I'm Impossible? You're Impossible!

Being unable to converse with someone is the root of humankind’s problems.?It gives rise to interpersonal conflict, business conflict, community conflict and full-scale wars.

The trouble is, when communication breaks down, we walk away; or we jump to physical conflict.?The latter of which may eventually come to a stop when there has been irreparable damage and both parties are spent, and most likely never having resolved the initial conflict.

If we could find a way to talk to one another—that is, those with whom we have an impending or ongoing conflict—our history as a species would be diametrically different.

How to Have Impossible Conversations, by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, charts this tortured territory, and comes up with some great insights and options.

For a start, anger and fear are the bottom of most conflicts.?We need to understand the other party’s fears—and our own in this situation.?Fear gives rise to anger which gets in the way of all resolutions.?The authors quote Groucho Marx:

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

We’re also talking about people who have different opinions and different value sets.?Do these differences automatically mean that no conversation is possible, that in the pursuit of opposing outcomes, conflict is inevitable??

We can all get things done with people who are like us, but the vast majority of people are not like us and we either find a way to converse, and even lead, or settle for a small life or a conflicted life.

Then there are the avoiders—who show no signs of disagreement, but who silently disagree and who cannot be reached, because they refuse to have their beliefs tested, much less changed.?

Whenever there is a difference of opinion, the person holding tightest to their beliefs will almost certainly not see that there is something that the other person understands in a way that they themselves do not.

And the telling—“that’s wrong”, “you’re wrong”, “only I know the truth”—will kill the conversation.

For those of us who are trenchantly opposed to seeing anything good in the opposite party, we will need to give up some of our own ego—and start with assuming that their intentions are better than we think.?

More than that, we need to actively search for what those good intentions are; then we need to care about those intentions; then we need to feedback to the other party that we have understood, that we care and that we are looking for a shared solution.?Then we stop thinking about them as the other party, rather as a discussion partner.

We may then apply Anatol Rapoport’s rules of engagement:

• Express your discussion partner’s position clearly, vividly, fairly (in their presence);
• List any points of agreement;
• Mention anything that you have learned from them;
• (And only then) provide your rebuttal or critique of their position.

Our beliefs are invariably based on very little of substance—we have been deeply influenced by a person, an ideology or an event—which we may only realise under deep questioning.?This works both ways of course, if there is the goodwill to go there.

The faith-based / ideologue mind is the most resistant to a conversation of opposing opinions.?Such a mind cannot be swayed by facts—the discussion partner needs to create doubt.?For instance, by asking: “What would it take to change your mind about [what you have just said]?” and “On a scale of 1-10, how confident are you that that is true?”?The concept is that challenging the belief on which the argument is based will bring a more productive conversation—this is starting with disconfirmation.

Sometimes it is impossible to have a satisfactory conversation—when either party is unable to give ground on their views and who maintain a strict adherence to ideology:?“You think I’m impossible??You’re impossible!”

But being impossible is as much about ourselves as it is about some characteristic of the other party.?If you are in a tight conflict, test the power of saying:

“I’ve changed my mind.”

It just may open the door in a possible conversation.

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Next week:?Building the Remarkable Business

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About the Author

Jeff Bell?is Principal of executive consultancy ResultsWise in Perth, Western Australia.?To boost your leadership, ask Jeff about consulting, coaching, strategy facilitation, Band of Leaders Australia (BoLA) [email protected] or Advanced Leadership Course [email protected]. Mobile 0439 988 662.