I'm Judging You

Value judgements are something that most of us do automatically every day. We may not realize it, but deep down it’s happening whether we say it out loud or just think it. “I can’t believe she’s wearing that!” “Oh no he didn’t!” “I would never do something so stupid/crazy/irresponsible.” “My parents brought me up better than that.” And on, and on, and on in our minds. We don’t do this because we want to be condescending, self-righteous jerks. We do it because we carry a very deeply ingrained set of values and mores, so deeply ingrained in fact that usually we do not consciously acknowledge they exist.

When traveling in a foreign country, these personal and cultural values are brought into stark relief because many things hit up against what we consider ‘right’ or ‘normal.’ In the United States, it is normal for a small, nuclear family to live in a stand-alone house with a yard and potable hot and cold water. In many other places throughout the world, one house contains all parts of a family – grandparents and great-grandparents, adult children with their spouses, and grandchildren in a space smaller than a suburban McMansion. These houses may have running water, but in general it is not potable or hot. If someone wants hot water, they install a point-source electric heater on a showerhead, bringing the exciting possibility of electrocution each time you brave turning on the faucet! This is ‘normal’ for much of the world, but is it ‘right?’ And who gets to make that judgement?

One of the reasons I wanted to take a career break for long-term travel was because I spend so much time believing I am right. I go through my days confidently making decisions, directing the actions of others, and making judgement calls about all manner of things without ever questioning why I think what I do. When I make mistakes, it reminds me that I am not always right and that I should spend a lot more time wondering what I don’t know instead of assuming I have the answer.

My current trip through South America has certainly brought this issue to the forefront. Sometimes I see things that are different and realize that my way is not the only one, and probably not even the best! I have also had to take a big step back on some of my very deep cultural norms in order to start learning and stop judging. Any time I catch myself making a judgement, rather than questioning why I believe I am ‘right’ I have found that judging makes the time I spend in a foreign culture less enjoyable.

In the United States, we are used to having space: in our houses, in our cars, in our offices, and around ourselves in public. In much of the world, this amount of space is an unimaginable luxury. People ride city buses packed beyond the point of sardine cans, walk on narrow sidewalks so crowded that it’s necessary to step into the street to pass each other, and in general spend their entire lives without having even a small amount of public or private space they can claim as their own. One of my strongest cultural norms is the need for personal space – and this makes it very difficult for me to accept not having it.

I get caught up mentally judging how uncomfortable this is, why are people touching me, why are they doing all of these things and living their lives in ways I don’t like? I forget to stop and question why I’m making this judgement, and what underlying mores and beliefs make me label things ‘wrong’ instead of accepting them as merely different. For now all I can do is realize that I need to try harder to identify, question, and let go of what I believe is right, in order to allow myself to build a more accepting and less judgmental normal.