The Illusion of Control: Lessons from a Rainy Birthday Party

As a leadership trainer and executive coach, I am constantly looking at what happens in life through the lenses of emotional intelligence and mindfulness. These tools are critical in managing our reactions to life’s unpredictability and navigating the need many of us feel to control outcomes. We often believe we know what should happen, and we hold tight to ideas of right and wrong, good and bad. But the truth is, we rarely have the altitude to see the bigger picture.

A recent personal experience reminded me of this in the most unexpected way. Last weekend, we were preparing to celebrate my husband’s birthday with an outdoor celebration. The initial weather forecast promised clear skies, but as the week progressed, rain became increasingly likely. I found myself obsessively checking the weather, hoping it would change. I was irritated at the thought of rain ruining the event, and I spent more time than I’d like to admit, mentally willing the clouds away.

Despite all my wishful thinking, the rain came. In response, we bought outdoor tents to keep our guests dry, and the party went on under a steady drizzle. And you know what? It was still a great time. The rain didn’t ruin anything.

But the real lesson came the following day. My husband, who had gone to put the newly purchased tents in our crawl space, discovered a small water leak in the basement. We called a plumber, who came to fix it. While there, he heard the faint sound of additional drops. As he investigated further, he found another issue—this one much more serious. Our oil tank had a leak, which had been slowly filling a tray underneath it. That tray was nearly at capacity, close to overflowing into the basement. Because we caught it in time, we were able to get professionals in to remediate the situation before any major damage occurred.

Here’s the thing: If it hadn’t rained, we wouldn’t have bought the tents, my husband wouldn’t have gone into the basement to store them, we wouldn’t have found the water leak, we wouldn’t have called the plumber, who wouldn’t have discovered the oil leak until it was far too late.

The rain, which I had so badly wanted to avoid, set off a chain of events that likely saved us from a much bigger disaster.

This experience was a humbling reminder that we don’t always know what is best or how things should unfold. We spend so much energy trying to control circumstances, when in reality, life often has its own way of working out—even if it’s not according to our plans.

As leaders, professionals, and human beings, embracing this understanding can reduce our stress and frustration. Letting go of the need to control doesn’t mean giving up responsibility or ambition—it means accepting that sometimes, what feels like a setback or inconvenience is a necessary part of a bigger, better outcome.

The next time you find yourself resisting the rain, remember that there’s a possibility that it’s exactly what you need, even if you can’t see it yet.

Be well, be now.

Warmly,

Barbara