“I’m just a girl, sitting in front of a Zoom group, asking them to like her.”

I’ve taken some artistic license here folks, I’m sure the wonderfully talented Richard Curtis will forgive me, just this once! 

So, what’s behind my opening line? Well, I’ve had some anxiety over the past week or so, it’s not something l experience regularly, so it still takes a while for me to recognise what’s going on. 

I had feelings of anxiety following the death of my Dad, four years ago, and again the following year when I was made redundant from my job after a twelve year stint. On both of these occasions I bottled things up, believing I could ‘pull myself together’ and get through it, and I guess I did to a degree. Life moves on and you think you’re ok because you’re managing the day to day, the mask of normality firmly in place. I’ve always been seen as the ‘sensible one’, the ‘capable one’, and it’s a long way down from that pedestal!

But anxiety leaves a fingerprint when it touches you, and every now and again emotions bubble up to the surface and leak out.  A couple of weeks ago I had my first panic attack, I don’t mind telling you, I was bloody scared! It woke me from my sleep but continued even though I was quickly fully awake, and in those few moments I thought I was going to die. Although it passed once my partner had woken up and helped me breathe calmly, for the next few nights I was terrified of going to sleep... what if the panic returned? 

And to really liven things up, I’m going through the menopause too, and I’d begun to notice an increase in the delightful array of symptoms that can manifest with this particular gift of womanhood! But this time I knew I couldn’t suffer in silence. So, I reached out to someone who knows me well, someone I’ve known for many years, and someone who would and happily did tell me that I need to get ‘this s**t sorted’, and better still, she’d try and sort it with me. 

I made a list of all the stuff that I need to work on (I’m a huge lover of lists!), and it’s very much a ‘get done’ list, as right now, a ‘to do’ mindset would just swamp me. We talk daily about anything and everything, the silly mundane stuff and the darker, anxiety stuff too.  

It’s helping.  

And so is being more open and truthful with my partner, he’s a great listener, gentle, kind and with limitless patience, and we’ve had some real open and honest conversations. 

It’s helping. 

We were recently invited to celebrate a milestone birthday with a close relative.  The occasion had been well thought out and prepared, full social distancing in place, we’d even been sent birthday-themed face masks. I was dolled up and ready to leave, gifts all wrapped, a bottle of champagne all tied up with a pretty bow and WHAM - another panic attack.  I just couldn’t face the thought of being amongst people after being cocooned in my safe, home ‘bubble’ for the past few months.  And not only that, the thought of having to ‘be the funny one’ was just too overwhelming. I’m always the funny one at these family occasions, and generally I do love talking to people and sharing a few giggles.  But the more I tried to leave the house, the more I panicked and I just became completely distressed and overwhelmed.  Once I’d calmed a little our apologies were sent and everyone was so kind, but I felt a fraud, hiding behind a fantasy tummy bug (although to be fair, my stomach WAS in knots!).

Later on I spoke to my confidante to gain some perspective and I ‘forgave’ myself for letting people down. As a people-pleaser I was more worried about what people would think of my non-appearance, rather than the underlying reasons for it. 

And so to last week.  A little while ago I’d spotted a workshop that caught my eye on LinkedIn and I decided to invest in some self-development.  Really looking forward to it, I purchased a swanky new notebook and was counting down the days.  But a restful sleep the night before the session eluded me, I tossed and turned and couldn’t settle, the workshop very much on my mind. 

However I did feel brighter after finally falling asleep, and I was feeling positive as the morning came and went. Then, about an hour before the session was due to start I could feel the anxiety build. “What if I didn’t know what to say?” “What if I was put on the spot and didn’t have a clever answer?” “What if we had to make networky smalltalk?” “What if I just looked fat and frumpy, with my lockdown greying hair that’s still awaiting my hairdresser appointment?” 

The bloody mind talk just went on and on. 

But another voice in my head said “hang on, you’ve bloody paid for this, stop being a dick and log in!”. Thankfully, that voice won out! 

And so I found myself amongst a dozen new people, all with the same goal in mind, I was past the point of no return! As the workshop progressed, I could feel myself begin to relax, and better still, start to enjoy myself!  It very quickly felt a safe space to learn and share, and like others, I found myself sharing some vulnerabilities as we explored our creative thoughts and ideas. 

A little over two hours later and I was buzzing!  My partner saw the change in me immediately as I excitedly showed him my mindmap and pages of notes.  I felt like the old me, but lighter, brighter and full of creative energy.  The workshop had been a tonic in more ways than one.  And so far, those positive feelings have remained, and I’ve spent the past few days reflecting over the session, jotting down ideas and drafting out future story ideas.  

Another task on the ‘Get Done’ list has also been achieved, I’ve made an appointment to speak to a doctor. That was a biggie for me as I detest all things medical, but I know it’ll be a step in the right direction. 

I also opened up to my Chrysalis Crew colleagues.  I’ve done the training, I’m a Mental Health First Aider, yet I was worried that I’d be judged. 

And there it is, right there, the fear of being judged, the fear of being a little bit damaged, a little bit flawed.  I’ve learned so much about mental health since joining The Crew, I’ve admired the open and honest way that Kelly Swingler has talked about her own issues, and there have been times I’ve shared my own vulnerabilities quite openly in social media articles and posts.  But the panic attacks had taken me to a different place, the physical manifestation of what was going on internally... I was more than a little scared to share. 

My ‘admittance’ was met with nothing but support and kindness, as I knew deep down it would be, and I felt much better after sharing my thoughts and fears.  Being part of this crew means being there for each other through the high points and the lowest ebbs.  But it starts with me, I had to open up and start that dialogue, and that’s not easy, that’s 'bringing your full self to work'.  That’s fighting years of being programmed to ‘leave the personal stuff’ at the office door.  That’s losing the ‘keep calm and carry on’ mindset. 

New habits take practise. 

And then a few days ago, alongside the usual mail and flyers, was an envelope with my name handwritten on the front.  Inside were the beautiful stones you see in the photograph, a surprise gift from my friend and confidante.  Isn’t the knowledge that you matter to others just the most uplifting feeling. 

Outside of my partner, I’ve missed the power of not being able to give or receive a hug, and that’s been hard for me.  Because of my mum’s situation, I’ve not been able to see her since lockdown, and although we talk on the phone every other day, the separation has been difficult.  I guess some of this has fed my anxiety, and my anxiety has had a hearty appetite of late! 

Writing this has been cathartic, and I am so pleased I came across this wonderful workshop, run by the awesome Asha Clearwater. The movie theme caught my attention, and it was the magical gateway to both creativity and a safe, supportive space to learn. Very quickly, the group felt a safe and supportive environment, and it felt good to openly share emotions, thoughts and feelings alongside others doing exactly the same. 

Although the weather this weekend was too nice to be indoors watching movies, I downloaded all of the movies we’d chosen in the group to my Sky box, ready for more inclement conditions. In fact my partner nearly had an anxiety attack of his own when he saw how much disk space capacity I’d used up! 

If you’re still reading this, thanks for sticking with me! One of the films that we drew creative content from was the 2018 release, ‘Christopher Robin’, so to close, I’m going to hand over to a short, wise bear to have the final word.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

Winnie The Pooh 

#MentalHealth #LearningTogether #TheMagicOfTheMovies #Mindset #OpenAndHonest #DontJudgeMe #PanicAttacks #MentalWellbeing #WinnieThePooh