I'm Not Perfect but I'm P.I.M.P.(a Person Interested in Making Progress): How the Arts,Music & Ed Help My Daily Fight with Cancers & Chronic Illness

I nearly bled out to death on Monday, May 9th, 2016 due to complications with my cancer treatments. I have had 8 cancer-related surgeries in the past 10 months including an emergency hysterectomy, oophorectomy, double mastectomies, breast reconstruction, necrosis, corrective surgery to fight necrosis, another round of breast reconstruction and life-saving surgery from a vaginal dehiscence and evisceration. I have the BRCA1, ATM and NBN cancer gene mutations. I am a ovarian and uterine cancer survivor. I am a breast cancer previvor. And NOW I am being evaluated for pancreatic cancer, liver cancer and thyroid cancer. How do I stay strong? How do I keep my strength to fight each moment of each day with my broken body? How do I stay resilient and positive? How do I continue to be a light-bearer? An everyday-saint? A Bridge-walker? Well--- I want to share what I have learned so far. It's all about community through the arts, music and education that is keeping me alive.

Although I have student health insurance as a full time PHD student, I still have to fundraise money to pay for the upcoming CT scans, MRIs and blood tests. I am being evaluated to see if my autoimmune diseases are attacking my liver. I suffer daily from severe chronic fatigue and chronic body malaise.

On January 13th, 2017, I had blood curdling screaming pain from muscle spasms and nerve pain led to an ambulance trip to the Emergency Room at Anschutz Medical Center in Denver. It was the kind of unbearable pain that makes you contemplate if death would be more merciful.

Thus, next week I have an emergency appointment with one of my neurologist to evaluate nerve damage and other nerve complications that are causing my intensifying tremors, spasms in my arms, hands and legs. I need cognitive rehabilitation for the brain fog that is compounded by my inability to have hormone replacement therapy at age 35, due to my prior history with estrogen dominant cancers and my lack of response to alternative methods. I am trying to fundraise for that too, because I don't qualify for Medicaid as a full time PHD student.

My battles with ovarian, uterine and breast cancers in the past 12 months left me financial destitute, homeless, and unable to afford food and drowning in medical debt. Thank God for the kindness of friends and strangers who have taken me in and make sure I eat every week.

I share this because I am honestly afraid I will die prematurely from being unable to pay the co-pays for the necessary testing and treatment that can save my life again from cancer and the treatments to deal with the permanent aftermath of health problems that come with cancer treatments for complex patients like myself.

I share this because I want to be my most authentic self with the world.

I share, so others dealing with similar circumstances know they are not alone.

I share, because I still want to shine my little light in the world.

Sharing stories, learnings, art, music and community advocacy keeps me fighting daily.

I share this so we think about humanizing the way we treat people suffering from cancer, cancer related complications and severe chronic illnesses and autoimmune diseases that can be disabling, debilitating and life transforming.

There is wisdom to learn from people who suffer and live with these kinds of issues. Living in Shanghai, China for 5 years working with the Yew Chung Education Foundation, Yew Chung International School of Shanghai from 2009-2014 taught me so much about community.

The amazing local community I had with local Chinese everyday people in my neighborhoods and through the expatriate communities from around the world gave me a plethora of experiences that to me demonstrated "Ubuntu" and "Namaste" ethos.

Namaste means "the divine in me honors the divine in you". Ubuntu means "I am Because We Are." I have learned these messages also from many American teachers, mentors and community members as well over the years. This is what gives me strength, inspiration, encouragement and motivation to move forward, to make progress, not just for myself but others, and all humanity.

Here are some examples of Light-bearers, Everyday-Saints and Bridge-Walkers for humanity whose own good works, positive experiences in the past and their support and mentorship from the past and even now still provide me a foundation of strength to fight not to simply keep my body alive, but to LIVE and THRIVE.

Thank you Paige Reed (High School Guidance Counselor) for seeing my potential and encouraging me to go to college. Thank you Noelle Marchand-Gilzow (Science Teacher) for your amazing mentorship, taking me as a youth when I was homeless and helping me have strength to move forward in life and overcome traumas many youth silencing suffer. Thank you Carol Kienger (English Teacher) for exposing me to philosophy-- in particular Socrates and Plato who taught me to ask questions, and encouraged me to read Color Purple by Alice Walker. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Hook (Music - Choir Teachers) for introducing to music from around the world and giving me a chance to use singing as a way to find my voice and heal. These were some of my amazing teachers at Hickman High School in Columbia, Missouri--- who still give me strength in my everyday battles. Thank you Mr. Beckner (Art Teacher) at Fairview Elementary School for opening my world to art at such a young age. Art gave me confidence in myself at school while dealing with intense racial tensions in school and the community at that time. Thank you Mrs. Dixon (3rd Grade teacher) at Fairview Elementary School) for making me fall in love with writing and learning for the first time. Thank you Mrs. Tilley (English Teacher) at West Junior High, for teaching me the value of history through learning about the Holocaust, the Smithsonian Museums and World War II. You helped me see the real raw issues of the world with a sense of urgency and depth that still informs me today. You helped me learn the importance of always looking at multiple histories from many perspectives through the stories, artifacts and art of others like Anne Frank's Diary.

