Identity, Key 1: Introspection & Insight

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Identity Crisis & Resolution: Personal Growth ?2023]

Our first key must be one of introspection and insight. When events threaten to shatter our sense of self, we begin by assessing those aspects that remain, what’s truly changing, and how we can best support our process of transformation.

In any time of change, identity or otherwise, we need solid grounding so that we aren’t simply swept away in the storm. We can allow the storm to swirl around us, remaining as much in the calm eye of it as possible, knowing that it will feel (but perhaps not actually be) threatening and chaotic and at times incomprehensible and even deeply painful, if only we can still feel ourselves connected to our core.

And so – we search, and assess.

You may be someone who regularly undertakes processes of introspection. Perhaps you meditate, contemplate, engage in psychotherapy, keep a journal. All of these will serve you well in such a time, of course, when much of what we thought we knew about ourselves is suddenly (or seemingly sudden) in question. And if you aren’t such a person, or you’ve let those habits become lax, now might be the time to engage. We don’t need many – just one or possibly two that are best for you.

What we seek are our presence and sources of meaning, and our values. Naturally, this may be what’s shifting in the course of an identity crisis – but usually not everything at once. When not in crisis, we do well to become supremely aware of, and regularly revisit, our values and sources of meaning, so that we have this foundation to rely on in those times of flux. When inside the chaos, even if we are in fact regularly introspective and know (or knew) ourselves well, we must reassess: what values do I still hold, that aren’t being thrown into question? What sources of meaning do I still retain?

For example, let’s say that you’ve been subjected to a severe natural disaster. (May it never be so.) You may find yourself questioning your faith – many do, in such cases with high mortality and higher suffering – which was previously a major source of meaning and value. Ultimately, you may abandon your belief altogether, rely on your deity and your religious community more than ever before, or shift to another spiritual tradition. At the same time, your value of family is not in question, and you can rely on this; you may also value your own mental flexibility and resilience, and find that it continues to serve you well in such circumstance. Or, you may find that the value and meaning you placed in being a member of your society is now shattered, and perhaps your core sense of security, as your government failed to respond to the disaster in an appropriate way, or citizens took the opportunity to engage in looting or worse. In that case, you may find that your value of religion is your constant.

We need to know: what’s being questioned, what has been shattered or has dissolved, and what do I retain that will be my grounding – my anchor as the ship that is my life is tossed about by this storm?

Journaling, if you find writing helpful rather than stressful, is a very useful tool for introspection. In the act of putting words on paper, you’re releasing some of their emotional impact; often, we find ourselves writing something we didn’t know that we thought or felt, which emerges only in the act of journal-writing itself. You’ll want to ensure the privacy of your journal, and keep your inner censor at bay so that you can write honestly and openly without self-judgment. You’ll also want to consider writing quickly, for the same reason – so that your thoughts, feelings, and insights emerge before you have time to question them.

If you aren’t a writer or have a physical reason why you cannot, an audio or video journal is equally useful, and very convenient with our modern phones. We can record just 5-10 minutes any time that’s convenient, to explore new insights, facilitate our inner process, and reduce the emotional impact. As with writing, however, ensure that you are the only one with access to these recordings, so that you don’t start speaking for an audience instead (i.e., self-censoring).

Journal-writing (or recording), often called the therapist at our fingertips, has been shown over and over in the research to be beneficial to one’s mental wellbeing, and to be a source of insight. Far from a simple recounting of one’s day, it should be aimed toward knowing ourselves, especially in such time of identity flux. Some useful writing prompts: Who am I right now? (This can be asked at any/every journal entry.) What am I feeling, and what’s beneath that? What’s remaining stable, and what’s changing? Who do I hope to become? If I could be anyone, without any restrictions, what type of person would I be, and why?

Equally useful is meditation. If you already have a meditative practice, try to continue it even during these times of identity reorganization, when it can be more challenging to do so but is even more important than ever. If you don’t yet have such practice, and whether or not you’re currently undergoing some sort of identity change, you may wish to begin one.

Meditation doesn’t have to be mysterious; it’s a quieting of the mind, a singular focus, a form of mental training. In this case, we want to use meditation for introspection and to help us in our process of identity change, so rather than attempting to ‘empty the mind’ we aim for contemplation instead.

