Identity: #4 Leadership Trait

Identity

The fourth leadership characteristic we want to foster is probably the most enigmatic of the seven: identity. Identity has taken on a lot of different meanings in today's world. Perhaps your credit identity comes to mind. This is an important marker of who you are in personal finance, but only in a finite space. As we know all too well, this kind of identity is fragile. It can be compromised and temporarily stolen. Real identity is much more complex and impossible to steal.?

True identity addresses existential questions like "Who am I?" As we journey on, we will find this question is a proxy for "What am I good for" or "what am I worth"? I started with definitions in the previous blogs, but today we'll break tradition and start with the opposite. We are going to talk about what identity?is not.?

If you would like to catch up on the series before diving in, check out the primer, "The Leaders' Journey," or the first three installments: Self-Awareness, Trust, and Patience.?

Searching for Identity

Identity is not your profession or your role. It is not your last success nor your most recent failure. It is not the sum of your accomplishments or your losses. It is not what other people think about you or say about you. It probably isn't even what we say or think about ourselves most of the time. Identity is not something you have to work for, earn, or obtain. It is not invented by us or discovered as if it were our work of art or some long-lost treasure we have been searching for.?

When I was 21, my father died in a tragic suicide. Heartbreaking as that was, the truth is our relationship didn't change much after he was gone because we didn't have much of one, to begin with. That was the real tragedy to me. My parents divorced when I was three, and I saw my dad a week or so a year. Without a father, my sense of manhood was mainly defined by the culture of the late 90s and early 2000s. Yikes.?

When I was a junior in college, I decided I wanted to join the USMC Officer Corps. I told people it was because I wanted to serve my country. That wasn't untrue, as I did love my country, but what was more true is I wanted to prove that I was a man—primarily to myself.??

I lacked a clear sense of who I was and what I was worth, and I decided I needed to try on manhood to see if that would fill that void. I became a Marine, and it filled me with a great sense of pride, belonging, and purpose… for a while. I pinned on the rank of Captain in 2012, and by that time, I had learned that there was more to being a man than being courageous, strong, or tough. I also learned that being a "man" didn't fill that deep sense of insufficiency.

Between 2011 and 2013, I had both of my daughters and put on the new role of father. Being a father was fulfilling, challenging, and still one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for in this life. What it was not, though, was a complete picture of who I was. I was more than just a Dad.

I left the Marines in 2015 and started my first company. I thought I would try on the title of entrepreneur and see how that felt. It felt exhilarating, especially when the company was doing well. I was named to Inc Magazines' 30 entrepreneurs under 30 in 2016, but I felt almost nothing from the award if I am being honest. I didn't feel a sense of accomplishment or pride; I felt empty.

None of these roles, professions, or titles ever answered the question: Who am I? To go a step further, none of them answered what I was really seeking an answer to: "Am I worth anything?" The truth is, I would have been left with a minimal sense of self had all my roles, achievements, and esteem been stripped away. Apart from these outward markers of success, I couldn't have told you who I was.

False Identity

So many of us, myself included,?confound the lines between perceived self-worth and what we do.?Today's culture, especially in America, is guilty of falling into this trap. In business, we might call this success or contribution. Did I get the report in on time? Am I crushing my sales target? Is my company outperforming the competition? Am I outperforming my peers for that promotion? Does my boss think I am doing a good job?

I am not saying that these are not good goals. The goals are great. I lead a company, and I want people to crush it. I want people to work towards being their best. I want people to succeed. However, I don't want people chasing after the altar of success to find their core identity and worth somehow.?

You might say, "I don't find fulfillment through work, and I could care less what my boss thinks about me." I hear that, but I am using "business success" interchangeably with the idea of performance.?Please make no mistake; we all perform.?Some of us just find it in alternate venues. We strive to be the best partners, parents, and friends. People need us because we are so helpful, supportive, and loving.?

Some of us want to be the best-looking, so we strive in the gym, in the mirror, and maybe even in the doctor's office, trying to look like we think we should, as if there was something wrong with us in the first place. Now, I am not saying we shouldn't try to stay healthy or even get braces or plastic surgery. I am simply saying that we cannot chase after being beautiful (or intelligent, strong, creative, unique, or manly), as if those outward projections will answer the big question we all have: "Who am I?".

