I'm Not Alone and Neither Are You

This is the scariest thing I’ve done in my entire life. Even as I prepare to click the publish button on this article, my hand is shaking, I have a pit in my stomach, my heart is pounding, and I’m not sure that I can do it. I’ve spent months going round and round in my head, debating whether or not to do this and talked myself out of it so many times. In the end, after consultations with both my partner and a few close friends, I’m doing it.

Here goes.  

For more than three decades I have suffered from (among other things) a severe form of Anxiety Disorder. It’s something that I’ve dealt with and been treated for since I was a teenager, and it has had a profound effect on my life, my relationships, and my career. It’s also something that I’ve kept a relative secret, especially at work. I’ve always been terrified of being judged or treated differently or worse, losing my job. Instead of talking about it or divulging my illness, I hid it, but it was always there.

• I’ve sat in my car in my office parking lot and cried, many times.
• I’ve gone into the bathroom at work to hide an attack, many times.
• I’ve been in the middle of big meetings and had debilitating panic attacks.
• I’ve sat at my desk, paralyzed by my thoughts and feelings.
• I’ve missed meetings or called in sick because of an attack or episode.

And yet, even as I suffered, I still pushed forward. I worked hard, I helped others, I got results, and I moved up in my career.

It’s only recently that I’ve started to open up about it, partly because I wanted to be more honest with myself, partly because I work in a place that is so accepting, and partly because I realized I can’t be a mental health advocate and not lead by example.

When I did finally start talking about it, something amazing happened. The more I opened up, the more I heard stories from people who suffered from the exact same thing, and like me, had been doing so in silence, sometimes for years.

Finally, after hearing so many stories and realizing how many other people felt as alone and afraid as I did, I decided to do something more. In November of 2018, I started a podcast called Looking for Spoons and began sharing my experiences and coping mechanisms with an open audience. Until this article, it was the scariest thing I had done to date.

I’m sharing this and my podcast here and now because I want people who suffer from an anxiety disorder (or any other mental illness) to know that you are not alone, even at work. I want you to know that you can have a successful career and be happy. I want you to know you are still a person who deserves love and praise and support.

I want people who don’t suffer from it to know that you probably have a friend, family member, or coworker who suffers in silence. I want companies to know, that with minimal accommodation and understanding, we can the best employees you’ve ever had. I want the world to know that we are doctors and lawyers and executives. We are landscapers and musicians and graphic designers. We are teenagers, and just starting our careers, and middle-aged, and senior citizens. All of us are important and all of us matter.

If you want to learn more, you can find the podcast on iTunes, Spotify, or almost anywhere you normally access podcasts. Just search for Looking for Spoons. You can also visit www.lookingforspoonspodcast.com.  

So there it is. I probably won’t breathe for the next few days, but at least it’s over and I’m still alive.