I'm just a human!

“Subha, sometimes I have heard you sound too good that many doubt if this can be true. Have you faced this?” she asked. I smiled. This is not the first time I heard this comment. Sometimes people are confused due to my actions or even my writing – not that I am divine but I am just a human.

Later that night as I was pondering, my nerves struck me. 2011 - I was hospitalized for a surgery. Surgery was not new to me as I had faced 2 minor surgeries before but this time after my kid. The previous night of the surgery, I cried silently holding my 1 year old daughter in my arms. The doctor arrived for a pre-surgery check. “Doctor, I don’t want this surgery. Can we please cancel it?” and he convinced me.

The next morning as I was moving into the operation theater, tears rolled down my cheeks not thinking about me but the worry of my little one. After eight hours of surgery, “Suuuuuuuuuuuuubbbbbbbbbbbhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” I heard slightly as if someone was calling me from a well. “Open your eyes” – I was not able to. I rolled my eyes and tried opening to see the whole world reeling and I instantly shut down my eyes. I wanted to cough but could feel the tubes choking my throat. It hurt badly. I wanted to give a deep breath and I could feel the tube on my nostrils too. It was painful. I felt something was hurting my urinary tract and it was a tube again. I was fed up. I tried to sleep but couldn’t to the pain.

The next day, I was awake and felt like pulling out all tubes from all across my body but it was painful. “I want to freshen up please” I asked my mom. It was the third day - the caretaker from hospital came in for help. “I don’t want anyone please. Let me do it myself” being a person who never liked to ask help from anyone, I felt bad that I had to depend on someone for my basic needs. “Amma, please go out” I screamed. The caretaker said “let me hold you. I am like your mom. We do this for every patient here”. I was at first adamant not to take help but then realized this is not possible.

I then nodded slowly. She called the nurse to stop the IV. She then pulled the thread from the hospital gown and got me off the gown. I was undressed – I cried out with embarrassment. “Its ok ma. You first have to take care of yourself. We consider every patient as a child here” the caretaker was patient with me. However I wasn’t feeling good.

That night strong emotions within me. No earring, no bracelet, not even my mangal sutra or the toe ring. As she undressed me I realized, I am just a living corpse with nothing on me. I am not a software engineer, not a medalist, not a district rank holder, not an ambitious woman, not a pampered daughter, not a darling sibling, not a responsible wife nor a lovable mother. “Who am I” a strong question arose within me for the first time.

After returning back, I couldn’t write. I was frustrated having to leave work for 4 months and staying at home. The questions of the future haunted me. I was angry yet determined to move on. For the first time I realized “I am just a human”.

One year later as I felt life was stabilizing, one day we had to rush to the hospital holding my darling daughter in our arms. “The baby’s heart beat and BP are not recordable. We will try to revive her” as my aunt who is a doctor said rushing to the operation theater holding my 2 year old in her arms, I was dumbstruck. After first revival, she was rushed to a bigger hospital in an ambulance. The siren made me breathless. Every vehicle gave way which I am thankful even today and once we arrived at the hospital, she was rushed to Critical care unit.

4 days, like a mad zombie, I was at the reception praying for her to come back. Every morning as the doctor meets us, he would explain the complications – 75% life risk is what we were told. I was 25 then – too young to digest what was going on. The fourth day when he said “we might have to wait just for today and she might need a ventilator” I came out of the doctor’s office and ran across the corridor not knowing what to do. I felt like screaming as loudly as a thunder – but in vain! I could only fall down and close my eyes tightly – I am just a human.

The fifth day, I was told the first time that her vitals are slowly stabilizing. Sixth day to step down ICU and we were allowed to see her for 30 seconds everyday. “God save my child” I would chant next to her holding my tears. I am just a helpless human. Finally after 15 days of hospitalization, my child was back alive – the second birth. She stopped talking and walking. “The child went through a major trauma. It would take time for her to return to normalcy” as the doctor said, “I am happy that she breathes today. Let her take her time” I told myself. I cursed myself for getting married – “did I pass on my faulty genes to her? Why should she suffer?” it haunted me.

Eight years until she underwent a surgery – tough nights seeing her cry in pain. I appeared a monster mom teaching her how to handle it with no emotions – but the struggles were within me. I stopped even discussing or sharing with my siblings as I knew talking about it only caused more pain. I overworked and overworked – work became my strongest diversion. The smiling, energetic lady is all that everyone saw and not the struggling mom who was unknown to anyone – not even to my family.

“You are made of stone. You have no emotions. Don’t become a robot or an addict to work” many in my family often said. My passion at work, my writing was what brought me back all the time. “Isn’t it important to face things and see what needs to be done than crying over it? Yes, she has a problem and we need to fix it. Hence this is not the time for emotions” I told myself handling things. I would take her to the doctor in the morning and return to office greeting everyone with a smile. Some evenings were long at the hospital and returning to work the next day.

Lovely colleagues around but never did I utter a word – not because of lack of trust but I never wanted to grow my burden. It’s just a phase and it will pass on. I became even more adamant.

I stopped calling even my friends as I knew talking about burden again and again doesn't help. “The busy bee” I was called. But little did they know that work and writing was my abode of joy and coping mechanism. I had to be stronger to teach her to handle the situation strongly and she was even more bolder at this phase.

Whenever an ambulance passes by, I close my eyes for a few seconds praying for the recovery for the person inside for I know the pain of siren bringing in palpitation while my daughter struggled for life.

“Who am I?” the second time I asked myself. I am just a helpless human.

I am aware of my blind spots, my adamance, my dominance, my aggression and my emotions.

Some brand me as a visibility freak, some brand me as an emotional idiot, some love me for the way I am, some respect me from the heart, some trust me blindly. I get unaffected as I'm just a human.

“What are you chasing – money or power? Knowing you, I know it’s not both” one of my trusted leaders asked me. I never had an answer vocally.

“Don’t escape life to work” my brother often advised. “You are replaceable anytime at work” he says – “Yes, I am aware I am just a human” I wink.

I learnt to see each other as humans. I learnt the agonies that life could bring in. I learnt the emotions that someone else could carry. I learnt to read someones worrying face. I learnt to see each other beyond topics at work. I stopped finding fault for petty things; I stopped complaining about life; I stopped chasing and racing – as I realized I am just a human.

As I came out of my office, I removed my tag taking the car to the hospital. I stood in the line, billed and waited for my turn. I was engrossed reflecting on a decade and a half journey of life that made me understand “I am just a human”.

“Subha Thangaraj – ID xxx” as someone called, I stood up. “Madam, who is your attendant?” as he asked, I said “No one here, please tell me”. He hesitantly said “I will call a lady nurse”. She came to me and briefed on the procedure and gave me a hospital gown. “Please remove your earrings, chain, bracelet, clothes and change to only this gown. It will take an hour for the procedure” as she said, I smiled leaving all my so-called valuables.

“My ID card doesn’t confirm I’m a manager in a large company; my gold assets do not confirm I am a middle class woman in this society; my last name doesn’t show my family history in my town - I am just someone here” as I entered the room to lie down, I could feel a stronger voice telling me “I’m just a human” and the journey continues! My third phase of life :)

“I will continue being this human even if someone finds it hard to believe!” I told myself.

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