Illness to Wellbeing.. An Experiential Journey

ILLNESS TO WELLBEING... AN EXPERIENTIAL JOURNEY

In October. I was on a threshold... I couldn’t see clearly for a week.. In fact I remember a day when I found myself crying silently because I couldn’t see the words in my whatsapp messages or the book on Eurythmy I was researching for the CMTAI presentation. I would dread the night time because the moment sun sets, my vision clarity and sharpness would blur and I found it difficult. I even bought magnifying glasses to aid my sight and my son found it funny too. It was too sudden for me to realize what’s really happening. 

I panicked and consulted an ophthalmologist. After rounds of tests and scan and angiography (never knew there’s one for the eye), I discovered that this was caused due to a membrane pressing on the retina and some fluid accumulation in both my eyes over a period of 1.5 years. The source is accumulated stress, the doctor said. .. He said “some bit of my retina has been damaged and we need to save the rest for the future. This condition is too early for me to contract”.

I was shaken... Last 2 years of my life has been a stressful period in my inner life, knew. I theoretically knew that the stress would seep into my whole being and affect my body, but that wasn’t my reality, until now. Loads of grief, confusion characterized my life like any other human being and thankfully, I have been in therapy and in conversation with many wonderful souls who have led through self-care journeys. And yet, it had its way to show up in my body!  

It felt like an awakening..

I WOKE UP. 

“I can’t be doing what I have been doing to make a change in my condition, something needs to change, I don’t know what! “, I told myself! 

Being tuned to first checking within, I turned inwards to inquire. I started asking myself loads of questions:

- What is it that I am not seeing in life? 

- What am I acting blind to? 

- What masks am I unwilling to peel and what’s the underlying emotion behind it 

- How have I compromised on my wellbeing to lead myself to this condition? 

- What does wellbeing even mean to me?

- What residues am I carrying, about whom and about what?

- What truth have I not spoken with myself that my eye needed to be impaired? 

- What changes do I need to bring about to walk authentically on the path of wellbeing? 

- What am I hold on too tightly and not letting go off?

Should these answers appear all so clearly, life would have been simple :)

At first, I just drew, wrote and moved. The pain and the suffering I was going through was intense, but I knew I was being in it. I had also signed up for a course which was going to introduce me to be in my body even more intensely than before and that seemed like a perfect timing.

I have been living in an intense inquiry mode since October 2019.

I REALLY WANTED TO HEAL!

While this was happening, I experienced so much synchronicity outside.

My neighbor uncle, who is an 80 years plus, offered me support in his whole health clinic where he put together a team of doctors - allopath, homeopath, naturopath, Ayurveda doctor to study my whole being, my condition – physical, emotional, thought patterns, past everything and created a wellbeing strategy. I was the master of the strategy and the key executor :) Sounds high fi but it was profound experience going through that in October.  AND I SUBMITTED MYSELF TO THE PROCESS...

I REALLY WANTED TO HEAL!

I underwent a laser in my right eye and then started the period of recovery to see if the fluids can be kept away from the retina... in that period, I took care of my rhythms, sleep, and work schedule. I SLOWED DOWN.

I delegated Utsava work to my team and sought help from others. I was aware of my limitations and was extremely mindful. I kept practicing a few exercises in Eurythmy which would lead me to my own healing.

I REALLY WANTED TO HEAL!

In the midst of this, October to December was scheduled with major life events - presentation of Eurythmy at CMTAI International Dance Therapy Conference, Poorna Wellbeing Utsava in Dec, Eurythmy module with loads of assignments to be presented and a spiritual retreat I had signed up for... 

I really couldn’t and didn’t want to drop any of the above and only tried to work around the same to make them happen. I wasn’t totally stress free but not fully loaded either J .

 I struggled with my physical eye but my inner vision was seeming to be on a recovery mode. With the homeopath, ophthalmologist, help from various people who supported me in all my projects and endeavours unconditionally and with my intention rock solid that I am healing, I was functioning in the world with consciousness, and my spirit of service I was very productive .. 

Did I not have worries or doubts about my eye healing? Yes, I did have! There would be times, when I would sulk and lose hope but Resilience is when the period to bounce back is quicker than the previous time I sulked. I was faring well there J

The Poorna Wellbeing Utsava

As a Festival Director, I had administrative responsibilities in addition to being the overall in charge. I affirmed to myself, a Wellbeing festival is to be executed with full wellbeing within myself and I was true to it. There were untoward incidences, however I could maintain my equanimity.

