I'm not ok right now and that's ok!

I had an interesting call the other day with a mentor who asked how I was. Like most of us, I responded, "ok" thinking we would move on like any of the countless conversations that I've had. But she stopped and followed, "Are you really?". "Sure" I responded. "Really???"... "No, I'm actually kind of a mess right now but I don't have time to really deal with it. I'm burning myself from both ends and I feel like I'm failing everyone around me."

We then spent the next 45 minutes where I went through the laundry list of stress that has building up over the last couple months. From my previous boss leaving and having to step into a role where I have severe imposter syndrome, studying from my SHRM-SCP exam, being an HR team of 1, lay-offs and navigating a company from non-remote to fully-remote overnight. Carrying team morale as the team cheerleader and giving pep-talks to individuals who were feeling the stress of isolation and the fear of COVID, figuring out how to lead all of our company wide meetings and make them "best in class". Then navigating a company through the #BLM movement - trying to educate myself while educating others, creating space for conversations when I just wanted to really lie down and cry.

*Takes breathe*

Then add arguing with family members about how white privilege is real, Trump is destroying America, black people don't deserve to be murdered for being black, the police state isn't working anymore, #DefundThePolice doesn't mean lawlessness, Breonna Taylor's murderers have STILL not been convicted, the LGBTQIA+ community shouldn't have to fight for the same rights as everyone else, immigrant children shouldn't be dying in cages, religion shouldn't be used as a weapon for hatred, and wearing masks to prevent COVID is not a conspiracy to squash our rights. Oh, and I moved into a new apartment, my brother and sister-in-law left the city, and I'm living by myself for the first time in my life. All while trying not to get the quarantine-fifteen because heaven forbid if I eat my feelings with some mac and cheese and my "community" doesn't body shame me for it.

I HAVE to be ok though because on paper my life is going great. I have a job, an apartment, friends, family, my health. (Still single though...)

But if there is one thing I am not...it is "Ok".

And I'm coming to terms with that being ok.

Pre-COVID, the global pandemic that has killed 100s of thousands of people worldwide (you're right, the masks are a conspiracy) I was your typical workaholic always pushing off vacations to hit a deadline. I've even spent the night in the office once or twice. I'd hang out with friends and play volleyball on the weekend. I'd cook at home less than I "should", exercise less than I "should", read less than I "should".

Since COVID, I've tried learning to bake bread, learning new languages, getting a six-pack, meditation, watching less tv, writing letters in an effort to reconnect, yoga (HA!). Anything I could think of to just cope and I failed at all of them. Which just added to the spiral of not being ok.

The conversation with my mentor was a bit of a turning point though. In the 45 minute rant, she gave me the space to talk through my feelings. And then said, "Is this the first time you've allowed yourself to understand what you're feeling about everything happening in the world?" "Yes" "How do you feel?"

"Like I can actually breathe."

Now, instead of killing myself every day, I take a solid hour for lunch where I ignore email, Slack, and my phone to just stop thinking - maybe even do my dishes, or online shop for my new apartment. I exercise when I can but I make a point to get outside every day for a walk to get some fresh air or sometimes, honestly, get rained on (it's shockingly cathartic). I utilize mental health resources and I have a pillow I use to scream into when everything continues to feel overwhelming. I still bring an overly ambitious, GSD attitude but from 9-6pm EST Mon-Fri - to my surprise I get more done when I force myself to those time constraints.

I realize now being told you can't leave your apartment and take that vacation feels much different than choosing to push it off so you can hit a deadline. Being told to social distance feels a lot different than canceling those plans you never intended to fulfill. Being told to maintain engagement feels a lot different when you yourself are just trying to stay afloat. Watching the world seem to catch on fire all at the same time feels a lot different than living in your sheltered bubble.

I've started creating the space to breathe, to not be ok. I've started telling people, like my boss, when I'm not ok. Sometimes he can help, sometimes he can't. That's ok. I don't see admitting I'm not ok as a weakness anymore. I can still be successful and be not ok.

I like to think about how the world will look like in a year or three when this "new normal" because just another part of our lives.

Will I eventually be ok again? Will YOU eventually be ok again?

Maybe (not).

What I think I know though is that even in a world of social distancing, we are not alone. And the best way to support each other is to give yourself the space to say, "I'm not ok right now. And that's ok."