I'M FAMOUS. NOW, THE REST OF YOU SOD OFF.

Everyone is very fancy on Linkedin. I was very jealous of all the cool titles and fancy jobs and influencers and disrupters and thought leaders and stakeholders, and chief and worldwide this and thats and creative directors, and officers, etc. Now, I'm above all of you but will remain one of you as I have no ego. Forget the title of this piece, I will try and hide my disdain.

I played baseball at a JC in Florida. I transferred to a 4 yr school & my coach wrote to that school's baseball coach. I attended summer workouts & was invited back for fall. I got (Mono) & couldn't play for 8 weeks & decided not to pursue it.

I recently received a letter asking me to join 300 of the university's former athletes, in a special part of the alumni club. They remembered me. I guess I was as spectacular as I thought. I also thought, unlike you, I'm a revered member of a dynamic school's athletic history. I was & remain a superstar. Gatorade and Nike will be calling thought I. NOTE: I graciously attached my school ID photo, I'llcyber sign it for a small fee. For a large fee, I'll appear at your kid's over-indulgent, event and or party. I called ESPN immediately and pre-accepted their not yet conceived of offer of, an offer for a Sports Center seat and a hysterical & innovative partnership with Scott Van Pelt, an ex-athlete from my school. I texted my great and lifelong friend, (an ex-All American basketball player from the same university) to let him know that he's been eclipsed & could immediately begin walking in my shadow and being an all-time rebounding leader isn't as cool as being one of 300 special gladiators, ha, take that. I really didn't write that, I forgot and wound up asking why our present basketball team has been so bad. He hasn't called yet as he's probably out being successful somewhere, I mean how competitive can one be.

I texted my friends and family and told them to go to Hell. After concluding that necessary exercise, I practiced spending my, soon to be enormous wealth, and practiced being a guest on the late-night shows that star someone named Jimmy. I wondered what campus building would be named for me and had to decide what kind of scandal I could be involved in that would to outrage America and leave room for forgiveness. I forgot about the scandal route fast because America is chronically outraged, the scandal would find me.

After days of preparation, I called the university athletic department and told them I'd help them out at the Final 4. I let them know I didn't need floor seats. I'm a cool celebrity, regular people, like you, will admire me. The AD's office was great and told me that after paying alumni dues and a $10,000.00 contribution to the athletic department I would be invited to buy seats to a play in a game. That seems to be reasonable.

Please go to my fundraiser. Thanks.