“I’m not okay”: Suicidal thoughts, the need for connection, and my unique Thanksgiving holiday

"I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay!" I screamed into the phone bawling a few weeks ago. It was the first time I said those words out loud.?

The first time I admitted that I had suicidal thoughts.

The first time I legitimately felt it might be better if I carried out the plans in my head and let the pain of my life disappear.?

The mounting pressure of everything was crushing me in a way I simply didn't see a way out of. Contracting COVID, quarantining alone for 14 days, dealing with my mother's tough love and lack of understanding, navigating the end of a 2 year relationship, and dealing with confusion with my work.?

The words kept playing in my head, "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore"!

I was reaching my critical point, where I needed to let my pain out and share it with others, instead of keeping it in and continuing to suffer, I did what I probably should have done much sooner. I reached out for help and admitted I was in pain, admitted I was vulnerable.

I called 3 friends, each of which said the same thing, "you need more help".?

That led to me doing the most vulnerable thing I've done. Admitting I couldn't fix the problem on my own, and allowing myself to be defenseless. I checked into an Inpatient Psych Ward, admitted my weakness, and let the team there be strong for me.

While in the hospital, a few things struck me.?

First, I felt so normal. My experience in the psych ward wasn't what you're probably thinking - there weren't any "crazy" people like you've seen in movies. No one was unruly, dangerous, or psychotic. In fact, almost each person I spoke to were among the kindest people I've met. They were people who, like me, struggled to set boundaries with the people in their lives who had gotten away with abusing them: overbearing bosses, demanding parents, manipulative partners, etc.

Second, "How are you feeling?" was asked regularly and sincerely. How beautiful could our world be if we asked this instead of our obligatory "How ya doin'?" or What's up" we say to strangers and acquaintances. The answers to that question brought us closer together. I taught a man in his 70's how to play chess (and he promptly beat me in game #3!). I drew a picture and played cards with a 19 year old with severe health issues. I made two friends that I've texted with almost every day since I left.

Third, we were there on Thanksgiving. Each of us away from family, so we did our best to create our own. Because of COVID, we had to eat our meals alone in our rooms, but on Thanksgiving night we pled with the nurses to led us eat together as a pseudo temporary family. They agreed, and our totally non-traditional Thanksgiving was on - we still watched football, shared what we were thankful for, and played games. And if I'm being honest, I felt more comfortable and thankful this year than in most.

I guess what I was really seeking was authentic connection.?

And it helped; overall my sense of hope for my future has increased. I feel more optimistic about where I’m going. I feel clearer about who I can trust in my life going forward and who I can’t. I feel that deeper sense of purpose that I had lost in the days before going to hospital. I feel more connected when I talk to people. I’m practicing being more open and honest with others.?

Since I got out of the hospital, I’ve practiced opening up more authentically with my friends and family, in dating, and to a degree with my audience.?

I think we all need that authentic connection to make ourselves feel more human, more real.?

The kind of connection where you can tell people what’s really going on with you. How you’re hurting. How you’re stressed. How you’re struggling and want to give up.

Instead of maintaining the same facade we’ve been conditioned to show that tells us to act like we’ve got it all under control and everything is okay.?

Because sometimes we’re not okay.?

And that’s okay.

The key is to get the right support around you.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255?

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/