I'm Grieving ya'll, so be kind if I'm not myself.

It's a HEAVY read. This posts may not resonate for everyone. Today's letter is about me again. Not personally about myself, but about my son who is 25 and incarcerated. He's my oldest child and if I'm being honest and if you've seen some podcast interviews with myself I openly admit to being an emotionally unavailable parent to a journey of being a present parent. It was painful to know the truth about myself and my contribution to my family's wellbeing and that I was the source of a lot of their anguish. I'm not beating up on myself because I can't go back and change the past, but I'm providing context of how the influences in our lives can be impactful and harmful and carry so much impact. One of the hardest things to do was to confess my inability at the time to be emotionally available to them as kids and admit my disconnection and confirm their beliefs of my transgressions. I had a f*cked up belief system and it was not nurturing in any way. My son at I cried at the vulnerability of my truth and the confirmation of my acknowledgement. This aided our journey to healing as mother and son.

He's been the recipient of the Obama educational award in the 5th grade. Honor roll many times over in middle school, homeless in his last year of high school and yet he still graduated and later became a plumbers apprentice electrician for 2 years. What happened? Covid happened. He work for a company in Long Beach for 2 years and and when Covid hit they sent him to work but hadn't received pay for 3 months. I assumed he was trying to figure out how to make ends meet. My son is now in jail for robbery. Allegedly, there was a group of 4 young black men all in the ages of 18 - 21. One of them died during the shootout from the security guard and another died in jail from drug overdose.

California Felony Murder Rule Under Senate Bill 1457. In 2018, a new law changed the felony murder rule in California. Pursuant to Senate Bill 1437, the prosecution must now generally show that the defendant had a greater role in the victim’s death. Under the prior felony murder rule, a defendant could be convicted if, while a felony was being carried out, a victim died. If the killing was accidental or the defendant did not intend to kill, they could still be charged with felony murder.

My son falls under this decree. Last week Wednesday the district attorney and prosecutors gave him 30 minutes to make a decision to go to trial which could give him 75 years or take 26 years and waive the 3 years he's already served. This was so stressful I couldn't hold myself together. He took a plea deal for 26 years. This 26 years is the reason I'm grieving deeply. I'm hurting.