Identity, Face and Conflict

Can you guess what the hardest type of conflict is to resolve?

Conflict that threatens our sense of identity and connection.

Identity is a multifaceted concept that encompasses who you are as an individual and how you fit into the world around you. It is composed of our experiences, education, culture, physiology and relationships.

As conflict coaches and mediators, we know that the first step to effectively resolving interpersonal conflict is to work hard to understand how each individual perceives their identity in the context of the conflict. We know that people are the most triggered when something is said or done that threatens their personal identity and denies them the social connection, that we all crave as humans.

The single worst thing you can say in a conversation with someone you feel tension with, is to assign them to a group they do not identify with or deny an individual a core aspect of their identity. Here are some examples of comments that can impact on an individual's sense of identity:

No offence, but you know how lawyers like to twist words, and make it hard for the rest of us to follow.

Your people certainly know how to create a scene.

If you had lived experience of a mental illness, you would understand how offensive that is.

You'll understand how little all that matters once you have kids.

Take it from an older woman, you will understand how to set boundaries in time.

I'm sure that each of us can think back to statements like these that we may have described as patronising, condescending, stereotyping or generalising. Effectively, these statements presuppose who you are and what you value in way that disconnects you from others. The use of such language (even with the best of intentions) is a sure fire way to alienate other individuals.

So how can you explore an individual's identity so that you can consider this in building a constructive relationship?

• Open-ended questions: Ask questions that go beyond yes/no answers. Encourage them to share their experiences, values, and passions.
• Active listening: Pay close attention to what they say, both verbally and nonverbally. Show genuine interest and avoid interrupting or generalising.
• Sharing your own identity: Carefully disclosing aspects of your own background can create a sense of trust and encourage reciprocity. Once we share what values and beliefs define us, and who we are as individuals, we find that others around us feel comfortable to do the same.

In his book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg provides extensive research evidence to demonstrate why conflict that threatens our identities can be some of the hardest forms of conflict to resolve. I highly recommend this book for further reading if you are interested: Supercommunicators — Charles Duhigg

Facework in Cross Cultural Conflict

Building on the idea of identity in conflict is the concept of "face". In conflict conversations, it is essential to aware of the facework that needs to be done in order to build real connection and arrive at lasting outcomes.

Facework refers to the communication strategies we can use to manage the public image (or "face") or social reflection on an individual that we are in conflict with. It's all about ensuring our conversations and the outcomes of our dispute resolution processes assist in maintaining a sense of respect, self-worth, and social standing throughout the conflict.

Here are some key points to remember:

• In many cases, saving face, can be more important to an individual than other elements of a conflict.
• Think of "face" as a person's perceived social value or reputation. It includes two main aspects: Positive face: The desire to be liked, respected, and competent. Negative face: The desire for autonomy, privacy, and freedom from coercion.

• Face-saving: Actions taken to maintain or restore someone's (including your own) positive face after a threat. Examples include apologies, explanations, or avoiding blame.
• Face-giving: Actions that support or enhance the positive face of another person. This could involve compliments, expressions of agreement, or offering support.

When someone feels their face is threatened in a conflict, they're more likely to become defensive, aggressive, or withdrawn. Effective facework helps to build trust and rapport between individuals, de-escalate tensions, and create a constructive environment for information sharing.

Facework Across Cultures:

It's important to remember that the concept of facework, and the approach to it will vary depending on culture of the individuals that you are working with. Individualistic cultures may prioritize protecting their own autonomy (negative face). Collectivistic cultures may prioritize maintaining harmony within the group (positive face).

By understanding facework, you can be more mindful of how your communication choices might impact others during a conflict. You can then choose strategies that help to preserve everyone's face and create a more productive environment for resolving the disagreement.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

As a conflict management specialist, I work with government and business teams and provide services in mediation and conciliation, customized conflict skills training, facilitation of meetings and workshops, conflict coaching and workflow and policy design.

If there is anything I can assist you with, please get in touch here: www.shivmartin.com/contact