I wish I'd said that!

George Bernard Shaw, Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward have to be three of the wittiest men of the modern world. They seemed to have that innate and rare faculty for being able to make spontaneous and memorable remarks at just the right moment and, no matter how uncomplimentary, being able to get away with it. Probably the most obvious reason for this is that remarks, made both on paper, social circles and to the stranger, were so sharp and apt that they merited nothing more than a defeated silence from their victims. There are many anecdotes floating around that illustrate this well. Perhaps, it is with a little whiff of envy with which we read the wit of others that makes them so beguiling. I don’t know but here are some of the most memorable.

Bernard Shaw probably perfected the art of the witty reply the most out of the three playwrights and it is remembered that having been at one time cold-shouldered by London society because of his controversial views, he subsequently attained such eminence that he was sought after by all heading hostesses. One sent him a card inscribed with the words:

“Lady X will be at home on April 26th.”

The card was promptly returned to her with the following words added: 

“So will Bernard Shaw.” 

Shaw’s wit was not confined to the writing pad. At a fashionable ‘show biz’ party the then well-known dancer, Isadora Duncan, suggested to him that they should have a child together.

“Imagine,” she said, “a child with my body and your brain!” 

“Yes,” replied Shaw, “but suppose it had my body and your brain.”

Shaw also showed a great capacity for taking an embarrassing situation and turning it to his own benefit and to the regret of those seeking to embarrass him. He demonstrated this capacity at the opening night of one of his plays. After the final curtain, there was rapturous applause and, in response to the repeated cries of ‘Author’, Shaw appeared on stage. The applause was redoubled, but one loud voiced member of the audience expressed his disapproval of the play by shouting at the top of his voice:

“Rotten! Nonsense! Rubbish!”

Despite the general hubbub, Shaw heard him and shouted back:

“I agree with you, my friend. But what are we against so many?”

It was also related of Bernard Shaw that once he opened his front door to find himself face to face with two earnest young men, one of whom had some pamphlets in his hand.

“Who are you and what do you want?” asked Shaw.

“We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses,” said one of them.

“Really?” replied Shaw, “I’m Jehovah. How are we doing?”

Noel Coward’s ‘bon mots’ seemed to revolve around his role as a playwright and the successful snubbing of those who were less than complimentary about his plays. The late Gilbert Harding fell asleep while attending one of Noel Coward’s plays and snored noisily throughout the performance. Afterwards, he apologised to Coward, who replied:

“My dear fellow, don’t apologise. After all, I have never bored you half as much as you have bored me!”

Coward had a way of dealing with the critics. One prominent theatrical critic was incensed at not receiving an invitation to the first night of one of Coward’s plays. He accordingly sent him a note in the following terms:

“Dear Noel, You did not see fit to send me an invitation to the first night of your new play. Perhaps you will be kind enough to send me an invitation to your second night – if you have a second night”

Coward replied without delay:

“Dear X, I am sorry that I omitted to send you an invitation to our first night. I send you herewith two tickets for our second night; one for you and one for a friend – if you have a friend.”

Oscar Wilde not only demonstrated his wit in his plays but also, like Coward, in the protection of them. For example, he was presenting one of his comedies in America at the same time as Lady Diana Cooper was playing the part of the virgin Mary in a highly serious play entitled the ‘Miracle’. When in due course they met, Lady Diana observed:

“I saw your play, Oscar, but I’m afraid I did not laugh once.”

“Didn’t you, darling?” replied Wilde. “I saw yours and simply roared.”

Also, a popular party piece, like Shaw, Wilde had his own unique way of replying to undesired invitations however phrased. He once wrote that he unable to accept an invitation owing to a ‘subsequent’ engagement. 

In spite of their own great gifts of wit, Shaw, Wilde and Coward were not above recognizing good humour in others. Oscar Wilde, overhearing an exceptionally brilliant remark, exclaimed to his friend:

“I wish I’d said that!”

May be after reading this, these are exactly your sentiments.