I'm Really Scared Right Now....

So I'm going to tell each one of you guys a secret. Don't tell anybody...promise?

Ok. Phew ??

I woke up terrified this morning.

Now, don't look so shocked...I am human, too, you know. I have fears, I have obligations, and I have dreams the size of Alaska. Maybe that's why I randomly get scared all the time. Maybe not.

It was unlike any other incident, in that there was absolutely nothing and nobody threatening in my path.

The fear came out of nowhere. Just....randomly. Ka-pow.

I had a million thoughts swirling in my head. You're an impostor. You can't succeed. You aren't the right person for this job. Nobody wants to hear what you have to say. And then, outside of the job scope there were other things to deal with: You can't have it all. Your dreams are stupid. You wish for the impossible. You can't dream big and expect to be successful. You think you're impacting people's lives, but it's actually all just a fa?ade. You don't come from a successful background. It's not possible to be that person.

Maybe the dreaming big part is a bit too woo-woo for you. That's ok. It's not something everyone can latch onto.

But from the very beginning, I felt that I was different. This traces back years ago when I was still young and living with my family. I would question everything. I wanted to know why things stayed the same. I knew what comfort felt like, but I also wanted to know what freedom felt like. Because, as it turns out, comfort and freedom do not always coexist.

Achieving freedom requires change. And change obliges us to become uncomfortable, very much so. I did not fully realize it until the words came out of my fingers and onto the keyboard; there is absolutely nothing cute or funny about deciding you want to change and then making a plan to bust through the wall.

Because almost the moment you make that decision to change the course of your life, everything and the kitchen sink seems to come up out of the woodwork to try to stop you.

So, having said all that...what am I afraid of the most?

I've decided some time ago that I was going to be the one. Not just any one, but the one. I am the one is pursuing a tech career and become the first woman in my family to do so. I am the one who will break generational chains in my family and those government pensions. I made the resolution to be the one who would be able, someway, somehow, to generate more money in ten years than many people will see in their lifetime.

Subconsciously, it may be that one of the things I have been most afraid of is finding out that I am, in fact, a somebody who isn't really anybody at all. That because my dreams are so big, there was no way I would be able to handle them.

Ever felt so afraid of your own potential that you were afraid to cross the bridge, because you felt you would never make it to the other side?

I have.

And that was another thought I had this morning.

I mentioned earlier that I have seen what comfort looks like. When people get comfortable, they typically like their lives well enough and stay right where they're at. Nothing wrong with that at all. I just was wired the opposite, for some strange reason.

And this morning, I subconsciously felt that the more I talked with friends or family in the days leading up, the more I noticed that nobody else ever appeared to share this same level of fear, and that is the fear of jumping off a cliff without a guarantee of a safety line to keep you from slamming into the bottom of the pit. The lack of having a human experience that was also relatable scared me. Because then, what does that make me? Some kind of untouchable Greek god-angel? I hope not.

Then there's the fear that when I do in fact achieve everything I've ever wanted (however many months or years from now that will be), I would then lose my purpose. Done. Game over.

I don't want that.

I am scared my tech book won't do well. We're experiencing some hiccups in the publishing process. I am afraid I won't use the right words in my book (sounds crazy, but not if you're a writer). I am scared my message won't quite get across, and that no one would truly want to read it. I am scared that LinkedIn won't let me go Live this weekend (after brazenly and confidently sharing that I was going live this weekend). And on, and on.

It's a crazy process, and I am going to confidently say that I am still pretty terrified of the unknown.

But I will end by saying that anything is better than being comfortable and broke. Anything is better than the 2018 version of Marie, 30 pounds overweight. Anything is better than the version of Marie who decided to play it safe and stay within the lines. I think honestly I'd rather die.

Buckle up. There are some huge peaks ahead. We're climbing up them.