The Illusion of Selflessness: What We Get Wrong About Giving

This one thing about selfless service has always confused me. Growing up, I often heard that being truly selfless meant putting others before myself—almost as if the self had to disappear entirely in the act of giving. But something about that never sat right with me. If we disconnect from ourselves in the process of serving others, are we really serving at all?

For a long time, I wrestled with this contradiction. I saw people who were praised for their selflessness, yet they seemed exhausted, disconnected, and sometimes even resentful. Was this really the ideal? It made me wonder: "True selflessness isn’t about losing the self, but about losing the ego."

But losing the ego doesn’t mean diminishing the self—it means dissolving the sense of separateness between ourselves and others. It doesn’t mean we sacrifice our needs; rather, it means we no longer see a rigid boundary between where we end and where others begin. We act not from obligation, guilt, or the need for validation, but from a natural flow of interconnectedness, "Service is not a sacrifice—it is an expression of unity."

This is where the common idea of "filling your own cup first" falls short. That metaphor assumes that the self and others are distinct entities, that we must tend to our own needs in order to have something left for others. But in reality, there is no strict division—our well-being and the well-being of others are inherently intertwined. The problem is that most people assume when they do things for themselves, they are serving only themselves, and when they do things for others, they are serving only others. They don’t see the synergy, the connection.

"A river does not stop to 'fill itself first' before nourishing the land; it moves continuously, sustained by a larger source." This metaphor better illustrates how true service, when done from a place of deep connection, does not deplete us because we are not giving away something finite—we are participating in an endless flow.

I realized this through my own experiences. I have always believed in being kind to others, but over time, I recognized that kindness to others does not have to come at the cost of being unkind to myself or ignoring my inner voice. I once thought selflessness meant putting aside my own feelings entirely, but I started to see that true kindness—whether to myself or others—was not about suppression or sacrifice, but about deep, authentic connection. When I listened to myself and honored my own needs, I was able to give more meaningfully, without depletion or resentment.

This reframing led me to an important realization: Connection with others is only as meaningful as our connection with ourselves—not in a transactional way, but in a way that recognizes that we are not "giving away" something that is ours alone. Instead, we are participating in a shared experience of existence, where the act of serving is not a depletion, but an expansion. When we serve from this place, we recognize that in doing good for others, we are simultaneously doing good for ourselves—not as a secondary benefit, but as part of the same act.

This idea is not new, but it is often misunderstood. Many traditions, from Eastern philosophy to modern psychology, emphasize that deep service is not about martyrdom—it is about transcendence. The Buddhist concept of Anatta (no-self) does not mean one ceases to exist, but rather that the illusion of separation dissolves. Similarly, psychological research highlights that true generosity and compassion stem from a well-integrated sense of self, not from self-neglect or mere self-preservation.

So what does this mean in practice? It means questioning the narratives we’ve inherited about what it means to be selfless. It means ensuring that our acts of giving come from a place of genuine connection rather than obligation. And most importantly, it means recognizing that "Selflessness does not mean disappearing—it means recognizing that we were never separate to begin with."

I would love to hear your thoughts. How do you understand the relationship between self, service, and connection? Have you ever struggled with the idea of selflessness in your own life?