I had amazing teachers at Colorado College too who gave me strength to fight battles, to overcome trauma and be my best most authentic self and authentic leader. These amazing teachers and staff I was lucky to have be my village of support and uplift from 1999 - 2003 included people like Philosophy professors Jonathan Lee and John Riker who inspired me to be a life long learner and critical thinker through the Humanities. I still remember then Dean Mike Edmonds and his staffer B Fox who encouraged and uplifted me as a first-generation college student. I remember my Sociology professors Sandra Wong and Gail Murphy-Geiss in Sociology helping me see the complexity and layers of the world that deepened my ability to empathize, understand and break down the various social, political and cultural issues of our time and historically. I remember Richard Celeste (former President of Colorado College, Ambassador to India for President Bill Clinton, Former Director of the Peace Corp, Former Governor of Ohio) and his inspiring activist wife Jacqueline Lundquist who always said the most encouraging words to help me grow, learn and explore my identity and leadership from such an inclusive and multifaceted understanding. I remember Peggy Berg (Dance Professor) encouraging me to all kinds of dance and exposing me to Avant Garde art! It opened my mind to new ideas! I remember and give thanks to Michael Grace (Choir Director) who opened up my world to international perspectives through music and being a singer in Italy. Thank you Vicki Burrichter (Music Director) for having me learn about Cuba and the multiple beauty of sub-cultures there and the opportunity to sing in Havana.

I remember my of my best friends from College, Molly Magdalain (Artist, Extraordinary Jewelry Designer/owner StarStrings, Health Care Entrepreneur/Innovator) who helped me learn, heal, grow and thrive through singing at her family cabin in the Rocky Mountains and our travels in Italy together as singers. She helped me see music as a way to encourage social movements. She helped me see the fun and power in making Jewelry and seeing the impact it can have on someone's life. I remember the kindness and community I learned from her family, her family business ScriptPro, and the amazing people there over the years who actively support their local community and the arts in many ways.

These memories, these people, these organizations, these villages of everyday people have shown me and always inspired me to strive each day to be a Light-bearer, Everyday-Saint and Bridge-Walker.

The arts, humanities and education are really essential ingredients for all human beings to have balance, to be critical thinkers and to be community members who work for the uplift of all across differences.

My pride and ego have burned away from this unending process of battling daily to live. Nearly bleeding out to death on my living room floor by myself on May 9th and then last night's episode of feeling the veil so close...fuel my soul to keep fighting even though my body is extremely weak. I dropped over 20 pounds in a few weeks and have other troubling symptoms. I have family history of pancreatic, liver and stomach cancer---- along with breast, ovarian and uterine cancer family history too.

I am doing my best to stay positive, proactive and courageous. It would be easier to lay down and die, but I am NOT! I have dreams to dream, life to live, good to do, and sharing in humanity to enjoy and learning to do in this lifetime.

To help keep my mind and emotions and spirit strong I am gonna start posting every week with inspiration, positive shout out, uplifting messages and critically informative articles meant to uplift all humanity and provide tools and knowledges that empower. Perhaps this is not typical for a Linkedin Influencer--- but I like being authentic and honest and transparent.

I will always be raw and honest about what it feels like to be in my body at that moment. It is not meant to discourage or get pity-- it is meant to empower and be seen and understood. I have spoken to countless others who suffer from cancer or other chronic illnesses that often are invisible or are poorly understood from a humanizing perspective. Thank goodness for the works of Judith Herman "Trauma and Recovery" and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying". Those books were so affirming in making it understood what it feels like to be in my body and to survive so many kinds of trauma--- yet still find strength to overcome, to thrive and make your soul on fire again.

I give thanks to my poly-spiritualism. I draw strength these days from many spiritual paths, religions, science on space, nature and even atheist and agnostic paths. I have learned from people of all walks of life... from the high achieving CEO to the former or current human being locked up in prison. Every human being has light to shine out and has potential to grow, learn and change and evolve. As an elementary school teacher, you need to believe this if you want to make true impact on the spirit of a child for a lifetime.

