I’m a Fraud

I read somewhere that in the 17th century the life expectancy was 35, so had I lived in that period, I’d probably be dead by now and had I survived I would probably be considered old and wise. Yet, at this present moment I sometimes feel that when people ask me serious questions, I sometimes want to reply, “how the heck should I know, I’m just a kid”. Logically speaking I know I’m not a kid, I’m thirty-freaking-five. I have wrinkles, pay bills, live with my partner, own a business, a car, and a dog, yet I couldn’t help but feel I was a child who had no idea what I was talking about half the time. This feeling has been magnified even more, ever since I started publishing articles for the world to see. I feel that people look to me for advice and that I must have all the answers to their problems. I sense that if I don't have something profound to say, they are disappointed. This worries me. At times I question myself and even think - Am I a fraud?

I was recently asked to be a guest speaker on ABC Radio National. A producer found one of my LinkedIn articles and wanted to interview me. My first thought was “me? Are you sure? I don’t think I’m qualified to do something like that”. I mean why would anyone take my advice or want to know more about me? What on earth would I know?

I then stopped and had a really big think about things. Why was I being so hard on myself? I mean, not only do I have a Bachelor’s degree majoring in Politics, Philosophy, and Gender Studies, but I also have a Master’s degree in Human Resources and Industrial Relations. I am a qualified trainer and business coach. I have worked in the corporate world and also owned 2 separate businesses in 2 very different industries. I have traveled the world and went from being an unhealthy and unhappy person to a healthy and happy one. I’ve also had hundreds of people reach out and tell me they love my writing and my articles. I’m not as clueless as I believe – so what’s going on here? Why couldn’t I shake the feeling that I didn’t deserve people’s praise or at the very least, their attention?

I then got to talking to friends of mine, and they felt the same way too. I did some research and found there is an actual term for this feeling, it is called “Impostor Syndrome”. A quick google search found it can be defined as a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Wow, I can finally put a name to the way I was feeling. This was an actual thing! In fact, when I did more research, I found that a tonne of really successful and famous people also felt this way. People such as Serena Williams, Lady Gaga, Tom Hanks and even Albert Einstein. Gosh, if someone like Einstein felt like this, what hope in hell do I have?

Okay, so now I know what this is and that it is quite common, what can I do about it? I know to have these thoughts are going to be a hindrance and I need to address it now before it gets in the way of me progressing further in my life. I didn't want to shy away from opportunities just because I had this false idea that I didn't deserve them. I have to stop and really think about why I felt this way. I started thinking about my life and my upbringing in particular. Perhaps this could shed some light.

Growing up, I always felt that I had to conform to a particular way of thinking. Instead of celebrating my differences, I felt that I was an outcast. I wasn't interested in the same things as my peers around me and I just didn't fit in. For a while, I altered myself to fit in and realised that it made me really unhappy. It wasn’t until I started to embrace my uniqueness that I truly felt comfortable with who I was. Perhaps it was the years of rejecting my true self which had caused me to feel this way.

When I went to university, I thought I didn't belong. I would imagine my lecturer would realise that I was stupid and I would kick me out. When I would do well on my assessments, I would think that the marker accidentally gave me a high mark and was suppose to fail me instead. I would wait for the mistake to come to light, although it never did. Whenever I have started a new job, I always feel that I am going to be fired because I am not capable, yet this has never been the case at all.

Look, I could sit here and analyse until I go mad. Truth is, who knows why I feel like a fraud. It doesn't even matter. All that matters is that I am aware of it now. I realise that these are just thought patterns that aren't necessarily true or real. I also need to recognise that I have the power to replace negative or unhelpful thoughts. I don't need to be so hard on myself either. I’m never going to have all the answers, no one ever does and that is okay. My imperfections make me who I am. I'm not perfect, but that doesn't make me a fraud either.

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