Identity

Who Are You Really?

What if the usual opening question of “what do you do?” wasn’t asked of you.? What if there was no question asked to prompt your response of “I own, I founded, I run, I am a ____, @ XYZ company”??

How would you respond???

How would you describe yourself??

Are you the LinkedIn you?? Are you the Insta you?? Are you the Facebook you?? Are you the X you? Are you the community facing you?? Are you the husband or wife you?? Are you the father or mother you?? Are you the sister or brother you?? Are you the best friend you?? Are you the artist you??

Who are you exactly???

I had a friend that recently went through a terrible business exit.? He took toxic money and had a falling out that led to shutting down his life's work.? He was crushed.? He also had moved his family from a city suburban life to a farm rural life during COVID to realize a new way of living.? That wasn’t working either.?

So, he upped and moved to Salzburg, Austria for a complete detox change of place.? His kids were amazing skiers and there is no better place to ski than the Austrian Alps.? It started as temporary, but has now become permanent.? He recently emerged from a blackout period and informed us he had written a fiction book that will be published in November.??

What captured me in his announcement was the concept of the first question above, not being asked what he did.? The people in Salzburg wanted to know about him, not his label or his title.? It forced him to reconcile his answers and his thinking.? He realized he was a writer at his core.? And, so he researched, interviewed and wrote a book.? His identity changed.?

My recent wandering adventure through the UK landed me with 100 strangers in the South of Wales at the DO Lectures gathering known as DO Wales 2024.? I was met with the similar notion of not asking someone - “what they do”.? I learned that it was such an American thing to do.? It was normal to me. But, not to them (majority non American).?

It made me appreciate what I have been trying to create with my Narrative Mosaic project. ? For, I believe we are a creature made up of additive experiences over our lives.? Lives that incorporate life beyond work.? Hobbies.? Crafts.? Adventures.? Stupid stuff.? Funny stuff.? Moments.

Yet, we get stuck in thought patterns and cultural ruts that put us in containers.? Or we come to rationalize our ability to “compartmentalize” that thing, those gigs, our home vs. work life as compartments.? Hell even our belief systems are compartmentalized into a faith cult or a red or blue cult.? Culted mindsets that are no longer open to inputs, only outputs.? Us vs them.?

I am on a quest.? A quest to plow deeper into identity and how we realize that in the 21st century.? I have read a zillion biographies, autobiographies, Identity books, how to be You books.? Studies white papers on social capital and influencing. Mindsets. Beliefs.

My career in advertising was built around brand, benefits, value creation and value extraction. Storytelling this and storytelling that.? EQ this, IQ that, and a few other Q’s that feed into the behavioral sciences of what makes people tick.

I have studied and or created many forms of Narrative.? Narrative Influence. Narrative Intelligence. Narrative Insight. Narrative Frameworks. Strategic Narrative. Joseph Campbell’s version of a personal journey.? Customer journeys.?

I have worked with or on social networks, social graphs, behavior graphics, predictive behaviors, habitual designs, human centered designs. Most recently, Happiness by Design.? All with the intention of owning the attention and minds of the consumer (known as the end user in trade parlance).? Note - this goes for both consumers and businesses who are also consumers with business hats on.

After 63 years of living and 40 years of persuading, I am coming to a place of recognizing that we need to focus on Human Connection.? When we have it - it is a beautiful thing.? When we don’t - it gets messy and subject to consequences.?

How does Identity and Human Connection work in harmony? ?

That is the perplexing question I am focusing my craft on going forward.? It will be my legacy until I perish.? I don’t have answers.? I have questions.? Lots of questions.

I had a few aha moments at DO Lectures and post DO Lectures that feeds this desire.? And, I am fearfully putting them out there for all to see.? It is the part of DOing that I aspire to take on.? My challenge to myself.

Moment #1 - I was framing my end of work life at 70.? The year 2030.? I looked at the world with an end date.? I really only wanted to work six more years and call it.? But, what does that really mean??

Identity Reframe: I am going to create a place where I want to wake up and create with no end date.? David Hieatt spoke about “this is your dream, why does it have to have a timeline on it?”.? A doh moment for me.? Made the Morgan Housel comment of playing your game at your pace and not someone else’s make more sense as well.?

Moment #2 - I was given the name Tobin.? I became Toby somewhere along the line and it became my identity.? Only my mother and immediate family called me Tobin.? I signed documents Tobin. My business cards are Tobin.? My legal forms are Tobin.? Yet, I wasn’t Tobin in IRL.

Identity Reframe: Upon visiting my homeland - Camborne, Cornwall and seeing the town that my great-grandfather immigrated from, it struck me that I was not being true to my name.?

My given name was intended to be different.? I preach about being the unique you that you are and yet, I was not being true to that calling myself.? I was not leaning into my authentic true self.? My whole life, I have been told, “I have never met another Tobin before”.? I can count on one hand actually where I have met a Tobin.?

So, I am going to lean into my given name.? I started doing that in Wales, because it was a clean slate.? [Note: I changed my profile to just Tobin, not Tobin (Toby) Trevarthen].?

Moment #3 - The Narrative Mosaic is my intention to change how we express ourselves.? We have multiple identities that serve to shape who we are.? How we show up may be different pending our circumstance.? But, when people are hiring for “cultural fit” and you minimize your uniqueness to fit an algorithm or a keyword - we all lose.?

Identity Reframe: My North Star is Improving Human Connection.? Going forward, I will only work on things that fit that purpose.? I will create or shape offerings that serve the purpose of improving human connection.? If I can leave this world a better place as a result of this effort, then I will have made a dent.?

That is what I am going to DO.? It took living my word this year to realize this is who I was meant to become.? I hope you will join me on this quest.? I am open for business.??

NOW (How you are realizing this today)

1. How do you answer who you are beyond your work identity?
2. Have you consolidated who you are into a simple narrative??
3. Think about how you show up for work.? On your socials.? With your family.? With your friends.? How would they describe you if you weren’t in the room????

NEW (How you will realize this tomorrow)

1. Are you unified or compartmentalized in your identity across your spheres of influence?
2. What would you do with a Narrative Mosaic that represents the collective you?
3. What are you about???

NEXT (I see a world in which)?

I see a world in which knowing and owning your identity will lead to better human connection for everyone.?

THE PAYOFF

"Identity is a prison you can never escape, but the way to redeem your past is not to run from it, but to try to understand it, and use it as a foundation to grow." - Jay-Z?

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