To help me stay courageous I will write and share my writing.

To nourish my will to live, I will create art, perform art and advocate for the arts.

To demonstrate my faith in God's-divine love- the extraordinary universe, I will sing and share.

I will be unapologetically authentic in my multilayered identity to give me strength.

I always wanted to be a mother in this lifetime. But after 3 miscarriages in my 20s, failed infertility treatment, 2 peaceful divorces with good people, and battling ovarian, uterine and breast cancer, I will never have children of my own womb. I don't have one anymore. I was told I will never be able adopt either due to my health and very Real circumstances. I am barely able to care for myself. It pains me, but I feel inspired to live long so I can advocate for other children who need advocates or have limited resources. And I proudly embrace being a proud auntie-mama-quana to my friends children. HONESTLY, I want to help all children/youth and adults (especially traumatized children, youth and adults) have more access to the Arts, Music, Performance and the Humanities. I think it's an ingredient we have underestimated in the recipes for healing, peace, growth and prosperity for all humanity.

I am still pursuing my PHD program at University of Colorado Boulder. I am still teaching LEAD 1000 (Becoming a Leader) at CU for the amazing Leadership Studies Minor.

I want to give a special shout out to CU Office of Diversity, Equity and Community Engagement (ODECE) and to CU Engage -Center on Community Research and Learning. There are some extraordinarily everyday-saints and light-bearers in those spaces who have and continue to give me encouragement and support as I embrace and navigate my new health landscapes as a person who loves learning and wants to continue to get her PHD as a multi-disabled person with visible and invisible disabilities and chronic debilitating illness. There are also some special professors too in the School of Education and Ethnic studies Dept. who inspire me and are light-bearers not just to me but to many communities. Their works and mentorship inspire me to want to live long so I may do good acts in the community locally, nationally and internationally. I want to give the CU Football team a shout out and the CU Girls Volleyball and Soccer teams shout outs, because of certain players inspiring me with their stories, resiliency and hard work and determination individually and as teams. I learned more than you know from your examples. I want to give thanks to Walt Morgan (Navy) and the ROTC students at CU Boulder who I have had the pleasure of teaching. They give me daily strength as well through their own stories and examples.

I also want to give a shout out to CU CAPS (Counseling and Psychiatric services), because of the light bearers there who give me hope and hold my hope candle for me when I am lost in the dark. There are amazing mental health and trauma specialists. I celebrate their amazing art therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists, who help make my journey bearable and care about the mental and emotional impacts of living with chronic severe illness and intense cancer passages. No one talks about mental health and cancer. Thank goodness for my GYN at CU Wardenburg who had the courage to encourage me to be more proactive with cancer prevention.

I want to give special thanks to my friends in ROTC and currently serving in the military and veterans from Navy, Army, Air Force and the Marines and reserves---- who have been some of my arch angels during the worst of my daily and severe battles... and for holding my hand with your words of courage and strength to persevere during the unspeakable moments of trauma with my health. I want to thank the amazing EMTs who have saved my life and help stand with me during unbearable suffering, pain and fear of death. You kind words and sense of humor in the ambulance made me feel comforted and safe.

I don't want anyone suffer alone or be made to feel ashamed of the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual trauma and recovery cycles and journeys that comes with cancer or autoimmune diseases or other debilitating illnesses you learn to live with.

I want to encourage a strengths based identity that acknowledges those layers of our identity too, as it does impact or completely transform you and your life in ways no one can predict for you.

I WILL DO MY BEST EACH DAY TO BE A LIGHT-BEARER, AN EVERYDAY SAINT AND BRIDGEWALKER. I AM AN ARTIST. I AM A COMMUNITY SCHOLAR. I AM AN ADVOCATE for HUMANITY and SUSTAINABLE PEACE.

• I would like to give a special thanks you to Kate Treanor Huckabay and Rasha Khalaf (two of my chosen soul- sisters), Ethan Fisher (one of my chosen soul-brothers and Inspirational Speaker and Friend, who celebrates my life each week) Phantom Circus ( Natalie Brown & Jonathan Cover - my circus family who not only support me, but strongly support people fighting cancer, cancer survivors and previvors) and Sound81 Productions (Justin Wilson - my chosen soul-brother and musical partner) and my community research partner with Goodwill industries and The Refugee Education Advocacy Project (Jonise/Joe Roberts) for your fierce steady unwavering support of my health and inspiration through the power of the Arts!!

