The illusion of communication

The great playwright, George Bernard Shaw, is quoted as having said: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” I have found this true in my own experience. I often relate the difficulties in communication to the complexity of individual human experience, education, and attitude.

For example, I can write some software and tell a program to move a piece of data from one place to another, and it will do it endlessly and tirelessly in the same way and same manner each time. However, if I tell my child to move his or her dirty clothes to the laundry, I may not get the same results every time. In fact, they may not move them at all!

One of the maxims I grew up with from my dad was: “That it isn’t always what you say but how you say it”. We have to understand how we communicate and be more intentional and self-aware. We also need to consider the receiver, the person on the other end of our verbal or written communication.

According to Toastmasters International, there are four distinct communication styles. Those include Analytical, Direct, Supportive, and Initiating.

The Analytical communication style is exact, precise, and — as Mr. Spock from Star Trek would like — highly logical. People who tend toward this communication style are focused on tasks and processes. They want to get see things done right, at least in their mind.

The second communication style is Direct. This communication style is as it indicates – to the point, direct. It is also exemplified in someone who is decisive, may be competitive, and has a strong independent streak. This style is used by someone who is focused on the goal and getting results, maybe a drill sergeant.

The next communication style is Supportive. A Supportive communication style is reflected when the communicator is calm, steady, approachable, and gentle. I like to think of this as someone like a loving parent, such as a mother. They are careful, patient, and open.

The final communication style is Initiating. These are your friendly extraverts who are social, energetic, and spontaneous. They are butterflies or fun-loving otters. They often talk more than they listen but can be persuasive and come up with innovative ideas.

When I assessed my own communication style, I found that I weighted heavily toward Analytical but close behind was Direct. So, I see myself as “Directly Analytical”. I like being precise, organized, and disciplined in my own life. I enjoy structure, but at times, I do find it boring. In my professional life, I tend to be conscientious and diplomatic. I am also very results-oriented and motivated to get things done quickly and decisively.

Yet, this communication style doesn’t always work for me. At home and sometimes at work, I am perceived as a perfectionist and someone who has high expectations of others. What’s also true is that I get bored with details – I would rather just ask someone to do what I ask and not overwhelm me with the minutiae.

What is true is that effective communication has to consider the listener, the receiver on the other end. It also has to consider the situation at hand, in the moment. In his popular book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey says that we should seek first to understand, then to be understood.” As he discusses, we don’t always listen to understand the person who is talking or communicating with us. Instead, we are listening to formulate a response. How can we stop this and actually hear and understand the other person?

In her podcast, Before Breakfast, popular author Laura Vanderkam provides some advice. Instead of hearing the other person and immediately thinking about an experience or situation that can match or “one-up” the other person, you can say three little words. Those are: “Tell me more”.

This means stepping away from the automatic response that our brains formulate, becoming skilled at listening by simply responding with “tell me more” or another phrase like “tell me how you solved that problem”. This strengthens the relationship, builds rapport, and promotes trust. I plan to use this advice and this phrase in my own life.

In essence, how we communicate is how we build relationships at home and at work. I would encourage you to assess your own communication style and determine if you are Analytical, Direct, Supportive, or Initiating. If you are Analytical with a high degree of Direct – like me – look into how others may be perceiving you and take some time to temper that with supportive listening. Ask questions to encourage others to tell you more and become a skilled listener and better communicator.

As Teddy Roosevelt once said: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”.