I'm Mad, But I Love My Dad

For some of us, the warm memories of togetherness, of family, of fun-times, the constant presence of dad and the security it succoured in our hearts, are endless. Those kodak moments from childhood, even into adulthood, are forever etched in our minds.

For many of us, life tells the story of a different kind. One that is filled with feelings of loss, shame, anger, rejection, abandonment, hurt, fear, mistrust, abuse, and a multitude of questions that seemingly go unanswered, even with the passing of time.

I have been privileged to sit with both sets of people in the therapy room. It is always a very powerful experience. I find myself delving in and living vicariously through the expriences of those whose lives were, not perfect, but made stable by the presence of a father, who was very much active and engaged.

I have also found myself on the other end of the spectrum. More times than I desire to count. Burdened by the stories of clients who have aged chronology, but who battle a distorted view of themselves; feeling stuck, broken and ailing from wounds inflicted by fathers, who themselves were broken people.

Whether it was due to alcoholism, domestic violence, philandering, flat out abandonment of all paternal instincts, or that dynamic society is fully aware exists but would rather not confront, i.e., mothers intentionally disrupting the paternal relationships, all roads have led to the same outcome.

There is a plethora of information and statistics that paint a morbid picture of what happens to the home and invariably, to the society, when fathers do not man their post. But this writing is not about that.

This writing is meant for the individual who was "dropped" by a father, who is hurting and mad as heck, but who also senses a deep longing for connection and relationship with the very one who betrayed your earliest experience with love.

Can I admit from the start, you are in a precarious position. I sense the most impactful part of your reality is that feeling of self-betrayal you so acutely are aware of. How can you desire to be connected, let alone be in a relationship with someone who has hurt you so badly?

And yet, you do. This desire is very much part of your reality as the desire to excommunicate your father for what he has done to you. Now I do not purport myself to be the expert on any kind of relationship, what I do know is that it is completely normal to exist in such a space of duality.

Rarely are our lives an "either-or" kind of situation. Most times, it is "both-and." You can be mad at your father for doing what he did or did not do. You can also instinctively love your father and desire connection, all at the same time.

I have had to invite clients to give themselves permission to sit in this space. Uncomfortable? Absolutely! Internal fighting and pressure? Yes, that too. Here is what I've found though, the people who do take me up on that suggestion, though everything inside of them rebels and they initially want to "run away" from the process, after awhile, begin to be at ease. And they tell me too.

That inner turmoil begins to settle, albeit very slowly at first. It is as though that prison of emotions that has held them hostage for what seemed an eternity, begins to swing wide open, and they find themselves being given the choice (for the first time) to remain bound up on in the inside, or the freedom to walk out and re-narrate their life's story on their terms.

I cannot sit here in all honesty and say that the process is all peaches and cream. Coming to terms with what was and oftentimes still is, can be extremely painful. I can never fully understand or appreciate the state of someone whose father made a decision to not be in his or her life. My dad left my family for another family, but at least he remained connected.

Here is a question for you though - "What is the alternative?" What, for those of you who are mad with dad, but you still long for a relationship with him?

Here is what I think. You should do it! You have a lot to get off your chest and you really want to word vomit all over him. Let us start with something more tentative, say a phone call just to bridge that connection. You can say that you simply wanted to reach out and hear how he has been and that you long to hear his voice. See where it goes from there.

The anxiety will propel you to want to dump years of pent-up hurt and disappointment on him in one go. Resisting the urge is going to be important, because your internal freedom is at stake. As you work to fortify that connection little by little, I believe the opportunity will eventually present itself for you to share with dad all that you have been going through, because of the pain he has brought to your life.

Healing and recovery very rarely travel a straight path. It will take time, patience, effort, and diligence to turn the rudder to that ship. Keeping your desire for freedom from what was, or what has been, to what could be, i.e., connection and relationship, must remain central.

I have observed clients experience break through in this area and I am thankful that I get to celebrate with them. I have also had clients for whom the story was different and we had to do extensive work with coming to terms with the reality of things. It is never easy.

Fathers, whether present or not, active or not, engaged or not, represent the genesis of who we are as individuals, biologically, philosophically, and in so many other ways. It is an undeniable truth that we cannot escape and this is why their presence or absence is of such profound impact.

Desiring to work through the inner turmoil that comes from a broken parental relationship, but simply cannot do it on your own? Looking to work on mending such a relationship but lack the tools and strategies necessary to effect the changes you desire? Consider connecting with a family therapist and get the support you need at Psychology Today.

Georgia A. Bryce-Hutchinson is an accomplished Mental Health Consultant and Practitioner, who leverages an Environmental Engineering background to set the framework, language, and impact of coaching across corporate and one-on-one environments. She specializes in advising organizations and employees on mental health literacy, awareness and crisis intervention and devising preventative strategies to increase workforce productivity, engagement, and retention. Georgia has the ability to meet employees and people where they are in their lives, pivoting to support both the employee and the organization from an inside-out approach.?Connect with Georgia at [email protected] .