If I'm expected to lead like a man, I'll fail.

Back at Microsoft, when contemplating interviewing for a lead role, one of my mentors who had always supported and encouraged me, said, “That’ll be tough for you.”

I was caught off guard. His words came with a serious look, trying to convey he knew something I didn’t know. I wondered, “Are you just being a jerk today or do you really think that?”  He was more senior and I trusted his opinion, so I lost confidence and didn't pursue the role. 

Perhaps his knowing look was referring to the fact that I hated fighting with people to get my point across. “It sucks my soul,” and “Life’s too short,” were phrases I’d often use when I didn’t want to battle someone with words.

On two occasions I walked out of conference rooms when I witnessed the conversation getting too heated. I’m the only person I know who’s done this. It’s not something to brag about because it conveys weakness in a dog-eat-dog world. But people’s words and tone can get my blood boiling and I know I’d much rather leave the situation than have the rest of my day effected by it.

My best managers, ones I stayed with for years and who I did my best work for were authoritative and forceful so I didn’t have to be. I let them carve a path and keep others away so I could simply get my work done.

Yet being aggressive was rooted in the Microsoft culture and my mentor and I both knew it.

How could I lead in this environment if I preferred “Flight” vs. “Fight"? How could I get my own employees to follow if they were fighters and I became their target? Would I go toe-to-toe?

In essence, could I lead like a man? 

The women leaders at Microsoft are tough. They hold their ground and it's not easy. A close friend battled her superiors, and I always worried about her. It seemed like an unnatural thing for her to do, yet she loved her job and team so, "It was worth it". She was eventually let go in a rather traumatic fashion, a time when more than one of my senior female friends were let go.

I know one women who was often “bullied” while trying to get her point across. Bully was not the word she used, it was the word he used when he apologized years later. I’m sure she had really low days, but she too loved her team and she had an important job. She stayed for years until she left. 

This post isn’t an attempt to smear Microsoft for how they handle strong female leaders, it’s an attempt to understand what’s happening to my friends and to myself for that matter. I have different conclusions every year as I mature and see the world differently. My brain in 2016 believes that women and men naturally communicate and lead differently and the research supports it.

According to the article, “Do Men and Women Lead Differently?” by Kenneth M. Nowack, Ph.D. "On average female leaders are more participative, collaborative, transformational and democratic and use less transactional, authoritative and 'command-control' styles.”   

So in a field that skews heavily male, the leadership style is more foreign to women - who must be more aggressive than normal to adapt. 

Women leaders are at a disadvantage, yet many succeed.

What would happen to these women if men were removed from the equation, would their leadership style change?

I believe so.

My most memorable data-point supporting this came years ago at Microsoft. After a meeting with two strong female leads, I shook my head feeling like I was just teleported to another planet. Both of them were at odds on an issue and I was there to help work through it. In the meeting, I expected they would each state their case forcefully as I’d already heard them do when neither was present. Yet when they were sitting face-to-face with no strong men around, the aura was different.  

Instead of getting right to the point, they asked what the other person wanted and tried to listen respectfully. They didn’t say what was on their mind because doing so meant they were telling the other woman she was wrong - and it's hard to collaborate with someone who just knocked you down.

I think they were trying to operate differently in a female-only environment. One that neither of them had much experience, given both their careers were rooted in tech. If I'm honest, it was like watching a middle school dance, they seemed awkward in their own skin, neither of them wanted to make the first move.

In this 30 minute meeting I was watching the clock tick away wondering, “What the heck is going on?! Why don’t you just tell each other what you told me?" 30 minutes didn’t give them enough time to talk it out in their own way. More collaborative, less authoritative. A way that seemed strangely natural and foreign at the same time. 

My leadership style is developing just as fast as my new career now that I have room to breath outside of Microsoft and I can see a lot of my past female managers in me. Collaborative, trusting, and genuinely wanting to grow and stretch people. Outside of Microsoft I’m guided by following my gut instead of trying to adhere to a script of how it should be done or trying to match other styles, and it’s fascinating to see it unfold.

Under past female bosses I felt their quiet confidence. They didn’t want the spotlight, in fact it was the opposite, they shied away and propped up others into it. They led by empowering powerful people and staying out of their way. They had huge hearts and that made me want to work hard for them, to help them succeed because they wanted me to succeed. A virtuous cycle. 

They always asked what I thought before telling me what I should think. All of these role models have left my former company except for one who appears to be killing it. She’s a warrior.

I'm realizing my mentor was right, if leading like a man was required for my success, “That’d be tough for me.” 

After writing my article, “It’s been 18 months since leaving Microsoft” I’ve had so many people write to me. It’s been overwhelming and unexpected and I’m extremely grateful for all the kind words. A handful of those who reached out are women - currently at Microsoft and who’ve already left - and we’ve grabbed coffee to talk about our experiences. The experiences are similar. “My manager just didn’t like me”, “I left because I wasn’t getting promoted”, “I got yelled at for nothing”, “I don’t know if I should stay." 

These are really talented women.  They aren’t reaching out in anger, they are looking to connect, to know that they aren’t alone. The angst they feel about questioning whether they can stay or the disappointment over not staying is similar. I’m becoming more and more convinced that women don’t leave because they want to, they leave because they have to.

Our soul will only let us stay in an unnatural environment so long before it makes us move on. 

Thinking back to that awkward meeting of two women leaders I wonder, what if women in tech were given the breathing room to communicate differently, to collaborate more, to talk-it-out instead of combat-it-out, to lead by empowering instead of by force? What would the tech world be like? What would the world be like?

#WomenInTech #Microsoft #Leadership

Jessica Jobes is Founder of OnTheGrid a Seattle Marketing Agency.