Each of their own artistic works and community advocacy through the arts are apart of my daily medicine that keeps me smiling despite my pain, whose energy empowers me to fight to live...to fight so that I may contribute to all kinds of communities with each precious moment I am given on this earth. The kindness and comprehensive understanding of my health battles with cancer and autoimmune diseases that each of these amazing people and organizations have shown me have been tremendously healing.

I am grateful for these light-bearers embracing my multilayered identity, my physical body transformation process as I have battled cancer and helping me stay strong and empowered through music, dance, art, writing, speaking and circus. God bless the Arts!!! These amazing people LIVE and EMBODY the simple yet deeply sophisticated wisdom of UBUNTU "I am Because We Are" And "NAMASTE- The divine in me honors the divine in you."

I had both those phrases tattooed on my arms 1 week after my near death on Monday May 9th, 2016--- because they remind me of my core values at the center of my soul, that I want to come out in all personal and professional works I do.

I am facing this battle fiercely! 

BE BRIGHT. BE BOLD. BE BRILLIANT.

WE ARE ALL UNIQUE STARS IN THE DIVINE UNIVERSE SHINING OUT OUR LIGHT INTO THE EXPANDING EVOLVING EXISTENCE.

If you are interested in supporting the go fund that Sum Dea (Jonise Roberts) started to help me with my next set of cancer evaluations, health treatments for all my new disabilities and battling the autoimmune complications, here is the link.

https://www.gofundme.com/quana-madison-cancer-fighting-funds

Or for people who have been asking me regarding making a direct or private donation, you can also do a Chase Quickpay to my email [email protected].

If you cannot contribute, I understand and appreciate you sharing this post with others.

Better yet, if you support the Arts, Music, Education and Humanities in your local communities! Start there and expand to have national and global reach!

Thank you for helping me in my daily battle to simply live and fight to stay on the earth.

Some of the best medicine is simply being human, not letting someone suffer alone and coming together to support each other. I know the support I get in all forms keeps me going each moment to be a light-bearer, everyday saint and bridge-walker and community advocate to others.

Another way to show your support, is to to come to the Phantom Circus show on January 26th at the Oriental Theatre in Denver, Colorado at 8pm. I will be there. If you are a cancer survivor, previvor or advocate for cancer awareness, I encourage you to come to the show.

One special way to give support, is hire Phantom Circus to do a special event at in your local, national or international communities for cancer warriors, cancer survivors, cancer previvors, people living with chronic illness and military veteran advocacy groups. I encourage you to bring the arts, music and humanities to your local spaces of work and businesses in meaningful ways. It's powerful and could add some magic to your own lives and all the spaces you are in.

When I watch the amazing art and performance of this circus, I am reminded about what is possible. Their performances inspire me to imagine, dream and strive for the impossible. Watching in awe, I feel myself filling with joy, and playfulness and wonder through the arts. This particular amazing group, Phantom Circus helps me keep a vision for my long healthy future. I will proudly be there! ---for their art is healing, energy giving and makes me feel love in my heart. Given the state of affairs of the world, we all need art and music more than ever to feed our souls for the good fights we take on.

Please let me know from you plan to go, so I can look out for you and share hugs and share the healing magic of Art, Music and Circus together.

The Arts are a powerful and magical medicine. Please support the Arts, Music and the Humanities in the spaces you are able with children, youth, adults and yourself! I know that the Arts are saving my soul and helping me stay alive to be a warrior in my daily battles with my health.

In the words of the Buddha "Thousands of Candles can be lit from a Single Candle and the Life of the Candle will not be Shortened. Happiness never decreases from being shared." I am a single candle, hoping and striving my best to use my life to light the candles of others. This is the kind of success I seek to achieve everyday, in each moment.

Perhaps that is why I like think of myself as a "Midnight Phoenix". I have lived in the moments of life between light and darkness, between hope and hopelessness, when your entire life goes supernova and explodes like a dying star. Yet, like the mythical phoenix, I burst into flames--- not afraid but completely calm and full of faith that I will be reborn again, reconstituted and full of purpose, love and creativity. I am able to look at my Supernova remnants with compassion, reverence and admiration. My body is broken, but my Spirit is Fierce.

The amazing doctors, nurses, medical specialists and EMTs have saved my physical body repeatedly. I'm so grateful for all of them. But art, singing, dancing, writing, performing, music, humanities, true communities and circus has brought my soul back from the dead. There is something divine about these mediums of the arts, music, and the humanities. I wish to share, encourage and advocate for that incredible power be in EVERYONE's lives!

"I'm not perfect, but I'm P.I.M.P. (a Person Interested in Making Progress)." - with love and light, Quána

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Be on the lookout for a special collaborative art piece I will be sharing soon, to shine some positive light into the world through Arts and Music.

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