I'm a good copywriter... but I can't polish a turd

Looking for a good copywriter?

Allow me to tell you something you don't want to hear.

I can make you look good and sound great... but I can't guarantee you any return on your investment whatsoever, my friends.

Wait, what?

Oh hell YES I'll absolutely nail making you look good and sound great on paper, but on paper is not enough, people! In the real world, solid writing alone is not going to help you achieve success, give you money in the bank, or guarantee you any kind of ROI. In simple terms, if you're not good, or your product or service isn't great, there's not really a lot that a few wowing words on a website can do to change that. You have to be delivering the goods, before you can truly look good. So, if what you've got is a turd, I'm afraid I can't polish it.

This may sound like a massive let down, and indeed the worst pitch ever for someone trying to win clients as a copywriter, but I'm afraid it's true, and I hope that this blog can explain what I mean, just in case you think I'm having some massive crisis of confidence right now in writing off my talents as totally useless.

This realisation that good copy can only go so far hit me as I was searching for a summer holiday online earlier this week. My other half is happy to look at what the website (or brochure) says about a hotel or resort and take it at face value. ("They wouldn't say something if it's not true, would they???") Like most of us, he's instantly wowed by the clever copywriting used by businesses to describe hotels and resorts boasting 'Family Luxe', 'worldwide cuisine', and 'breathtaking views'...

Be honest, though. What's the next thing you immediately do after seeing the hotel/tour operator's description of its own accommodation and facilities? Do you book right away? No, you head straight over to trusty old TripAdvisor to see what it's really like, that's what! We hit the review sites, we enter the forums, and, if possible, we ask the people we trust who've already been there what the place is really like. We do our research before we part with our cash, and it's foolish to think that people don't do the same when they're looking to do business with someone - perhaps you - for the first time.

Within minutes of being on a holiday review website, you can learn that 'breathtaking views' are classed as such because you can't fucking believe you paid all that money to stare out at a building site. 'Worldwide cuisine' usually means that the resort has both a KFC and an Irish bar, and the phrase 'Family Luxe' simply equates to the fact that the place is still overrun with messy, sticky, snotty kids who will skrike their way through your restful break, but albeit you'll probably have slightly softer pillows to scream into at night.

Where am I going with this? Well apart from as far away as possible from Family Luxe in Las Americas...

If your content or copy is bloody brilliant, this will do a lot of things for your business in terms of getting you noticed and getting you leads. But, if potential clients then communicate with you directly and realise that you don't pack the same punch, or they read your reviews (or notice a worrying lack of testimonials) and realise that your product or service doesn't live up to the hype, they're going to walk away, and the whole experience of hiring a great copywriter will have been a waste of your time and money. The best case scenario would be that they buy from you once, but never come back. Added luck would be that they don't then go on to give you an absolute panning on a review site somewhere. On that note, it might be worth looking at last month's blog, actually - Say yes to the testimonials.

It's not my place as a copywriter to judge a client's business, service or product in terms of whether it's any good or not, but the point I'm trying to make is that, whilst the copy I write for you would be nothing short of exquisite, I can only make you look good and sound great if you ARE good and your business IS great. What gets written needs to be proved in real life and hold up alongside all the other features and facets of your business that you're putting out there. So, in summary, I can't take something shit and turn it into something shiny, hence the gloriously disgusting phrase, "I can't polish a turd". My dad always used to say that phrase, usually upon seeing that the moany old bag living next door had been to get her roots done.

If you're working on your copy or content, you need to take this concept on board, no matter how much you winced at the phrasing, because it carries truth. If you're about to throw a lot of money at creating or re-vamping your content, think about if what's produced is a true reflection of who you are, what you do, and how you do it. Similarly, if you're looking for a copywriter and they guarantee that the content they write for you will win you new clients (and I used to bloody peddle that line myself because I believed it), then just remember that they actually cannot (through no fault of their own) hold that claim. They may be able to make you look good and sound great in words, for sure, but in terms of taking you any further than that with your business development... That's on you, not them.

Look at what you do. Listen to what you do. Can it live up to how good I can make everything look and sound? If so, we're in business. If not, it's not a copywriter that you need to invest in at this point.

Oh, and yes, I appreciate that you can indeed 'roll a turd in glitter', admittedly, but I have a two year old child. Glitter is fucking evil.