"I'm from Microsoft...and I'm here to help..."

I recently stumbled onto a copy of an article which was written, when I worked for Microsoft, about a telephone call I received. (It had been posted at https://mfinley.com/articles/dumb.htm , which is no longer online...and, as I remember, it may have been published in newspapers.)

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I had just spent two and a half hours on techsupport to Microsoft in Seattle...

First I tried calling Microsoft's regular tech support, the one that's free with new purchases. But that line was busy for three full days. Finally I decided to opt for the $35 Pay Per Incident help line. I'm glad I did.

A man...came on after the first ring, and he was every techno-torture victim's dream of a helping hand. He was systematic, inexhaustible, and linear as a laser -- all the qualities I lacked. He led me through a series of five solutions to my inability to connect to the Internet, and along the way I learned many things about Windows...

My problem was that every time I dialed, I got a message saying "ESSENTIAL FILE MISSING; REINSTALL DIAL-UP NETWORKING." It never said what the file was...

The workarounds...progressed from simple to more complex. Each time we removed Dial-Up Networking more thoroughly, digging more deeply into the inner goulash of Windows 98. Each time we had to sit through a lengthy reboot, during which we made small talk.

"We can't be in a hurry. We'll solve your problem no matter how long it takes."

My guess is that Microsoft staffs its $35-a-call number (the charge shows up automatically on your long distance bill) more generously than its non-$35 number. Go figure.

Then I asked if he was on drugs, to make him so calm. I suggested that if there was a drug that could do that, Microsoft might be advised to get out of software altogether and just sell that drug, because I'd rather feel like that than the way I felt usually about Microsoft. But no...no drugs were involved. Like, what was he going to say.

I asked him what proportion of problems he could solve from experience, or did Microsoft "protocolize" the process, so he was essentially reading from a script. The former, he told me. "We're like a lab here. Lots of our calls are first-time events. We like to learn about them right away, so we can help the next person with that problem."

Then I said, what do you do when a caller is really dumb? I mean beyond-the-pale dumb, rotting-fencepost dumb. How do you talk that user down?...they tried to work with everyone. If anything, he was a little too diplomatic on this point, because my nostrils started flaring again. I have no control over them.

My theory is that the mega-dumb have problems dialing the 900 number. I didn't.

...a technical note saying that users who delete 1996-era versions of Compuserve's software can cause disruptions to their connecting ability. Guess what: I deleted an old version of Compuserve the day my computer became sullen and incommunicative.

There was an elaborate workaround for this problem. We had to go into Windows Registry -- the place that is so sensitive and so unforgiving that even Microsoft posts warning signs around it -- and start mucking around.

...I had to rename thirty system drivers and delete entire folders. One slip, an L instead of a 1, and my system was creamed beef on toast. He read the instructions to me one character at a time, and I executed them and read them back to him the same way.

It was a harrowing experience....after the next reboot, and Dial Up Networking successfully connected to my ISP...

It was one of those lifeboat-in-the-Pacific situations. We had suffered together, and shared seagull. Now we were rescued, and protocol dictated that I would thank him and hang up, and we would resume to our regularly scheduled programs.

In a better world, it would have been Miller Time.