Identity, Key 3: Growth Mindset
[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Identity Crisis & Resolution: Personal Growth ?2023]
In psychology we speak of post-traumatic stress disorder (the war veteran who awakens each night in panic mode, for example) – and, of post-traumatic growth. Far from a superficial magical thinking that the trauma response somehow becomes positive instead, this is a deliberate process for making it so. We begin with the idea that crisis represents opportunity, in this case of identity crisis whether trauma or another trigger, and once our more disturbing and destabilizing emotions are within our ability to understand and regulate (see that previous chapter), we can then focus on finding meaning and opportunity in the major change that precipitated our crisis.
What we need for this is a growth mindset.
Developed by Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck, and a recent buzzword in both business and coaching, this concept applies to identity foremost. Do we approach this crisis as simply something painful that we need to get through, that our loss or despair or confusion will eventually be less uncomfortable (it will) and we must endure until then – or do we see challenge as an opportunity for growth?
This is easier if what precipitated your issue of identity was losing your job, for example, surely painful (especially if it was you alone who was fired, rather than a mass layoff) and disorienting, but ultimately a chance to retrain and hopefully get an even better position elsewhere. Much more difficult to apply a growth mindset to, say, the loss of a loved one; we simply miss them, and are consumed by that absence and loss, especially if tragic and unexpected. A growth mindset may not be applicable for a while, in that case; the initial pain needs time to subside. Then, however, we can indeed begin to see even this as a growth opportunity; by going through hardship, in experiencing deep pain, we either grow or remain devastated as a result. In growth, perhaps we become a stronger person, or a more sensitive one to others’ pain, or someone who finally begins to stand on her own. There are many possibilities for even the most painful situation to become an eventual stimulus for growth, as we find our way to that new identity.
In the short-term, a growth mindset means we aren’t going to allow the identity crisis itself to get stalled, or to take control of us in a harmful way. We’re going to go through the painful experience with our eyes as wide open as we can, neither ignoring nor wallowing in our pain but first genuinely experiencing it, and then ultimately looking beyond it. Everything in life, after all, provides potential for our personal growth, however unwanted the circumstance. Either growth or collapse are our options.
One of the ways to encourage our growth mindset, and of course as in all things we want to focus on and develop this view while we aren’t in crisis, so that we have it to rely on when we are, is to practice listening to our inner voice. That intuition, that gut instinct, that indicates what’s best for us and the right move to make, is often ignored; the more we listen to it, however, the more we become aware of our own inner wisdom, a deep well based on a lifetime of experience.
We also become increasingly aware of its counterpart – that inner voice that says, “Yes, but—” to our core wisdom. Our self-doubt, our inner critic, our mindset that would rather ignore problems or run away from the work of personal growth, is also ours to befriend – and to refute. When we hear, “I’m not good enough,” our ever-evolving growth mindset doesn’t necessarily say, “Oh yes, you are,” but may respond, “Perhaps not yet. But you will be.” A growth mindset doesn’t deny reality (for example, if we don’t yet have certain skills), but sees potential to change that reality. And so we begin to talk back, gently, to our inner naysayer, recognizing the possibility of value in our negativity yet also the capacity for change – and growth.
Get a mentor. No matter how old you may be (perhaps you’re more of the mentoring age – me, too), it isn’t so much about mentoring but about having someone who can cheer you on, who can remind you of your growth potential when you’re feeling less confident, with whom you can discuss those doubts and know that they won’t cajole you but will help you return to a more realistic assessment – that you are indeed capable of growth, and of change.
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Another part of a growth mindset is in letting go of the need for others’ approval. This too often comes naturally as we age, and learn to listen more to our own inner wisdom than to others’ opinions. But in times of crisis, especially when our identity is in flux which brings self-doubt and a lack of confidence, we may need reminding; when we’re not at our best, and less than sure of ourselves, we tend once more to rely too much on the opinions and approval of others. Be on your guard against this, trusting in your ability to grow into your new self. (Social media has its merits but, predicated on the approval of others, also perpetuates this external locus of control. Again, beware.)
The opposite of a growth mindset isn’t so much an expectation of failure, or of victimhood; it’s a fixed mind instead. If you’re encountering an identity crisis, in which you no longer know quite who you are and are aware that your new and destabilizing circumstances are compelling you to become a new version of yourself, you’re already too familiar with the need for a flexible mind; yours is flexible almost in spite of you, as you change. Adopting a growth mindset now will help to support that process.
One of the ways to foster this mindset is to learn something new, something you haven’t done before and in which you don’t yet have any related skill. Learn a language, for example, or a musical instrument, in either case one markedly different from any you’ve studied previously. This isn’t only a way to help your mind become more flexible, though that’s certainly part of it; it also helps you to open to new areas of knowledge and skill, rather than relying on those you’ve already acquired, as we adults tend to do.
Along with that: make mistakes, learn from them, laugh gently at yourself. A fixed mindset wants to rely on tried-and-true largely to avoid making mistakes or looking silly. Learn to embrace this instead.
We can’t remain fixed anyway. Never could, and never will. We grow and change throughout our lives – even those described as ‘set in their ways’. Living equals changing, and life events will powerfully require that we change.
Think of the young child who says, “I can’t,” versus the one who demands, “Let me do it.” Imagine both of these voices inside each of our heads. No matter how you were as a child, or what type of adult you’ve become, I promise you: both of those small children are still in your unconscious, though perhaps one grew stronger, the other weaker. In times of crisis and flux especially, the one who says “I can’t” is likely to resurface. Quiet him or her, gently…and bring that other “can-do” child to the forefront instead.
And above all, remember that magic word: Yet.