Identity vs. Roles: I/R Theory 101

With great trepidation, I publish this article and I know I risk being shunned, shamed or cancelled for these thoughts.?However, I’ve been wrestling for years with how we see the world through increasingly polarized lenses.?With the addition of disinformation, misinformation, and Big Tech censorship, it feels like there is a total breakdown in civility.?Chaos reigns and everyone is choosing a side while dehumanizing the other in the quest to tear each other down. ?

But why??

How did we get here??Is it even real??Or is this just being manufactured by the media to get clicks on their websites?? I've been working on this topic for the past 6 years and I am sharing my idea on what the root cause analysis is/are.

Hypothesis: Many people have begun to blend the concepts of Individual Identity with Individual Roles, while also eliminating their anchored Identity and replacing it with ‘how they feel.’?Communicating these concepts and training others how to stabilize Identity will allow exploration of differing ideas and result in personal maturity, growth and understanding.???

I/R Theory: What is it?

According to I/R Theory, every person has one identity, but many different roles. In order to survive a chaotic world and thrive, keeping ones Identity anchoring into something that does not move, but remains strong despite fluctuations in any given role can keep a person balanced, even under great duress. I will break this down and give examples below.

Role is defined as “What we do”. For example, my roles include the following:

·??????Christian

·??????Husband

·??????Father

·??????Business Owner

·??????Son

·??????Brother

·??????Uncle

·??????Cousin

·??????Nephew

·??????Boss

·??????Friend

·??????Neighbor

·??????Coach

·??????Confidant

·??????Board Member

·??????Investor

·??????Mentor

·??????Church Member

·??????…the list can go on forever.

Identity: WHO we are stripped of all our roles. To build a picture in your mind's eye, think about the very first time you held your newborn baby. Remember looking at his/her little cherub face and hearing his/her first cries. On a scale of 1-10, what would you grade your baby? They're a perfect 10!

But what happens to them over time as the world tears them down? If their has her Identity anchored into something positive that doesn't ebb and flow with the emotions of the day, they will grow and thrive. However, if they anchors her Identity to something that shifts with the wind, chances are they will experience immense anxiety, sadness, depression and hopelessness.

How are Identity and Role Different?

Our various roles are constantly changing.?When self-grading our Role on a 1-10 scale, that number can fluctuate monthly, weekly, daily or even within seconds.???

For example, I have two 18-year-olds.?I may feel like a 10 one day (when things are going wonderfully between me and the kids), but one disagreement can drive that score down to a 3 in a matter of minutes.?Sometimes, kids can be fickle or even ‘fair weathered’ and when we parents grant them freedoms, they may say things like “Dad, you’re the best!”?The flipside has it that if you happen to need the car on a Saturday night and you deny them use of it, they may say, “But DAD!!!?All my friends are going to the Dunes and I’m the ONLY ONE who can’t get a car...you’re the worst!”?The speed at which things one’s Role Score can go from a 10 and plummet down to a 3 is mind-numbing.?

When considering our “Identity,” we also self-score on a scale of 1-10.?But our Identity is defined as ‘who we are, stripped of all those roles,’ so we must be careful in how we anchor it.?A healthy, balanced life requires that we withstand the daily ups and downs that come at us.?If we tie who we are closely to what we do, disaster will often strike as we will question WHO we are depending on our performance in a given role.

One example I’ve observed is Hall of Fame NFL quarterback, Brett Favre.?He spent 20 years in the league, but the first 16 of them were with the Green Bay Packers.?I know this intimately because he mauled the feckless, pathetic Chicago Bears for most of his career and so I got to watch him at least twice per year.?He announced his retirement to much fanfare and shortly thereafter resurfaced as the quarterback of the New York Jets.?After a couple seasons getting creamed in New York, he retired only to come out of retirement a second time to play for the Minnesota Vikings.??He only retired once his body was so beaten down that he could no longer function of the professional level.??

Upon further review, I believe Brett Favre had his Identity (who he is) tied to his Role as an NFL quarterback (what he does) and struggled to separate the two.?He was a quarterback and had a hard time just being Brett Favre.?

We also see the challenges of having Identity tied to Role with the ‘empty nesters’ who struggle after their last child leaves home for college.?Oftentimes, a parent who invested 18 years of their life completely devoted to their kid is by suddenly alone…and they struggle without the validation of their Role as a parent, hence negatively impacting their Identity.?There can be feelings of abandonment and loss, and can often impact the health of the marriage that produced the child!?

The solution is to work hard to keep your Identity and Role very separate from each other.?The technique is to anchor your Identity into something that is stable and doesn’t move, which will help you weather the various storms we go through in our many Roles.

Anchoring Your Identity

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT the beginning of a sermon, so don’t freak out.?I will share other ways to anchor your Identity below.

