I'M (not) FINE

I had a conversation with a friend recently, where we uncovered that both of us had been in some emotional distress - and felt alone as we worked through our respective issues privately. It struck me as ironic that two good friends who work in the field of leadership development and executive coaching chose to suffer in silence, rather than reach out for support.?

No matter what field we work in, we’re not immune from the trap of worrying about our image or being perceived as weak when dealing with something difficult. It’s also true that leaning on others for support can get us through challenges faster and build more inner confidence in the process.?

Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability found that it’s our most accurate measurement of courage. So why do we respect it in others - but find it shameful within ourselves? In my experience, we often don’t know how to reach out without sounding clingy, desperate or sad. Or, as my friend noted in our conversation, we might have a habit of retreating from others when feeling especially bad. We also may not know precisely what we need - or how to ask for help. And therein lies the trap: I can’t ask for help unless I know exactly how to present my issue as if it’s already solved. I’m not allowed to be messy or imperfect or without answers. It’s BS and it’s holding us back.?

Here are some practical tips I’ve been exploring with clients and working with in my own life:

1. Let go of perfection. You deserve support - even when things didn’t go right, even if the mistake was yours. You can ask for help even when (and especially because) you made a mess of things and you’re not sure how to clean it up.
2. Choose someone you trust. Think of people who have shown you kindness, empathy and support in the past and consider reaching out to the person who you believe will understand you and the situation you’ve found yourself in.?
3. Provide context, if possible. It’s helpful to clarify what type of help you’re seeking or to share why you're reaching out. Did something happen that's troubling or confusing? Are you looking for advice, someone to process with or practical assistance?
4. Consider using code to make the ask. It can be easier to ask for help when you don’t have to actually use words like, “I need your help.” My friend and I came up with a phrase to text each other if/when we’re in a dark place and need the light of a friend. Simon Sinek spelled it out this way (only 60 second video - and worthy of your time!).
5. Seek professional support when needed. Sometimes even if friends or family are available, you’ll get more value from reaching out to a coach, therapist or support group. They won’t have skin in your game and it might feel better to talk with someone outside of the situation that’s troubling you.

Bottom line, we suffer less when we connect more. If you find it difficult to ask, here are some opening statements that can help you bridge to the support you need:

• “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and I think talking about it may help. Do you have 30 minutes to chat?”
• “I don’t usually ask for help, but I’m feeling stuck and I thought you might be able to help me see things differently.”
• “You’ve always been someone I trust and I could really use some support right now.”
• “I’m not sure how to handle something - could I get your perspective on it?”
• “Your advice always helps me feel better. - can I ask for your thoughts on something?”
• “I’ve been dealing with a challenge lately and thought you might be the right person to talk to about it. Do you you have some time this week?”
• “I’m drowning in my own thoughts over here. Want to throw me a life raft and help me by talking it out?”

Our need for connection runs deep - and you deserve the benefits of experiencing relationships that support you and that foster a sense of unity and mutual understanding. Don’t suffer alone. You're not weak or deficient or abnormal for suffering or struggling. It's part of the human condition.

If asking for support feels awkward and clunky, GOOD! That means you are out of your comfort zone, changing patterns and creating the opportunity for deeper, authentic connections with others.

I'm here if you want to talk.