Don't be nice. (Be kind.)

A few weeks ago I was explicitly asked not to do something — and I did it anyway. It was the right decision for me, and my reasons for making this choice were crystal clear.

Even so, my hands shook for hours after. (It was a pretty big thing.)

Part of me (an old part) was really upset with the idea that my choice was “not nice.”??

Was my choice ethical? Yes. Was it grounded in respect for myself and others? Absolutely. Did it make someone else’s day more difficult? Definitely. Could they think that my choice wasn’t very “nice”? Quite possibly.

This is what led to my shaking hands. There's still that part of me that's invested in the idea that I’m supposed to be nice.

But here’s the thing: I'm not nice. And I don't want to be.

I'm KIND. (At least most of the time.)

This distinction came up with a client the other day in the context of his work environment. (He's a leader who gets stuck in “nice” a lot.) Here’s some of what we explored:

NICE is behavior designed to influence how others perceive us:

• Saying what we think others want to hear, hoping this will “make” them like us.
• Saying yes even when we’re feeling resentful. (We are “nice” on the surface but are stewing on the inside.)
• Avoiding saying or doing hard — but important — things, so we can seem easygoing or pleasant.
• Acting super friendly and chatty, even when it’s insincere and superficial.
• Offering unsolicited thoughts and ideas to “fix” someone else’s situation so we can appear to be helpful.
• Offering incomplete feedback that’s overly positive, rather than being clear.
• Choosing easy and glib over direct, honest and considered.

KIND is a value that drives how we treat ourselves and others:

• Considering what we believe others need or deserve to hear (based in love and respect) — and then saying it. Even if it makes us uncomfortable.
• Setting clear and consistent boundaries. (Saying “no” with clarity and neutrality, and staying out of resentment.)
• Giving others space when appropriate. (Not needing to demonstrate or “prove” how much we care.)
• Offering thoughtful and difficult feedback with compassion and clarity. (Clear = kind.)
• Acknowledging another’s situation with compassion, without trying to fix it. (It’s about them, not about us.)
• Taking the time to consider the impact of our choices, and to weigh what’s best for all involved, rather than focusing primarily on how we’ll be perceived.

Kind is hard. It takes ongoing commitment to stay oriented around this value. Those shaking hands are not the first or the last time I will feel a strong urge to “just be nice.” I'm human. But that easy appeal of “nice” is a lot like junk food — it's tempting in the moment, but there's not much nutritional value to sustain us.

INVITATION TO REFLECT: What about you? Does this distinction resonate with you? Do you sometimes opt for nice over kind?

RESOURCE: For more on this, check out this short excerpt from Brené Brown's fantastic book Dare to Lead.