I'm not perfect.

Want to know a secret?

I’m not perfect…

I know, shocker!

There I was, thinking I was God's Gift to mankind - I’m just as surprised as you to find out I’m not.

But then I found out that very few people are perfect, and those who are live completely unattainable lives. So to compare is a total disservice to yourself.

What’s this got to do with mental health?

Well quite a bit actually.

>> TRIGGER WARNING - REFERENCES TO SUICIDE - READER DISCRETION ADVISED <<

My journey with mental health probably started longer ago than I can remember - but my first realisation occurred 10 years ago this past December when I thought about suicide.

(Sorry I know it’s Friday but the context is important)

I’ll spare the details, as I’ve gone over them countless times with my therapist and it just tires me out, but that was when I was truly opened to mental health.

And I ignored it. I didn’t want to think about it. Being sad, having no purpose, wandering aimlessly through life and doing what needed to be done to survive. I don’t think I ever really shifted that thought process, I just buried it under bucketloads of false confidence and sarcasm.

Until my dad died.

(You definitely don’t want that story, another one for my therapist - I’m sorry Rach)

And I mean I handled that excellently. I decided to do my Master's Degree in English and ended up crying several times to my tutor (I’m sorry Rob).

But this was my turnaround. I knew what I was feeling wasn’t healthy and it was steadily killing me. So I started therapy.

And. It. Was. Scary.

Nothing like sitting with a stranger and pouring your life out to them. I remember my first session, I walked out feeling amazing. I then proceeded to drive home and cry myself to sleep. Therapy is HARD.

But it helps. A problem share is a problem halved. I learned a lot about myself and how I can be my own worst enemy, how I'm a pathological "fixer" and that I'm not fooling anyone.

I’d always been the one to bottle everything up - never letting on what was going on inside.

This time around I decided to be open about my mental health.

I was so open with my mental health that I think it disarmed people. I was so willing to discuss depression, self-harming, suicidal thoughts and all the other stuff that goes on in the middle - in hindsight this lacks an incredible amount of tact and decorum and I have since found a way to wind my neck in ever so slightly.

All that false confidence I’d used as armour was now my sword. I was on top of the world and continued to talk, advocate and discuss those uncomfortable topics that no one likes to be bothered with.

And I’m still open to discussion around mental health. I’ll talk about it all day if I have to because it’s important.

And it still makes people uncomfortable.

I realised on my mental health journey that the reason I tried so hard to mask and cover-up my problems with mental health a decade ago was because I was terrified of being "mad".

There's still so much stigma surrounding mental health, that sometimes it feels like all the talk about wellness and its importance is really just a smoke screen for promoting a brand, personality or influencer. (I'm well aware that that isn't the case all the time but I am still jaded)

I've come a long way in my mental health journey, and I've still got a way to go. My anxiety, panic, depression and general view of the world aren't going away, they live with me and I respect them.

So what was the purpose of this whole article?

Well, if you're still here - thank you it means a lot and helps my ego tremendously - are you okay?

Mental health affects everyone, in infinitely different ways. All I want to know is, are you okay? And if you're not, my DMs are open. I might joke around a bit (it's my way of handling anxiety so I can only apologise) but I care, and I will listen, and I will try to help as best I can. I have a ton of resources, charities, and generally lovely people who are trained to help and offer professional support as well (I'll link some of them below).

Open up this #mentalhealthawarenessweek and every week after that - mental health is a marathon, not a sprint, you've just got to get over that starting line first.

Links to support, charities, and organisations:

Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Thrive Mental Health & Wellbeing: https://itstime2thrive.co.uk/

Mental Health: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

Young Minds: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/