The simplest approach is as follows: sit comfortably in a quiet space, distractions minimized, eyes closed, focusing on your slow and steady breathing. Once you’re feeling peaceful, that your mind has shifted into a lower gear, as it were, then bring the idea of identity – “Who am I? Who am I becoming?” to mind. Focus on this thought, keep your focus on it as much as possible, and allow insights to arise like thought bubbles. Don’t worry about remembering what comes to you; you’ll follow this with a process of reflection, and most or all of these insights will return.

When you notice that you’ve gotten distracted by other thoughts, your mind wandering (it will; you haven’t failed, as it’s normal), just smile and refocus on your breathing, slowly in, slowly out, then shift your focus back to your topic once more. After 10 minutes or so (if you do set a timer, make sure it’s a very gentle or gradual sound to ease you back to an alert state), take a deep breath, and open your eyes.

You can’t ‘fail’ at meditation. (Many think that they’re no good at it.) We just aren’t used to quiet anymore, and even 10 minutes of silence can feel long and get filled with distraction. Like any skill, it does get better with practice – and those wanderings in early days are utterly normal. Just smile at your ‘monkey mind’ that wants to play and wander…and simply refocus. Be gentle with yourself. (But don’t let the monkey take charge of the process. Always bring your focus back to the topic of your meditation.)

The combination of meditation and journal-writing immediately thereafter is an especially effective self-therapy. You’ll want to have some sort of reflective process following meditation as mentioned, so that you can further explore any of those thoughts or feelings that arose in the quietude.

We also want to explore the rewriting of our life story. (Again, ‘write’ isn’t meant literally; recording via audio or video is equally useful.) This is a very effective approach. The story of one’s life, or a particular portion or incident, perhaps that which precipitated the crisis of identity, has already occurred and cannot be changed. However, how we tell that story going forward, including to ourselves in our own mind, is ours to decide.

This doesn’t mean that we make up a fantasy, about how things didn’t actually happen. Rather, it’s a matter of perspective. For example: I was once solo-trekking along the coastline of an island during a typhoon. (Never mind the ‘why’ of it.) At a particular point, it was especially dangerous; I was standing on a ledge jutting out from rockface that should have been well above sea level, waves nevertheless surging up to my waist, and quickly looking for my next hand- and foothold in the few moments each time the waves receded. My anxiety was high, though I knew that to survive I had to remain calm; the roiling sea below me would be entirely unforgiving if I lost my footing. And in one particular moment, I thought to myself: If I survive this, I’m going to get a very good story out of it.

After the fact and in the years since, I could have been focused on the trauma, or the danger, or the high anxiety of that moment. Rather, I’ve chosen to maintain my focus on the moments just after that ledge, when I finally traversed it safely and reached more secure footing – and was flooded with relief and endorphins that made me feel superhuman; in that moment, I felt that I could do anything. When I recall that event, it’s this moment that has become the story’s pivotal point. (That, and the line about getting a good story out of it.)

Let’s consider whatever event has caused a crisis of identity. It may be a truly sudden and devastating loss, such as the death of a child due to an accident. For quite a while, perhaps grief is all-consuming; when the dark cloud of emotion begins to lift just a little, we can then start to reorganize our own identity – and, choose how we’ll tell ourselves this story going forward. With time, it will either be a deeply tragic memory…or we’ll focus instead on all the good moments that preceded it, or the child’s bright personality and our deep love. The event happens to us. The story of it, the perspective we choose to take, is ultimately in our hands. This can be especially useful as we move toward a new and somehow altered sense of identity. What story of the self do we choose to tell?

Finally: the SWOT analysis. From the business world, it’s also very useful for personal introspection, especially in times of change such as this. Strengths, weaknesses (I prefer ‘challenges’), opportunities, and threats – you can brainstorm, writing on a sheet of paper, each of these categories, filling the page with as many words as pop into your mind, determining not only your strong and weak points for making this change to your identity, but also what opportunities are presented and what will stand in your way. This isn’t a one-time exercise; it’s a self-assessment that we should undertake at regular intervals, especially in times of change.

And so, as Socrates taught us: know thyself. Figure out who you are now, who you’re leaving behind, who you are becoming. Each step of the way.

9 Keys to Identity Crisis & Resolution, by Anne Hilty, ?2023