'I'll be ok when..' syndrome

The most common word that people would use to describe me is 'driven.'

I’ve always been someone who is very goal orientated.

Someone who loves setting myself ambitious challenges and then going ahead and making them happen.

I don’t let anything get in the way.

Despite the compliments that I received from others about this gift, I never thought anything of it. To me, it was second nature.

The dark side of my gifts

As with most gifts we have, there is a dark side.

And the dark side of my relentless pursuit of ‘success’ was an internal void I was desperately trying to fill.

When I was in high school, I tried to fill that void by wearing expensive and outlandish clothes.

It felt good for a while, but soon it wore off.

When the void was still there, I resorted to cigarettes hoping that would do the trick…but it didn’t.

I thought things changed for the better after one of my friends died unexpectedly. I realised life was too short and started taking my health and habits more seriously.

I quit smoking and replaced the habit with fitness and in particular, long-distance running.

Two half marathons and a full marathon later, I didn’t feel any better.

The satisfaction of achieving an ambitious goal wore off and immediately, it was about the next thing I could do.

Since then, the goals got bigger and bolder.

I landed corporate sales jobs in high profile blue-chip companies, got the car I always wanted, got married, had children, and bought a house.

It was still never enough.

Because the reality was that I was trying to fill an internal void with external things.

My happiness was permanently conditional on the future.

My mind was telling me that I would only be ‘Ok’ once a certain thing happened in the future.

And that meant I could never be happy in the now.

It’s something I see with the clients that I work with all the time.

Why 'success' isn't what you thought it would be

Many have achieved a high level of success in life.

For some, that success means a high profile highly paid job within a top company. For others, it’s the status and wealth they’ve created by setting up their own business.

The problem is though, that the finishing line for success keeps moving. It’s never enough.

Their biggest strength is also their biggest weakness.

It means they can achieve far more than an average person but at the cost of never truly feeling fulfilled.

It has allowed them to be successful and achieve things many others dream about. But they never feel content and are always looking for the next big goal, the next big vision that, only then, will allow them to be happy.

It’s what causes burnout.

It’s what causes their physical health to decline due to poor diet.

It’s what causes many of my clients to try and fill the void with alcohol, gambling, drugs and a lavish lifestyle.

None of which gives them the peace of mind they want.

It means they have great careers and give the perception to others that their life is amazing.

But deep down they are unhappy and something still feels missing.

How I overcame 'I'll be ok when...' syndrome

What changed for me is when I started to see this for myself and catch myself whenever I was making my happiness conditional on the future.

I started to slow down and noticed when I was having ‘I’ll be ok when..’ moments.

And slowly, over time, I was able to stop myself from believing that lie I was telling myself, that I would only be ok when X thing happens.

The ease and lightness that it has bought to my life has been incredible.

I’m no longer in any rush to get make things happen. I’m not putting pressure on myself to make my goals happen now and not be happy until they happen.

It’s almost like I’m now living life without the mental handbrake on!

The biggest irony of all of this? Everything that I’m working towards is happening quicker than it ever has!

Once I dropped the attachment to future events, I became more present in the now and showed up as a coach, father, husband, sibling, son and friend with more energy and more vibrancy.

It changed everything.

What would you like to change?

As you are reading this, you may see elements of ‘I’ll be ok when…’ syndrome in yourself too.

It might be the reason the satisfaction of the new job or big business you achieved wore off so quickly.

Or perhaps it’s the reason you feel terrible shortly after eating the junk food you have been craving for so long.

Maybe, it’s the reason you’re tempted to pick up your phone and scroll social media whenever there is a moment when you aren’t doing anything.

The first step is to catch yourself in the moment – we can’t change what we can’t notice. And once you see it for yourself, you can’t unsee it!

What happens next is entirely up to you. Because once you are aware of your thought process, you can choose whether you respond to it or decide you are ok now and don’t need to do anything else to feel better.

What starts as a new response slowly turns into a habit, which turns into the new you.

The better you who is ok and happy now.

Thank you for taking the time to explore a life changing topic. Eliminating ‘I’ll be ok when..’ syndrome changed my life, and I would love to know how it can change yours.