My personal Identity is anchored in the belief that I am a child of God.?My faith in Him knows that He loves me eternally and completely, regardless of my failures (or successes) in the Roles I assume.?So when my 18-year-old is madder than a hornet at me because of a conflict about the use of my car, the score I may give myself as a Father may be a 3, but my Identity remains a bulletproof 9 or 10.?Having an Identity score of 7-10 (see graphic above) doesn’t imply that I am a conceited jerk, but rather that I am safe in who I am regardless of the noise in the world around me.?

It's amazing what one can accomplish with a strong Identity.?For example, I can accept new ideas, beliefs, and thoughts because they don’t improve or degrade my Identity. I can take immense risks in learning new things.?Nothing scares me because while I may adopt an idea that later turns out to be wildly wrong, it doesn’t take away the fact that I am still loved eternally by a God that won’t reject me.?

Having a strong Identity that opens new opportunities for me every day.?In the end, real growth occurs as we evolve and deepen our knowledge.?I can afford to take those risks knowing I’ve got my soul anchored in the right way with something that doesn’t move.?

Having a strong Identity does NOT prevent you from failing, making mistakes, paying the price for bad choices or insulate you from reality. This is not 'polyanna' where there is a 'positive' lesson behind every setback. We will experience the realities of our decisions no matter what. Strong Identity merely allows one to keep the world from taking a pound of your soul while fostering learning, growth and risk-taking.

If you don’t have a relationship with God, DO NOT PANIC. Find something else that doesn’t move and anchor your Identity to that.?I’ve seen people anchor to concepts like being genuine, honest, authentic, or living a life of integrity.?Anchored Identities allow you to constantly measure your life and strive to embody the principles attached to the concept, while also insulating them from the emotional chaos that inevitably occurs in life.?

We have a culture that has been working hard to decouple our Identity with something that doesn’t move (faith, integrity, etc.), while simultaneously re-attaching Identity to ‘how we feel’ (which moves by the minute).?We live in a world where too many believe everything in life should be like Burger King’s corporate jingle - “Have It Your Way, Right Away.”??The results have been catastrophic. People are completely losing their minds when challenged with a thought or idea that makes them feel uneasy.

Think about how unstable and chaotic this must be.?

Systems in place today have indoctrinated our kids, and as a result, their Identities are anchored in their ‘feelings’.?Young people are vulnerable because they are looking to establish themselves, be liked and loved by others and achieve social acceptance.?They move like a herd and can be easily manipulated.?Many have not been trained in Critical Thinking Skills, so it is easy for them to get swept up in a social group that makes them feel accepted.?Because their Identity is now based on ‘how they feel,’ when anyone challenges an idea or belief that they’ve acquired, it is taken as a direct STRIKE against WHO THEY ARE!

If you’ve been paying attention to the world today, you’ve heard someone somewhere saying “WORDS ARE VIOLENCE!!!”?or “you’re not allowed to speak here because you represent HATE!!!”??

It makes no sense because words and ideas are nothing more than just that - words and ideas.?

I fully believe that any idea (even ones that I believe are mind-numbingly stupid) should be allowed to be shared and debated vigorously.?It’s funny because reality says that stupid ideas (or racist, bigoted, misogynistic, homophobic, etc) tend to get flushed down the toilet quickly once we shine light on them.?The most efficient way to stop those non-productive ideas is to allow them to be said, then vigorously debated and dismantled.?Ignorance, intolerance, and hate cannot survive the light of public debate, so all protections should be installed to ensure that all ideas (regardless of how we feel about them) should be allowed.?No one gets to be the heavy handed, self-declared ‘arbiter of truth.’?

The reality is that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me’ is something everyone in Gen X grew up hearing...and it’s true.?We assign emotions to words to our peril and use those emotions to dig in and stop listening, questioning, and debating. Retreating into 'safe spaces' encourages laziness and ignorance that allows bad ideas to hang around longer than if confronted.

Too often, we cannot even begin to have important conversations because we are talking to someone who’s Identity is tied to ‘how they feel’ and any challenge to their belief is an ‘assault.’?They are UNABLE to have an open dialogue without feeling bad or threatened. Instead, they quickly disengage and retreat into the safe space where they are surrounded only by like-minded people that will make them feel better again.?It’s like Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy where the parent injures the child to get attention for themselves.?

The Solution

Having 100%, unadulterated, unbridled free speech is key to growing, learning, understanding and the way to dismantle hate, racism, misogyny, homophobia and xenophobia. There should be no censorship of free speech, even when it makes us uncomfortable or challenges our beliefs.

Anchoring your Identity to something that allows you to take risks, be open to different opinions/ideas and expand your heart, mind and soul. I firmly believe this is the ONLY way to stop the radical polarization of our nation and fully maximize each member of our society to the greater good. This is a complex problem, and it requires courage and discipline. A major challenge is that so many are easily ‘offended’ therefore, we must be patient, calm, persistent and be expert listeners. Setting a mutually agreed upon agenda for both sides to speak free of judgement and wrestle with and debate concepts and ideas is vital to success. The payoff far outweighs the costs, and may be the only way to help others live a fulfilling life.

For the record, I encourage honest dialogue on this extremely complex topic and bring you an open heart and mind. I would love to hear your thoughts.?