I’m Not Good Enough

My entire life up until this point, this has been the prevailing thought occupying my mind. Every single task I tried, every outfit I put together, every friend I tried to make, every assignment I did at school, no matter how hard I tried or what I did, it never felt enough, and I always felt like I was failing.

But what causes this? What causes individuals to go through life fighting this pervasive feeling of not being good enough? Where does this come from?

One place is during childhood, and this is where it started for me. I was the rebel child, the one who would fight against every single thing my parents told me, and always feeling as though I could never live up to the standard set by my brother. I remember always referring to him as “the golden child,” and there I was, the ugly duckling, the black sheep, fighting with everything inside of me to be like him, loved like he was, but always failing, and falling deeper into a pit of self-loathing, and unhelpful coping strategies.

Over the years this intense self-hatred and feeling of worthlessness grew; it was a monster inside of me that showed up in everything I did, every thought that entered my mind and every relationship I formed, intimate or professional. This monster had extraordinary strength and power over me, and no matter what I did, it wouldn’t go away. Or so I thought.

I didn’t realize that I was doing the wrong things to change how I felt. I kept trying to do what I believed everyone else wanted me to do; acting, thinking, feeling, and doing what I?thought?would get me love, validation and build my self-worth, but ultimately kept the monster front and center, growing even more in strength and persistence.

The way I finally built the self-worth and “enough-ness” that I was searching for in others was when I started focusing on the things that?I?enjoyed, the things that gave me a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and joy, and stopped searching for the validation of others when I did these things.

It was not easy, the process was long and arduous, but every day I took one more step into myself, into what I liked and wanted, and each time it was easier and easier to stop looking for that praise from others. I still struggle with it occasionally, but the monster has settled, and is not in control anymore. I finally feel enough, and that has made all the difference.

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