean I’m the first one to know when something isn’t right, and the first one to ask that question that all of us should be asking each other a lot more – are you okay?

I also know how much criticism can hurt.?

It means I look for ways, as a person leading others to focus instead on strengths. I strive for human centred ways to help guide those precious people I work with, to self-realisation and self-learning, rather than finding fault.

These days, what was once a burden, has become a blessing in my life. Where there was confusion, where I misunderstood myself, has been replaced by recognition of potential and gratitude.

I’m proud to say that I am (highly) sensitive and I’m not normal.

How about you?