Volume II

To sabotage is “to deliberately destroy, impede or destruct.”

The simple possibility of another sabotaging us has us angrily screaming in the bathroom mirror “I can’t believe she would deliberately ruin my relationship!”

So yes, sabotage from another? We recognize it, call it out, and even actively defend ourselves against it.

And, sabotage from the self? No way we would do such a thing, right?

But we're wrong.

We all take shots at the lottery winner, who is broke six months later. The truth is almost everyone I know has self-sabotaged in some form or another. I've literally destroyed my own progress multiple times. Weary and bruised from consistently crashing back down, I went looking for answers.

Turns out we pull the pin on that self-sabotage grenade when we get that raise, find love, or pursue something truly creative - and this success conflicts or clashes with a deeply seeded, often unconscious core belief. This collision between our behaviour and our beliefs leads to cognitive dissonance, which is just a fancy way of saying we feel uncomfortable, uneasy, guilty or shameful.

Our core beliefs are like our underlying software (think Windows 98!), detailing who we are, how the world is organized. Most importantly our software dictates what makes us good and worthy or bad and unworthy.

So it goes like this.

We crush a goal, but our newfound success quickly conflicts with one of four fundamental core beliefs we have as adults:

• I am fundamentally flawed/unworthy.

Ex. "How could someone so flawed or unworthy such as me really deserve this promotion or this attractive new partner?"

• Disloyalty and Abandonment.

Ex. "Having success must mean I am being disloyal to my family, my roots and will almost certainly be shunned and end up alone. After all, who do I think I am now, anyway?!"

• Success or love just brings more burden.

Ex. "We finally achieve sobriety. But we unconsciously believe that staying sober will just leave us taking care of everyone else in our family (hint: maybe we seen our mom in that situation). We wake up hungover, wondering how the heck we even got a bottle."

• The Crime of Outshining.

Ex. "Whatever you do, make sure you don’t mention that A+ math test in front of your brother, he’s really struggling with his grades." But guess what? You're now 45 years old, and still scared of showing up that someone you love.

Learning that you harbour one or more of these beliefs, and acknowledging that you’ve self-sabotaged in the past can be both overwhelming and illuminating. I know because I have been there! Oftentimes when we identify a pattern or problem, our impulse is to pull out the hammer and try to fix it.

Imagine replacing the hammer with a flashlight. Below are a few things you can reflect on:

1. Have I self-sabotaged in the past?
2. Did I identify with any of the four major beliefs listed above? Can I remember how or when it comes up?
3. What are my feelings when I achieve some form of success or growth?

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Welcome to the Growth Room Newsletter?

Every Sunday, I drop insights, and lessons learned from my life a therapist. I reflect on my own experience as an entrepreneur, lifelong student, and in particular all the ways I've fallen flat on my face in school, business and relationships. These experiences have led to fruitful insights into my own psychology and human nature that I can't wait to share.

I'm so glad you're here.

Rankyn