The 8th of December, when Poorna Wellbeing Utsava concluded, was a life changing day. I do not know why I felt so, but I had sensed that I was on the path of healing and recovery. Externally nothing had changed...  

The 9th to 15th December was the inward going week when I thoroughly reviewed 2019 and clearly set my intentions for 2020... I was getting ready for the desired future, which was an image but not yet manifested in words. 

The review week was such an experience of Consciousness... I could see why certain events occurred in my life and many puzzles were solved.

I WAS HEALING!

From the 16th - 23rd December. I was attending my Eurythmy module in Bangalore, which was a soul massaging experience for my inner and a course correction experience for the TO-BE EURYTHMIST IN ME. I was in the module with razor sharp focus and engaging without pressure. The venue, Fireflies was so soothing.

I WAS HEALING!

From the 23rd - 30th December, I was in a spiritual retreat in Tiruchuli offering Eurythmy lessons to the adult campers and receiving life's lessons through the other classes that were a part of the camp program. This was a choice I made from my intuition, with the feeling that this would be an integrative experience. Nothing but myself mattered to me these days. Each day felt like a year, I lived it thoroughly and being in the present moment, engaging with everything within and in the ashram with reverence, joy and beauty. I truly felt beautiful inside and outside. I danced, sang, chanted, meditated, facilitated, listened, spoke, moved and experienced bliss!

I HEALED INTENSELY HERE!

On the 30th & 31st December, I was on temple visit spree in Madurai deeply nourished by meeting the lord outside and the divinity inside which almost felt like a mirror image to me... I was bidding farewell to 2019 so spiritually and inviting the New Year so authentically... I visited friends home’s and allowed myself to be in the moment.

I EXPERIENCED FREEDOM!

On the 3rd of January... the most joyous day... Visited the ophthalmologist for my scan and he said my right eye was healing well due to the laser. He continued to say that MY LEFT EYE WAS AUTOMATICALLY HEALING AND I DIDNT NEED ANY PROCEDURE. He asked me what I did in the last 3 weeks that I could cause this! J

My God, I was overwhelmed with joy. At the camp, I told my friends and family, I can see I am getting better.  I am able to see clearly... But I never imagined both my right and left eye would heal like this... 

I HAD HEALED MYSELF!

Doctor said, He could do only 20%, rest is IN PATIENTS HANDS. He’s right... 

From the threshold of I CANT SEE CLEARLY, now I SEE MYSELF, MY VISION, MY PURPOSE, MY PURSUITS AND MY INNER BEING very clear. 

From FINDING JOY JUST IN DOING, now I see the BALANCE OF BEING AND DOING clearly. 

From BEING DEPENDENT ON THE OTHER, now I am RELIANT ON MY INNER 

I see a completion of yet another level of my journey and the metamorphosis therefrom.

 The new BEING IN ME is born. 

The PHOENIX is flying high.

So much is awaiting to come through my BEING that I am curious too. 

I am in awe and reverence...

I feel gratitude to all my spiritual guides, Almighty and human beings who have been on my journey. My journey ends when I depart this world!  Then my obituary would read “She lived to make a difference to human lives” J

I celebrated my happiness with myself! I ordered three scoops of ice-cream in a nearby Naturals ice-cream parlour.  

MY REFLECTIONS 

 - I HAVE THE POWER IN ME TO HEAL MYSELF... 

- I AM A SPIRITUAL BEING, DEEPLY ENGAGED WITH LIFE AND HAVE THE CAPACITY TO MAKE CHOICES IN LIFE 

- I went through an intense inner inquiry and cleansing to clear the inner and outer 

- I was intensely seeking to clarify and manifest my life's purpose even in midst of a personal crisis

- I make choices on whom to engage with and how to stay in high vibrations frequency 

- I have started taking life lightly and discovering the unique plan and hidden intelligence 

- Surrender has been a blessing 

- I met myself in deep silence and reflection for long hours each day

- I listened to the signals my body were offering, sensed and engaged with it 

- The power of journaling minutely on the outer happening and inner reactions and being a self-researcher was rewarding

 Thanks to MY SELF!

Deepa Mahesh

Founder – Poorna Wellbeing | Integral Wellbeing Coach