When we attempt to find our answer in temporary and uncertain things, we inadvertently fall for one of the most significant lies ever told. "You are what you do," "You are what you look like," "You are the mask you are wearing."?The problem with finding the answer to "Who am I?" in performance is temporary. We all get old; beauty and strength fade. Except for family, we will all be replaced eventually; more intelligent or successful people eventually come along.

Our ability to achieve perfection in our performance will wane over time or come crashing down in one big moment. You break a leg in your last college game before the draft. You have an integrity failure as a politician, preacher, or professional. Your company goes bankrupt.?Whatever you hold dear that gives you a sense of worth and value can be taken.?Yet, you are no less you despite losing your ability to perform, play at your game, or do what you think you're made for.?Identity can never be taken; it is inherent. Your value can not change; it is inalienable.?

True Identity

I have tried several times to create for myself an identity or at least earn the respect that comes with a title, role, or achievement. If other people think I am worth something, I must be, right? What about those who buck the trend and rebel against the establishment and the elite? Culture and society won't define us; we define ourselves!

I would argue we are all just as bad at defining who we are as a society as at defining who we should be. Our tastes, goals, and allegiances change over time, which would mean our identity changes. Yet, I don't believe it does. I don't think any one of us can "invent" an identity that is somehow more me, more valuable, more "right." That would mean there was something wrong with you in the first place, which I would say is a lie.

These inventions can become inescapably competitive: both with self and others. If your last identity didn't suit you, try on another one. You are caught in a race against yourself to escape a deficiency that doesn't exist in the first place. It's all a lie. You can't create an identity for yourself because you already have it. Identity can never be taken; it is inherent. Your value can not change; it is inalienable.?

So what then is identity? Some would say, and I would agree, identity is a gift from God. You are made in the image of God. Others would say it is from nature, nurture, and community. You genetically inherit your identity and a sense of consciousness. Your genetics and experiences make you who you are, and your community, culture, and context help shape how you identify with others. These origins are not mutually exclusive; I imagine all of these are true. For the purposes here, I will ignore the origins of identity and just define it.?

All people everywhere are born with an inherent, immeasurable, and inalienable value. We are all worthy of respect, love, and honor. We may not always be treated with such high royalty. We may not always behave in a way commensurate with our high worth. Yet, it doesn't make it any less true. This we believe deeply at Pangea, which is why it is our first core value is People.?

From the beginning to the end of your life, you are worth everything and worthy of love, and you don't need to do anything to earn that. Identity is about value. It is about the right to belong. It is about the right to be loved. It is about the honor and gift of being forgiven when we make a mistake (even big ones). Identity is about the emancipation from the reality where we are held to a performance standard that must be maintained if we want to preserve our personal value. Identity is about knowing that we already are. This is why identity can not be earned or gained because it has already been given. It is also why identity and its value can not be taken either.?

The Importance of Identity

Maybe you disagree with me on this. That's fine. My identity is not threatened because not everyone agrees with me. Who does have to agree with me on this is anyone hired or promoted into leadership at our company, and this is why.

I firmly believe leaders who have an anchored understanding of who they are, why they are worthy of love (just because they are), and how valued they are, without any effort or work, are the best leaders. Leaders who have something to prove will be manipulated by themselves and manipulate their people, even under their best intentions.

Work is something we do; it is not who we are. This line is obfuscated in so many of our lives. We can't afford to use people or be used to achieve what is nothing more than an illusion: the promise you can become more than you are. This is a lie because you already have all the value; you just get to work and play different roles throughout life. It's all icing on the cake.

Leaders who know who they are, are more self-confident, authentic, patient, trustworthy, safe, inviting, courageous, hopeful, calm, steady, and wise. Identity may be the most challenging leadership trait to cultivate, but it is essential if you genuinely want to be a great leader worth following. Yet, if not, you are still worthy; you just may not be the best leader you can be.

In the next post, we look at the next trait: Compassion. Until then, check out the chart below on how Identity maps to the other leadership traits and their fruit produced together!