"I'm a Fraud!"

Bill leans close to me to say something private. We’re standing and chatting at a 60th b-day party in a sunny backyard in Del Mar, and we’re talking about our college kids and parenting. I mention my parenting has been influenced by my work as an executive coach. He looks at me for a long second, and then leans in and says quietly, "Honestly Eric, I don't know how I got to be in my role." And he adds, "Oh, I bet you hear about imposter syndrome all the time."?

As a matter of fact, I do!

Statistically, women, minorities and other disenfranchised individuals feel this more commonly. After all, they’ve been socialized to exist at the base of the power hierarchy for a very long time. But like Bill, I’ve had bouts of?imposteritis, as have countless men that talk with me about it.?

It’s completely normal to feel uncertain about ourselves: moments of self-doubt; anxiety when starting a new role; nervous energy when pushing beyond the comfort zone. Bill has worked for the same brand-named restaurant chain for seventeen years, and now he’s the CFO of a $200MM business. And still, in his private thoughts, he feels like a fraud.

Imposter syndrome is NOT a diagnosable disorder! It’s a phenomenon that afflicts high achievers who believe themselves to be less intelligent or less competent than others perceive them to be.

Any of us that feel like a fraud, an imposter, cycles through several attributes of this phenomenon:

• Fear that you’re going to be found out: “I’m faking it over here, and somebody is going to wise up to the fact that I don’t deserve this role.”
• Inability to internalize your accomplishments: “That person is lying.” “She’s trying to butter me up for a favor.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• Persistent convinction that you don’t deserve your successes despite external evidence: “Sure, I’m the CFO, but I just backed into this job.” “I got this promotion because all the qualified folks didn’t want it.” “I’m here because I’m the last man standing.”
• Attributing your success to external factors: "Thank God for my good luck!” “I’m glad they had to fill their quota for women leaders.”
• Believing that people have an inflated perception of your abilities: "If our board really knew how much I depend on my team, they’d be really nervous.”

?“So,” Bill says to me, “got any tips for my situation?” Oh, free coaching on the lawn, eh? No sweat. This is what I suggested:

• Abandon perfectionism – there’s no perfection, there’s perennial evolution. If being perfect is your goal, you’ll always feel like a fraud – not good enough. If, however, you commit to evolution, then every version of you is legit in that moment.?
• Categorical friendliness – whenever your inner critic chimes in with judgement, follow up with friendliness to yourself. Treat yourself with the same kindness, care, and support you’d give a good friend. Give yourself advice and perspective, and supportive love.
• First things first – clarify your values – respect, passion, optimism, etc. – and prioritize the non-negotiable ones. This way, in addition to evaluating yourself compared to others, you can determine if you’re living up to your own values. Gaging yourself by how you do not just what you do is powerful medicine.
• Get perspective – find a really competent mentor or coach who can help you unpack your thinking, encourage you, and support your continuous evolution. Talking with a safe and skilled ally goes a long way to healthy self-adjustment.

?Lastly, and this is important, it's totally normal to have imposter syndrome AND still be empowered. They’re not mutually exclusive.

And obviously, if you want to dive deeper into this with some deft executive coaching, you know where to find me.